Any way back from feeling like this?

[DoIReallyFeelThis]

Regular poster, NC for this.

Been with DH for 19 years, married for 13. 3 children, two teens, one primary school age.

I feel like we are just mates that live together. We probably are intimate once or twice a month. I feel crap about myself but also am feeling like I’m getting the ick a bit. We don’t talk much, evenings are spent in front of the tv on our phones, usually with a teenager between us.

He’s a nice guy, doesn’t have a social life, well neither of us do tbh. Doesn’t have any hobbies. I think I just feel bored and fed up. I’m not interested in meeting anyone else I just am fed up of feeling like I do. I don’t know if it’s hormonal, I seem to only really like him one week out of the month.

I don’t even know what I’m really asking, I just feel unhappy. He doesn’t seem happy either, i don’t feel like I can speak to him about it without it completely changing things and things becoming irreparable.

You need to change your routine. Take some time out and go on dates or even just a nice walk and TALK to each other.

It sounds like you have fallen out of love with each other? Think back to when you got together and what was it that made you love him?

Put the kids to bed and watch a movie, cuddle up on the sofa, speak to each other. You need to make time for one another if this is going to get any better

Sounds to me like you're in a rut, I don't think it necessarily means it's the end of the relationship if you haven't tried anything, but sounds like you both need to prioritise each other and find that spark again. Do you have babysitters to get a way for a weekend? Can you start a new hobby together? Make a commitment to spend some time together each week?

Our youngest has a sleepover at grandparents every Saturday night, while the teens are at work. So we have an evening free every week but never do anything. I think I do need to speak to him but not sure how to word it.

I think my approach would be to get a takeaway this Saturday, bottle of wine, say you want to spend some time together because it's been too long since you have. And then if you manage to get to a relaxed conversation say you want to do this more often, that you miss intimacy and it's making you feel a little down, and ask how you both think you can fix it. If he's receptive, this might just work.

If the soft approach doesn't work, on another occasion I would have a sterner word and say you're not happy. If he still then doesn't show any understanding or willingness to improve the situation, that's when you have a problem I think. But you're not there yet.

Do you actually want to have sex with him?

You mention the ick. In my experience, you don’t recover from that.

Make the most of the free evening. Maybe go out for dinner, or to the cinema? Spend time together.

For a few days a month yes, that’s why I’m wondering if it’s hormonal 🤷🏼‍♀️

You need hobbies together. Fitness. Dog walking.
Gardening. Cooking. Anything.

For a few days a month yes, that’s why I’m wondering if it’s hormonal

I read a book recently that said women are only really designed to want sex during ovulation or "spring" as she calls it, in terms of getting a natural urge (just to say the author very carefully said that doesn't mean all women only want sex once a month and there are other contributory factors to want sex, so it's not abnormal to want it more or less than that) but just to say it's probably not especially unusual if you're only finding yourself wanting sex in line with your cycle, it doesn't necessarily mean you don't love or are not attracted to your partner.

The book is period power if you're interested.

I'm just off to find the OH so we can spend some time in the mostly dark watching our advent candle burn down another day. It's been a great chance to just sit together, not do anything, but have the phones off, so we find things to talk about.

In the past we've sometimes had temporary success in agreeing to put the phones down for a day, though they always creep back. I think the phones are possibly one of your bigger problems.