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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend Ghosted me for a year and suddenly wants to meet up....I don't

29 replies

Louve · 04/12/2024 15:35

One of my close-ish friends has ghosted me for the past year for no reason, other than going off on a bizarre Chamanic career change (literally) and getting back with her ex (who she cheated on). She wrote to me last night out of the blue with a generic, hi how are you, let's meet up soon etc. This is the second time in our 10-year friendship that this has happened and I am certain that I haven't offended her - rather her off on a bizarre life choice trip. Yes she is quite unstable, doesn't have kids and probably has no clue that this isn't a normal way to be.

AIBU to either tell that I don't feel like meeting up after such a long time with no news, or even ignore the messages? I have never got involved in any type of drama, or do this to my other friends - not my style at all and certainly no time for that with two young kids and full time work.

Trying to work out the kindest but fair way to deal with it!

OP posts:
stayathomer · 04/12/2024 15:37

That’s not ghosting though is it? That’s just not being in contact? Depends how strongly you feel on not meeting up, it might be a laugh!

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/12/2024 15:37

Delete

AlbertCamusflage · 04/12/2024 15:43

I'm sure this newish word "ghosting" has become a way to view a whole range of relationship styles in a negative light. She is getting in touch you as a friend in a way that makes sense to her in terms of her relationship patterns, but which doesn't make sense to you. Fine, you are different and have different priorities.

Either accept her invitation to rekindle your meetings or give her a friendly no thanks. But do it on the basis of whether or not you actually want to spend time with her. Don't respond out of resentment at her allegedly breaking some mysterious rules of contact frequency that we are all supposed to sign up to without ever being told what they are.

scoutingfortwirls · 04/12/2024 15:49

The tone of your post comes across as resentful of the fact you have two kids and a full time job and she has had a shamanic? career change and got back with someone she maybe missed. She sounds like she's sorting her life out, are you unhappy about that?

coldcallerbaiter · 04/12/2024 15:53

This happened to me. She never addressed it either, just brushed over it. We are in touch but I just downgraded her to acquaintance. I do not accept most of her invitations, if it suits me I will go, I just don’t care either way. It has not fizzled out but I don’t care if it does. I cared when it happened because it was so out of character. Tbh friends are a dime a dozen, you can get more…

Keepingongoing · 04/12/2024 16:37

Very much of the same view as @AlbertCamusflage . You have said in your OP that your friend is quite unstable and this pattern of contact may well be normal for her, especially as she’s had some major life changes in the last year. From the outside, and of course not knowing the full history of your friendship, it sounds like she’s been on another planet over the last year and your friendship has been on the back burner.

If this pattern doesn’t work for you (and it sounds like it doesn’t) then fine, don’t reply to her message, or reply saying you’re too busy to meet up. If you tell her that you don’t feel like meeting up after a long time with no news from her, it could be said that you’re the one who’s creating drama.

GotToGetDinner · 04/12/2024 16:39

Are you sure she's ghosted you? Sounds like maybe she just hasn't been in touch. Have you been in touch with her? Have you asked to go out for drinks now etc.. and she's said no?

Brightwhitesobright · 04/12/2024 16:41

What is a chamanic career change?

MatildaTheCat · 04/12/2024 16:42

I was contacted last week by someone who ditched our whole friendship group ten years ago. I was polite but had zero interest in meeting up.

just explain you are too busy?

mamajong · 04/12/2024 16:43

If you don't want to meet up then say so and don't.

RubyRedBow · 04/12/2024 16:47

As I get older the less tolerant I am towards people who want to float in and out of my life so I would ignore the message.

lechatnoir · 04/12/2024 16:52

Now if I heard from a friend after a year I'd be delighted they'd reached out after so long.

Unless you have so many friends you can't cope with any more, or there's some backstory about what a bitch she was to you, or, you actively tried to contact her & she ignored you (which is what ghosting is) then I don't see the problem: your lives drifted apart for a while as is very common and now she wants to reconnect.

If you don't fine but no need to be sanctimonious about your life vs hers

Ginkypig · 04/12/2024 16:53

I think it depends on the relationship before hand.
i have friends who I might not speak to for a few months but then one or other of us gets in touch which then might result in a meet up. when we get together it’s lovely but that’s our norm pattern.there is not hurt on either side because that’s how our friendships work for various reasons busy lives chronically illnesses etc.

if on the other hand she just stopped responding even after you sent a few messages trying to get hold of her. Did you try to contact her and get ignored (which feels more like a snub) or did you both just drift off from each other for a while?

either way you need to decide if you want to rekindle the friendship and if you do then you need to have a conversation with her that for you it does feel ok when she just disappears.

from what you wrote though you seem to have different lives and you don’t seem to want her In your life from the way you describe her which is fine if that is the case.

FoxtonFoxton · 04/12/2024 16:57

Just ignore it. I'd put money on her meeting up with you once and then not hearing from her again for a year. Or she'll arrange, cancel, and then you won't hear from her again. One of those.

GrandHighPoohbah · 04/12/2024 17:01

I would probably go and catch up for an evening. Nothing may come of it, but it might turn out to be a refresh of your friendship.

graceinspace999 · 04/12/2024 17:04

I wouldn’t bother. Real friends keep in touch.

booisbooming · 04/12/2024 17:07

I have friends I haven't heard from in a year. They're still my friend!

RedBlueDotDotDot · 04/12/2024 17:08

It reads to me, she is reaching out because she would like to see you. You say she ‘ghosted’ you for no reason - of course there’ll be a reason for not being in contact and I am sure you’ll find out if you choose to meet up. A 10 year friendship is some length but you don’t seem to be particularly invested in the relationship or even keen on your friend by the tone of your post, the mention of her not having kids doesn’t feel relevant and reads as a bit unpleasant.

Untery · 04/12/2024 17:10

Gosh it seems quite a harsh way to view the friendship. Sometimes time passes quickly without people realising. I would definitely go along and meet an old friend who had reached out to me looking to meet up. Unless you don’t like her for some reason.

Uol2022 · 04/12/2024 17:33

Getting distracted with other stuff in life isn’t the same as ghosting. You sound like a high maintenance friend if you take offence at this to the point of wanting to end the friendship.

That said, it does depend on the kind of friendship - if it went suddenly from talking daily, sharing everything, to radio silence for weeks or months at a time then yeah I’d be pissed off. If it’s someone medium close that I usually talk to every few weeks and it stretched out to several months that’s just life. And it depends if she’s properly ignored you or just been slow to reply / not taking the initiative.

If you’re done with the friendship you don’t have to continue but I don’t think it’s fair to blame it all on her ‘ghosting’.

jellyicecreamandpasstheparcel · 04/12/2024 18:17

I've got a friend who moved abroad to work and comes back to the UK maybe once a year. She messages me at the last minute and asks if we can meet up, and I always say yes, because I want to see her and catch up. We always have a laugh and I never regret it.

We have diff lives, I have a mortgage, husband and kids, she is single and loves living abroad.

I guess, if you don't like her company and don't think of her as a friend, don't see her. But I wouldn't say she's "ghosting" you or not a friend just because she lives a different kind of life than you.

Original poster
Louve · 04/12/2024 19:50

Uol2022 · 04/12/2024 17:33

Getting distracted with other stuff in life isn’t the same as ghosting. You sound like a high maintenance friend if you take offence at this to the point of wanting to end the friendship.

That said, it does depend on the kind of friendship - if it went suddenly from talking daily, sharing everything, to radio silence for weeks or months at a time then yeah I’d be pissed off. If it’s someone medium close that I usually talk to every few weeks and it stretched out to several months that’s just life. And it depends if she’s properly ignored you or just been slow to reply / not taking the initiative.

If you’re done with the friendship you don’t have to continue but I don’t think it’s fair to blame it all on her ‘ghosting’.

We used to talk quite regularly, hence it being so weird to just not respond to my messages for a year without any explanation. Definitely not high maintenance, quite the opposite - deep down, probably a bit hurt/baffled by it all!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louve · 04/12/2024 19:51

FoxtonFoxton · 04/12/2024 16:57

Just ignore it. I'd put money on her meeting up with you once and then not hearing from her again for a year. Or she'll arrange, cancel, and then you won't hear from her again. One of those.

Spot on!

OP posts:
Original poster
Louve · 04/12/2024 19:53

scoutingfortwirls · 04/12/2024 15:49

The tone of your post comes across as resentful of the fact you have two kids and a full time job and she has had a shamanic? career change and got back with someone she maybe missed. She sounds like she's sorting her life out, are you unhappy about that?

No, I'm delighted for her! Just trying to make sense of the silence and putting it down to having radically different lifestyles/values.

OP posts:
EmeraldRoulette · 04/12/2024 19:59

@Keepingongoing " If you tell her that you don’t feel like meeting up after a long time with no news from her, it could be said that you’re the one who’s creating drama."

it's telling the truth about OP feelings though. Why is that "creating drama"?

@Louve sorry she ignored your messages for so long. I'd be inclined to tell the truth and see how she responds or just don't bother if you think she's going to ghost again

pp mentioned it being easy to make friends. I don't think it is but I've learned it's not worth giving time and headspace to people who just see friends as casual acquaintances.

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