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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU if I tell school friends mother ?

26 replies

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 12:51

Hi all,
My son, who is almost 6 got very upset with me last night and wanted to tell me some things that were happening in school. He has a best friend, let’s call him Ben, and he has been best friends with Ben for 2 1/2 years since he started in nursery. He has a few other friends he plays with, but Ben has always been his best friend.
He said he wants more friends, (as well as Ben), but Ben won’t let him. He said when he suggests playing with others that Ben cries and doesn’t let him, Ben then shuns him for a day or so which upsets him even more.
I know they’re young, and it’s all about navigating friendships at this age but he’s so upset, so would I BU to have a word with Bens mother. I’ve told him to be brave and approach others to play with them, and if Bens upset then he still needs to play with who he wants to, but he wants to be friends with Ben, and others. I am going to speak the teacher about maybe helping my son mix in with others in class but not sure how to handle the Ben situation as he still wants to be friends with him but also other friends to. My son is sensitive so as soon as his other friend is upset he just does what he wants then.
So horrible seeing him upset last night.
Thanks if you have read this far

OP posts:

MumDoingMyBest · 04/12/2024 12:55

That sounds really hard for your son.

I don't think any good will come of speaking to Ben's mother so I'd just talk to the class teacher about it.

InactionIsAWeaponOfMassDestruction · 04/12/2024 12:57

Agree with @MumDoingMyBest - speak to teacher rather than the mom. They’ll have experience of dealing with this sort of thing & will be able to manage it at school (which is where it’s happening).

Original poster

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 12:58

Thank you both

OP posts:

Pompeyssy · 04/12/2024 13:06

Agree with above.
Speak to the teacher, not the mum.

But i would also speak to your son and tell him that Ben's behaviour is wrong and that perhaps the friendship is not a kind one.
That he needs to play with other children.
Ask the teacher to keep them separate if possible and I would faze this friendship out.
Don't let it slide.
It is not uncommon.
I have seen it go seriously pear shaped in one of my childrens class and the controlled child ended up very distressed.
Nipping it in the bud firmly.

Controlling relationships at any age are wrong.

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/12/2024 13:10

No point talking to the Mum. I would talk to your son, maybe even set him little challenges on that theme of being brave and playing with others and not to worry about Ben for a day or two.

Original poster

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 13:16

Thanks for your comments.
Im going to sign him up to cubs as well, I think he’d love that. I said last night me and his daddy could help him make friends out of school as well and he really perked up at doing something new. (He doesn’t want to play football!)
Parenting is hard isn’t it…

OP posts:

LilacLilyBird · 04/12/2024 13:19

Always speak directly to the teacher

Ablondiebutagoody · 04/12/2024 13:24

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 13:16

I definitely recommend cubs and also other team sports. Rugby is a great one socially if he's not into football. It's tag rugby until they're about 8 so no contact. Google your local club and go along for a taster one Sunday morning.

Original poster

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 13:27

@Ablondiebutagoody id love it if he wanted to do either but he’s always a big NO when it comes to sports. He loves being outdoors and walking/running but hates sports, although he has started to play football with the “football boys” as he calls them, on his breaks which he loves, but this has been done without Ben. I’ve encouraged him to do this more.

OP posts:

ShipToNoveltle · 04/12/2024 13:31

Basically because it is happening in school it should be dealt with by school. Don't contact the parent, ever. It never ends well.

School have dealt with these issues a million times and have strategies put in place to talk about friendships, both positive and negative ones.

You can explain it to your son that Ben clearly wants to be his friend he just doesn't know the best way to show that. Your son could be a good friend by inviting Ben to play with others as well as him in a group. He might refuse but it teaches your son what kindness looks like when Ben is ignoring him.

These sorts of friendships are the reasons that classes get moved around at the end of the year, they allow some children who are dominated by "friends" to make friends with other children.

Shakeyourbaublesandsmile · 04/12/2024 13:31

I agree speak to teacher

This child has learned by being upset and huffy/cold shoulder they manipulate a response. As a child the won’t see it was manipulation but clearly it’s worked as a response elsewhere- this is why you’d get nowhere with the parent as it’s like a conditioned response or learned by observing others

Id empower your child with a short assertive phrase to encourage Ben they can make friend with others together

Pompeyssy · 04/12/2024 13:33

Look at tennis if you can. A great non contact sport with a lovely social side, a sport for a lifetime.

AlertCat · 04/12/2024 13:34

Don’t go to the mum, go to the teacher. School is much better placed to intervene with parents if it’s necessary, they don’t have the emotional investment that can cause a row if one parent feels their kid is being criticised by another parent, AND they are well placed to see the interactions in the classroom and the playground.

anxioussister · 04/12/2024 13:40

Something we talk about with my similar aged children is “friends should make you feel safe and happy” - I would help your son understand that Ben sometimes isn’t making him feel safe and happy - and that it’s really important to be able to be friends with other people. If Ben is cross because he wants to play with other people it’s not his fault (obviously as long as he is fair + doesn’t gang up etc - which doesn’t sound likely!)

and to echo all the PPs - talk to the teacher not the parent!

Good luck!

Startrekobsessed · 04/12/2024 13:45

I agree no good can come from speaking to the mum about it. Schools are much better equipped to deal with these issues as they see them all the time plus they can deal with anything that comes up in real time whereas parents need to try deal with them outside of school.

Original poster

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 13:50

Thanks all. Teacher it is!

My son is so sensitive, and I hate seeing him upset

OP posts:

Bollihobs · 04/12/2024 13:57

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 13:16

That's a really good idea, I think it's always a plus to have a friendship group outside of the school setting. Your child can learn that school isn't the only place/way to make friends and all their eggs aren't in one basket so to speak if they fall out with one group or the other.

Blueroses99 · 04/12/2024 13:58

I’ve been in Ben’s mums position, though it was a friendship of a few months early in Reception so not quite as established. The teacher shared some observations about the dynamics between the children and I was able to speak to my DC about making other friends. it’s ok if your friends want to play with other kids, and lots of positive reinforcement. It would have been quite awkward to have been given this message from another parent. DC has SEN which I wouldn’t have felt comfortable disclosing but the teacher was obviously aware.

Original poster

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 14:06

@Blueroses99 ill definitely talk to the teacher and not Bens mother. I get on really well with Bens mother, we talk a lot, and often meet up outside of school with the boys, but this has come to light in the last 2 days. I think Ben is a lovely kid, and I’d love if it they stayed friends, (he has also helped my son with confidence on many occasions), but I just want my boy to learn that it’s ok to make other friends as well, and Ben can join if he wants to but if not that’s his choice.
He’s already gone into school today saying he’s going to sit by two other friends at lunch, so maybe it’s a start.
Just waiting to hear back off beavers now 🤞🏼

OP posts:

PollyPut · 04/12/2024 14:45

Definitely speak to the teacher. Not the mum

Original poster

Tirediam · 04/12/2024 16:25

The usual teacher wasn’t there on pick up today so I’ll send an email.
My son came running out with Ben all smiles, he’s had a good day, but I still think a chat is needed.

OP posts:

Jellybeanz456 · 12/12/2024 12:47

My dd is like Ben she has autism and struggles with friendships has alot of playtime support, now am not suggesting any sen issues with Ben but maybe if you explain to teacher what is going on she can support both children with making new friends.

RebeccaRedhat · 12/12/2024 13:23

We are going through this exact same thing, except we're year 4 and the girls have been friends since reception. I spoke to the teacher with my daughter and explained that if other people wanted to play her friend would say no and send them away, or if my daughter wanted to play with someone else her friend would run away and cry. Definitely no SEN there. The teacher is keeping an eye on things, but I think my daughter knowing the teacher has her back is far more confident in dealing with the situation herself (which is the ideal solution really). She now plays with who she wants to and if her friend is sad, she let's her get on with it.

flower858 · 12/12/2024 13:24

Pretty common I'd say, and yes defo speak to the teacher and see if he can be mixed up in different activities etc

Julimia · 12/12/2024 13:42

I wouldn't talk to child's mum because then you are betraying your child's trust in you. Talk to him continuously about it with tools for a solution and if no improvement speak to the teacher who can keep your child's anonymity.

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