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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect friend to share a referral bonus she got because of me?

28 replies

Concernedforfriend1 · 04/12/2024 12:21

Hi all,
I have know my best friend for 10 years. We are in our late 20s. I would say we are more like sisters than friends and have been through a lot together. Often we have been each other's only support system.
We work in the same field and she got a £2000 referral when I joined the same agency as her. Obviously, she would not have got that referral if I hadn't joined.
We live together and initially she had said we should use the money to pay for household expenses, the weekly food shop, nice dinners together etc. Of note she was the one who told me excitedly about the referral bonus, otherwise I would have never known, as the company emailed her directly.
When we next did our food shop (we always did this together) I asked if we should use the money to pay for it (it was on a pre-loaded credit card. In the past one of us would pay for the whole shop and we would split it after). She then became a bit awkward and said she would actually like to just keep the money to herself as money has been a bit tight recently.
AIBU to feel like because she only got this referral bonus because I joined the agency, it should be shared?

OP posts:
WinWhenTheyreSinging · 04/12/2024 12:23

I think taking you out for a nice meal would be a reasonable gesture, but no I don't think it should be a general shared pot.

roses2 · 04/12/2024 12:24

She offered and now she is back tracking so you are not being unreasonable, she is.

LadyoftheCheeses · 04/12/2024 12:24

I think it depends on the relationship. My brother referred me for the job I'm in now, and he got a bonus which he shared with me (60/40). But that's the relationship we have and it was not an issue to find a mutual agreement.

CocoapuffPuff · 04/12/2024 12:25

Treating you to a meal would be lovely but no, it's not shared money.
Just start planning who you are going to recruit to earn your own bonus and leave hers alone.

VainAbigail · 04/12/2024 12:26

I shared a ‘recommend a friend’ bonus I got at work with my friend but she didn’t expect it and it was just a gift to her as I wanted to share - but you shouldn’t expect anything as that makes you grabby and greedy 🤷‍♀️

Livelaughlurgy · 04/12/2024 12:27

But you got the job and her referral went in your favour. I would never think she should share this or you should be grateful for your job.

loropianalover · 04/12/2024 12:27

She got the bonus and you got a job. So in that sense I don’t think she is obliged to ‘share’ with you.

However I do find it annoying that she was the one who said some of it could be used for household items/food shops and now that she has the money in her hands she’s changed her mind. She over promised, she could have just said she’d treat you both to a dinner and drinks at the weekend and kept the rest.

Hopefully the friendship doesn’t go funny. Working for the same company and living together seems quite intense?

Ace56 · 04/12/2024 12:28

It’s her money, so technically she doesn’t have to share with you at all. You chose to join the agency for reasons other than expecting a share of the money, right?

Agree though it would be nice for her to treat you to a meal or the odd food shop.

TammyJones · 04/12/2024 12:28

She shouldn't have offered...,

(I mean you've got a great job out of of it) and can refer someone else.

But to offer then change her mind.

Bit s*ty.

It's not something I'd do to my best friend/ sister.

I'd be withdrawing abit ...

LittleRedRidingHoody · 04/12/2024 12:28

If she'd had said a clear 'we'll split it according to XX' and was backtracking it would be a no, but mentioning what she'd do with it in general I wouldn't hold it against her. Any time I get a random chunk of money I normally spend it 20 times over in my head before I actually get it 😂

Original poster
Concernedforfriend1 · 04/12/2024 12:31

Hi all,
I would say we are definitely more like sisters than friends.
I guess I was just taken aback as she was the one who mentioned it excitedly stating how we should spend it, then backtracked.
I should say that we work in a field that is very in demand so it's not like I was not going to get a job without her referral. I could have easily gone with another agency and had a job that was just as good. We also did not know about the referral bonus when we first joined. That came as a surprise months later

OP posts:
BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 04/12/2024 12:31

Normally I would say it's all hers, as that's what these types of bonuses are for. If it were me I would buy the other person a gift or take them for diner or something out of it, but I don't think that's obligatory.

However I think this is different as she told you about it when you wouldn’t have known and then said she would share it. She’s gone back on that and I think that's pretty out of line of her. In your position I wouldn't expect 50% of it, but would feel pretty put out at getting nothing

blackcatsarethebestcats · 04/12/2024 12:39

It sounds like her financial situation has changed. So I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable. If money is tight for her then it’s tight.

loropianalover · 04/12/2024 12:40

Concernedforfriend1 · 04/12/2024 12:31

Hi all,
I would say we are definitely more like sisters than friends.
I guess I was just taken aback as she was the one who mentioned it excitedly stating how we should spend it, then backtracked.
I should say that we work in a field that is very in demand so it's not like I was not going to get a job without her referral. I could have easily gone with another agency and had a job that was just as good. We also did not know about the referral bonus when we first joined. That came as a surprise months later

You keep saying you’re more like sisters - I wonder has it always been a pattern of you two sharing funds, covering for someone one week, the other helping out next month?

These patterns are very common in early 20s but do change in later 20s as people become more aware of their finances. People will have different opinions and goals.

You work and live together but you are not in a relationship (and you’re not family/sisters) so imo all finances should be separate with things split evenly. It’s just cleaner. I would also be taken aback at her changing her mind about the 2k but let it be a lesson to you.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/12/2024 12:42

Nice meal or a good gift- a coat perfume or bag or something

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 04/12/2024 13:03

I don’t think she should have offered in the first place, it is a reward for the person who refers you, any monetary reward for yourself is negotiated in your salary surely.

mumda · 04/12/2024 13:06

You think of her a sister. She doesn't.

Be a bit disappointed and move on carefully now you know.

I suspect circumstances haven't changed but money does funny things to people.

yorktown · 04/12/2024 13:09

Maybe she thought she should but then talked to others who were (rightly!) somewhat surprised.
A meal out, a shared purchase for your home, brilliant, but no need for any more. However, since she offered and retracted she probably feels awkward giving you something small now so has decided to keep it all.
You could have gone with another agency and she would have got nothing, but you would have got nothing either. I'd let her have this with as good grace as you can.

Frosty1000 · 04/12/2024 13:13

You are coming across a bit grabby op, the money is hers to do as she wants.

Original poster
Concernedforfriend1 · 04/12/2024 13:19

Thanks guys for all the replies so far. It's interesting hearing everyone's perspective! Her backtracking was the part that really got me. I completely appreciate what people are saying about it being her money to do whatever she wishes with. I really think if the roles were reversed I would have shared it, but I guess its easier said than done and we will never know.
This actually happened a while ago and I have not mentioned it at all since and did not let it bring awkwardness into our friendship. Not to drip feed but the reason I have been thinking about it again recently is because we met 2 girls at work in an extremely similar situation to us who shared the money, hah!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 04/12/2024 13:27

Go make your own referral to the agency and get the referral bonus yourself.

Mill3nnial · 04/12/2024 13:37

Concernedforfriend1 · 04/12/2024 12:31

Hi all,
I would say we are definitely more like sisters than friends.
I guess I was just taken aback as she was the one who mentioned it excitedly stating how we should spend it, then backtracked.
I should say that we work in a field that is very in demand so it's not like I was not going to get a job without her referral. I could have easily gone with another agency and had a job that was just as good. We also did not know about the referral bonus when we first joined. That came as a surprise months later

The fact you could have got a job elsewhere is irrelevant unless you're saying you took THAT job because you wanted half a £2000 referral bonus which would be ridiculous and you said you didn't know about it until she told you.

It's her money. She shouldn't have offered it to start with but she did and I'd just let it go.

Mangocity · 04/12/2024 13:40

I think you should refer someone else and then receive a bonus. That's how it works.

ClaredeBear · 04/12/2024 13:51

It's hers as your referral bonus would be yours. She sad she would share it when she got caught up in the moment and has had second thoughts, probably wishing she'd not mentioned it. Are you better off moving on rather than focusing on this, when everything else seems pretty good?

SkunderlaiSkendi · 04/12/2024 14:10

IMO its fare to share it 50/50 - your mate sounds unfair