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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Should she keep this pregnancy

18 replies

Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:53

This is about my cousin who is late twenties. She is from a country in South Asia and currently in USA. She has been married for 3 years, her husband has been abusive physically and verbally since the beginning of marriage. He had to move back to home country since his visa ran out in USA but she's still there on student visa and is working there currently in a professional role.
She has to visit him in India due to some family situation and he forced himself onto her knowing that she was ovulating as he got hold of her period tracking app while she kept saying no in a deliberate attempt to make her pregnant. She is pregnant now, probably 5 weeks now. They have been talking about getting divorce every other day now and they are not getting along at all.
When she told him about pregnancy, he said he will demand custody of the baby and divorce her after that. He is very toxic person and she is on her own at the moment in USA and he is in India. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy, she will have to go through it on her own as her family is not there in USA and she will have to be pretty much a single mother while also navigating work, visa and childcare all on her own and the baby would be a US citizen, so I don't know how child custody will work then?
She is really struggling to make a decision on now for the future. Most family members have suggested to abort this pregnancy and go through divorce with him as this constant abuse and his toxic behaviour and now this forcing himself is just not acceptable and more of a criminal behaviour.
Is there any advice or suggestions she can use? Thanks

OP posts:
Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:54

She hasn't proceeded with divorce yet due to the stigma which women are fed in countries like India where people are seen as failure if they go through divorce

OP posts:
Lifeglowup · 04/12/2024 11:55

Only she can decide what is right for her.

Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:56

@Lifeglowup I agree but she is really confused and feeling quite emotional about it all, so looking for some perspective.

OP posts:
Sevenwondersofthewoo · 04/12/2024 11:56

Has she reported him and what state is she in as they have banned abortions in a fair few of them if that’s the route she wants to take.

Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:57

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 04/12/2024 11:56

Has she reported him and what state is she in as they have banned abortions in a fair few of them if that’s the route she wants to take.

In Pennsylvania I think

OP posts:
Wistfuller · 04/12/2024 11:58

Of course she shouldn't continue the pregnancy -- what on earth would be the point? It would tie her to an abusive man, plus she's alone on another continent, apparently working illegally while on a student visa.

Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:58

She has enquired and it's allowed in her state

OP posts:
Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:59

Wistfuller · 04/12/2024 11:58

Of course she shouldn't continue the pregnancy -- what on earth would be the point? It would tie her to an abusive man, plus she's alone on another continent, apparently working illegally while on a student visa.

She isn't working illegally, she is on post study visa which people get after completing their studies.

OP posts:
Sevenwondersofthewoo · 04/12/2024 12:00

I would go the route of abortion and divorce then.

she doesn’t want this man in her life at all

Suprtred · 04/12/2024 12:12

It's really sad, but it is what it is

OP posts:
ThianWinter · 04/12/2024 12:48

No she shouldn't keep the baby, she will be tied to him for the rest of her life if she does that. Whether she can easily get an abortion is another matter.

Jostuki · 04/12/2024 12:53

A baby should not be punished for the actions of adults.

I hope your friend finds a way to protect herself and her baby.

Grimgrump · 04/12/2024 13:08

Suprtred · 04/12/2024 11:54

She hasn't proceeded with divorce yet due to the stigma which women are fed in countries like India where people are seen as failure if they go through divorce

I know plenty of divorced women in India, OP. Sure, there can be some judgement and stigma, but equally, there are progressive, educated and thinking people who will never behave like that. And numerous women’s organisations who can provide advice and support. Family support is vital, though. She can do it.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 04/12/2024 13:14

Jostuki · 04/12/2024 12:53

A baby should not be punished for the actions of adults.

I hope your friend finds a way to protect herself and her baby.

Did you read what was written in the first post she was raped. You’d force a pregnancy on a woman rudy Nora how to invalidate a woman going through this.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2024 13:20

Jostuki · 04/12/2024 12:53

A baby should not be punished for the actions of adults.

I hope your friend finds a way to protect herself and her baby.

Why 'adults' plural when her abusive rapist of a husband is solely to blame?

It should be entirely her decision whether to carry on with the pregnancy or not. If she terminates, the baby wouldn't be being punished. She's only 5 weeks pregnant so very early.

MintTwirl · 04/12/2024 13:24

In her situation I wouldn’t have told him about the pregnancy. I would have a termination and divorce the man. Continuing the pregnancy will mean she is tied to him forever even if they divorce.

user6476897654 · 04/12/2024 13:29

I would tell my daughter to have an abortion and divorce him as quick as possible. It’s a shame she told him about the pregnancy.

Ellerby83 · 04/12/2024 13:33

She shouldn't have told him and her entire extended family about the pregnancy. She is only 5 weeks. Let her make up her own mind.

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