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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give Xmas present this year?

48 replies

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 10:46

Would you gift your SIL a christmas gift after she has been truly terrible to you and your family? Back in the summer my SIL (DH’s sister) and my husband had a massive fall out. She was truly terrible to him and myself in the aftermath. We have been no contact since then, however she has tried to make out that I’m a terrible person keeping our DC (we have 2 DC) away from her and she is not aloud to see them etc. this is not true at all, if she wants to see them, our door is open, but I am done going out of my way to make life easy for her after the complete disrespect she has shown us. Fast forward to now and whenever SIL sees me and my DC in public she completely ignores us, but tries to maintain a ‘loving aunt’ act to her friends and family. My DS had his birthday the other day. A party invite was sent to all in-laws, including SIL. Day before the party she created a huge scene, practically threw a gift at my DS and declared she would not be coming to his party as she was not welcome! My DH was there and told her quite sternly that she knew full well she was invited and to stop being dramatic. Anyway, she turned up at the party, didnt talk to anyone, got up, put her coat on and left without a word 🥴.

DH thinks we should give her an Xmas gift and a card to ‘be the bigger people’ and to not give her ‘anymore ammunition’ I quite frankly don't want to be the bigger person atm Im so done 😂

gift? No gift? Horrible gift? Tips in moving to Australia gift??

OP posts:
PastaAndProse · 04/12/2024 12:21

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 11:31

He doesn’t usually sort the gifts I usually do, not sure what anyone got from him before me 😂

Right. But you don't agree with sending one. So he either sorts it himself or accepts she isn't getting one.

ATastingMenuButItsAllCrisps · 04/12/2024 12:22

Have you seen the posts about 'let them' going around online?
It's so freeing, just let shitty people behave shittily, don't engage, don't value them, don't expect anything other than shit from them.

RampantIvy · 04/12/2024 12:24

She is behaving like a bratty teenager. How old is she?

Original poster
Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 12:24

I have not, but thank you

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 04/12/2024 12:24

Get her a stinky candle. Either really pretty but cheap, or expensive and ugly. Either way, a scent you know she is not going to appreciate. Plum pudding maybe?

Original poster
Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 12:24

RampantIvy · 04/12/2024 12:24

She is behaving like a bratty teenager. How old is she?

Shes middle aged and a respected teacher… apparently

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 04/12/2024 12:26

If she is huyong for your kids and doesnt have her own kids then i would still buy a gift as i see it as rude not to. Just put the kids names on it if that is better.

mummabubs · 04/12/2024 12:28

Hi OP,
I'm in a similar situation in that I usually buy all the gifts and SiL and I had a falling out last year where she was vile to me. I made it clear to DH I was no longer going to buy her birthday or Christmas presents (in fairness I'd not been happy carrying the present mental load for his family anyway).

DH ended up getting her a £4 box of chocolates on the way to see her and I've had to sit with the discomfort of handing that task over to him (as I'd have spent more and thought of something personal that she'd like in advance). But honestly I'd recommend it OP. I'm doing the same this Christmas and he will likely either not get her anything or get something tiny last minute, but I'm already feeling better about that dynamic than if I was to feel pressured to sort it when frankly I wouldn't mind not seeing her ever again. It's your DH's family, he can decide what to get her or not to get her anything at all.

FoxtonFoxton · 04/12/2024 12:29

Would I fuck.
DH could choose one if he wanted, I just wouldn't be involved. I wouldn't be pandering to a fully grown adult throwing a prolonged tantrum.
I'd grey rock her and not engage with any further outbursts or social media comments.

Original poster
Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 12:32

FoxtonFoxton · 04/12/2024 12:29

Would I fuck.
DH could choose one if he wanted, I just wouldn't be involved. I wouldn't be pandering to a fully grown adult throwing a prolonged tantrum.
I'd grey rock her and not engage with any further outbursts or social media comments.

This has made me giggle ‘would I fuck’ 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 13:02

mummabubs · 04/12/2024 12:28

Hi OP,
I'm in a similar situation in that I usually buy all the gifts and SiL and I had a falling out last year where she was vile to me. I made it clear to DH I was no longer going to buy her birthday or Christmas presents (in fairness I'd not been happy carrying the present mental load for his family anyway).

DH ended up getting her a £4 box of chocolates on the way to see her and I've had to sit with the discomfort of handing that task over to him (as I'd have spent more and thought of something personal that she'd like in advance). But honestly I'd recommend it OP. I'm doing the same this Christmas and he will likely either not get her anything or get something tiny last minute, but I'm already feeling better about that dynamic than if I was to feel pressured to sort it when frankly I wouldn't mind not seeing her ever again. It's your DH's family, he can decide what to get her or not to get her anything at all.

Thank you very much, she was so vile but I feel the expectation is still on me and also dont want to upset MIL as her daughter is doing enough of that as it is

OP posts:
mummabubs · 04/12/2024 13:10

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 13:02

Thank you very much, she was so vile but I feel the expectation is still on me and also dont want to upset MIL as her daughter is doing enough of that as it is

Show quote history

I understand. Very similar in my camp, everyone tip toes around SiL when she displays unkind behaviour and no-one challenges her. It becomes very "that's just how SiL is, you know what she's like". I found it was hurting me more to not act in accordance with my own values so I still support MiL and have acknowledged that the situation isn't ideal, but it's also not worth sacrificing my own mental health over.
I wonder if you can see the expectation on you, recognise it as being a request and nothing more and then decide to do what's right for you? X

thepariscrimefiles · 04/12/2024 13:10

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 13:02

Thank you very much, she was so vile but I feel the expectation is still on me and also dont want to upset MIL as her daughter is doing enough of that as it is

Show quote history

But her behaviour to you and your DC has been absolutely terrible. You can't just let that go and pretend as though it never happened. Leave it to your DH to get her a gift if he wants to, although I'm not sure why he would as this all started with an argument between him and his sister.

Nolegusta · 04/12/2024 13:12

Not a chance.

SuperfluousHen · 04/12/2024 13:19

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 11:59

Well we have had christmases without them before but we still do gifts. SIL doesn’t have children, she lives with my MIL and FIL but i suspect she will give our DC gifts, which is another reason im humming and ahing about gifting her or not. I suppose im just unsure have never been in this position before, never had to feel the need to do so little with anyone, always try to find a way forward etc.

Edited
Show quote history

I’ve got a similar situation in my family.

I’m not doing any gifts for them this year because honestly I think it would be more awkward keeping up a hypocritical charade than just being real.

In your situation perhaps your husband will do it if he feels it’s necessary?

EscapeTheCastle · 04/12/2024 13:27

I have a feeling that not getting her a gift will take up more space in your head than getting her one.
Something a bit boring but beautifully wrapped will do the trick.

coconutpie · 04/12/2024 15:12

Why would you buy a present for someone when they have been awful to you?! It's a ridiculous expectation. Don't get her anything.

Original poster
Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 20:47

coconutpie · 04/12/2024 15:12

Why would you buy a present for someone when they have been awful to you?! It's a ridiculous expectation. Don't get her anything.

you are right, just dont want the drama it would cause

OP posts:
Trumptonagain · 04/12/2024 21:36

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 20:47

you are right, just dont want the drama it would cause

Show quote history

Yet its accepted that your DSIL can treat you in such a way and get away with it...

Don't reward shit behaviour, no matter what age a person is, bad behaviour should never be rewarded.

gamerchick · 04/12/2024 21:41

Pixiedust22 · 04/12/2024 11:31

He doesn’t usually sort the gifts I usually do, not sure what anyone got from him before me 😂

Sorted then. Tell him, if he wants to get her a gift then he can crack on.

I've no idea why wives take over the gift giving when they take on a bloke though.

mondaytosunday · 04/12/2024 21:55

No. I don't even give gifts to SILs I do like, certainly not to one who has been mean. Presents should be immediate family only. If your DH wants to give her something he can.

Fraaahnces · 05/12/2024 01:18

@Pixiedust22 - why is it okay that you are upset by SIL then? Are her feelings & behaviours more important? Fuck that. I’d pull back. I would handball all responsibility to DH and if he doesn’t get around to it, be honest on the day. “After what occurred, I didn’t feel that it was an appropriate ask for me to try and put in the effort to buy something thoughtful for someone who has hurt me so badly. I asked DH to get this present. Looks like he forgot.”

AnneButNotHathaway · 06/12/2024 07:04

Let him sort it out, it'll be fine. If he decides to send a card or a smartshow 3d video, he's also free to add only his name.

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