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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to call off my relationship at 38 weeks pregnant?

27 replies

scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 08:35

My partner and I have been together for a couple of years now, we live separately, im happy with this arrangement however in between seeing each other a couple of times a week, some weeks we don't see each other at all, our only form of communication is through text,

He never calls, and when I call him he's normally playing his games console or preoccupied doing things on his phone and not interested in the conversation, iv expressed how this bothers me several times throughout our relationship without any success or effort on his part to change things.

Yesterday I found out I'm going to need to be induced next week due to our baby growing inadequately and naturally am very scared and worried and was hoping to hear from him in regards to this, it being such a big event in our life yet I still don't receive any phone calls, or support and I'm at the point I feel like I'm begging for him to communicate with me and he just isn't interested,

I feel at this point my feelings towards him our changing and after him being so unsupportive throughout this pregnancy I don't look at him in the same light, AIBU to think this is probably the end of the relationship for us? To expect more from a partner? He says he loves me and our baby but his actions say different, I feel I deserve more but don't want to make any decisions I may regret down the line, does anyone have any advice or opinions on this? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
SussexLass87 · 04/12/2024 08:37

You can call off a relationship for any reason you want to OP..but, I mean this very gently...why have a baby with someone like this?

He doesn't sound like he's fully invested in the relationship - especially when you don't live together.

Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 08:42

SussexLass87 · 04/12/2024 08:37

You can call off a relationship for any reason you want to OP..but, I mean this very gently...why have a baby with someone like this?

He doesn't sound like he's fully invested in the relationship - especially when you don't live together.

We was being very careful, but the one time we slipped up I ended up falling pregnant, hope things would get better but unfortunately that doesn't seem to have been the case,
we don't live together due to the children we have from previous relationships, we couldn't fit everyone under one roof,
and I also prefer my own space, but the lack of communication through out has made me realise maybe I don't matter as much to his as he says, when bringing this up he'll say he loves me with all his heart and all the rest of it but then his actions don't match up, think iv just been taken for a ride at this point 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
ExtraOnions · 04/12/2024 08:47

You don’t live together, communication has always been poor, and he has always prioritised other things. Having a baby would never, and is never, going to fix these things.

This is who he is, you have to now decide what’s right for you and the baby… are you ok with a part time dad ?

mamajong · 04/12/2024 08:47

Honestly if he's like this before baby is born it's probably not going to get better after. Why not take a break and see how you feel in a few weeks time. Do you have other support for the birth and early days post partum? If not start working in that support network now, join some antenatal/new mums groups for example, but also please discuss finances and make sure he contributes financially

Pippatpip · 04/12/2024 08:48

Well, the poor woman can't do anything about not having the baby. The thing is, I think we expect men or partners to 'get it' without being told and they just don't. If it isn't said then it isn't there. He doesn't know that you are scared. It doesn't take a huge leap of empathy to understand why you are feeling worried - we get that but he just doesn't and some people don't instinctively because their experience of motherhood is their mothers just getting on with stuff not saying how stressed they are. I remember coming out of hospital after my first and my husband proudly telling me he had done the shopping and he'd bought stuff like spinach and things that needed me to cook them. Bless him, he never thought that I wouldn't actually relish making spinach with cream and parmesan (admittedly not hard to do but still cooking) four days after a very long birth and I am the sort that just does, iyswim.

I think we mask a lot and partners also mask their fears by escaping, ie, into gaming or whatever hobby. I think before calling it a day you need to spell things out to him about the reality of the situation, how you feel and your expectations. I know it is annoying to have to do this but unless you do, nothing will change. If you do, and he steps up then win win but if he doesnor it only is a flash in the pan, then wave goodbye.

Good luck.

Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 08:51

Pippatpip · 04/12/2024 08:48

Well, the poor woman can't do anything about not having the baby. The thing is, I think we expect men or partners to 'get it' without being told and they just don't. If it isn't said then it isn't there. He doesn't know that you are scared. It doesn't take a huge leap of empathy to understand why you are feeling worried - we get that but he just doesn't and some people don't instinctively because their experience of motherhood is their mothers just getting on with stuff not saying how stressed they are. I remember coming out of hospital after my first and my husband proudly telling me he had done the shopping and he'd bought stuff like spinach and things that needed me to cook them. Bless him, he never thought that I wouldn't actually relish making spinach with cream and parmesan (admittedly not hard to do but still cooking) four days after a very long birth and I am the sort that just does, iyswim.

I think we mask a lot and partners also mask their fears by escaping, ie, into gaming or whatever hobby. I think before calling it a day you need to spell things out to him about the reality of the situation, how you feel and your expectations. I know it is annoying to have to do this but unless you do, nothing will change. If you do, and he steps up then win win but if he doesnor it only is a flash in the pan, then wave goodbye.

Good luck.

Thank you, I have tried this before and it hasn't worked but I will give it one last shot for my own peace of mind

OP posts:
healthybychristmas · 04/12/2024 08:52

He sounds like a complete waste of time actually. He's acting like a teenager when he has children and a pregnant partner.

Life is easier without someone like that. If you end the relationship you won't have to worry about him, you won't get annoyed about him not contacting you and you won't have to actually think about him at all

mnreader · 04/12/2024 08:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 08:57

mamajong · 04/12/2024 08:47

Honestly if he's like this before baby is born it's probably not going to get better after. Why not take a break and see how you feel in a few weeks time. Do you have other support for the birth and early days post partum? If not start working in that support network now, join some antenatal/new mums groups for example, but also please discuss finances and make sure he contributes financially

Thankfully I have a great support network and a big family to help keep me afloat, they're probably the only reason iv been able to cope with this for so long in the first place, because although he's never there at least I had them checking in and helping me so never needed him, just wanted him but it doesn't seem as though the feeling is mutual and I think iv been silly sweeping it under the rug for so long it became the norm, but the fact he still isn't pulling his finger out when it comes to our daughter has really made me feel differently towards him and see him in a different light, I don't hate him, but I certainly don't see a future with him the way I did before

OP posts:
Penguinmouse · 04/12/2024 08:57

Pippatpip · 04/12/2024 08:48

Well, the poor woman can't do anything about not having the baby. The thing is, I think we expect men or partners to 'get it' without being told and they just don't. If it isn't said then it isn't there. He doesn't know that you are scared. It doesn't take a huge leap of empathy to understand why you are feeling worried - we get that but he just doesn't and some people don't instinctively because their experience of motherhood is their mothers just getting on with stuff not saying how stressed they are. I remember coming out of hospital after my first and my husband proudly telling me he had done the shopping and he'd bought stuff like spinach and things that needed me to cook them. Bless him, he never thought that I wouldn't actually relish making spinach with cream and parmesan (admittedly not hard to do but still cooking) four days after a very long birth and I am the sort that just does, iyswim.

I think we mask a lot and partners also mask their fears by escaping, ie, into gaming or whatever hobby. I think before calling it a day you need to spell things out to him about the reality of the situation, how you feel and your expectations. I know it is annoying to have to do this but unless you do, nothing will change. If you do, and he steps up then win win but if he doesnor it only is a flash in the pan, then wave goodbye.

Good luck.

Why do men have to be told in order to understand something but women just have an innate natural knowledge? He needs to step up, is OP going to have to spend the next few years looking after a baby and playing mum to a grown man who needs to be told “call the woman who is about to have your baby.”

OP, what’s the plan for when the baby is born? Is he moving in temporarily? He needs to step up.

FloralCrown · 04/12/2024 08:59

You say he's already a father from a previous relationship; how does he treat those DC?

Does he have them 50% of the time and do school runs and homework and cook nutritious meals etc for them, or does he see them once a fortnight for a McDonalds?

Essentially, however he treats his current DC will probably be the way that he treats yours, aside from the fact his attention will be split even further by the extra child.

He's not going to become super dad overnight, so you're better off separating and doing your own thing, because at least then you won't be continually let down.

Wrapmelon · 04/12/2024 08:59

I wish you good luck with your decision, your gut will tell you what to do.
But please keep this in mind, and please make these arrangements today, before you go into labor:
Do not put his name on the birth certificate.
Give the baby your last name.
Do not give him any rights whatsoever.
Let him work to earn anything to do with your baby.
If he has proven he can be a father, after a few years you can rethink.
You will prevent yourself from getting a lot of legal troubles, custody problems and heartbreak (for your child too) if you do give him all these fatherly rights for free now.
You make sure you are at the steering wheel.

Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 09:01

healthybychristmas · 04/12/2024 08:52

He sounds like a complete waste of time actually. He's acting like a teenager when he has children and a pregnant partner.

Life is easier without someone like that. If you end the relationship you won't have to worry about him, you won't get annoyed about him not contacting you and you won't have to actually think about him at all

This is exactly it, I figured it's probably easier just to part ways then to continue to be made to feel so worthless and unimportant all the time, it will hurt but I figure it's a wound that will heal and probably stop me hurting over and over again in the long run

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/12/2024 09:02

@scarlettewrath what makes you think you are in a relationship?? does not look like any kind of relationship which I have ever known! you are pregnant to someone who does not appear to live near you or with you and who really cant be arsed about the health of you or your baby! you are, in fact, a single mother-to-be! I wouldnt bother contacting him again, not even about the birth!!! he couldnt care less!

Onthesideofthespiders · 04/12/2024 09:05

He’s not your partner. He’s your boyfriend. A guy you’ve been with for barely 2 years. And you decided a baby was a good idea? With a boyfriend you weren’t even committed to, don’t live with and already have kids who will now be affected by this.

Make better choices in future. Good luck with this one.

Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 09:06

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/12/2024 09:02

@scarlettewrath what makes you think you are in a relationship?? does not look like any kind of relationship which I have ever known! you are pregnant to someone who does not appear to live near you or with you and who really cant be arsed about the health of you or your baby! you are, in fact, a single mother-to-be! I wouldnt bother contacting him again, not even about the birth!!! he couldnt care less!

Edited

Unfortunately I seem to have let his words fool me at a time when I was vulnerable and over coming some hardships in life when we first started seeing each other, and then my fear of making a decision of calling it off and regretting it has kept me here ever since 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 09:08

Onthesideofthespiders · 04/12/2024 09:05

He’s not your partner. He’s your boyfriend. A guy you’ve been with for barely 2 years. And you decided a baby was a good idea? With a boyfriend you weren’t even committed to, don’t live with and already have kids who will now be affected by this.

Make better choices in future. Good luck with this one.

Edited

I was committed, seems it is he who isn't/wasnt, I do however agree with the rest of what you've said, no matter how abruptly you happened to put it.

OP posts:
VeryCheesyChips · 04/12/2024 09:10

It’s not really a relationship, is it?
I don’t think this was ever going to work and if the reason for living separately were the amount of children you both had, adding one more was always going to further logistically complicate that.
Whether he is your ‘partner’ or not doesn’t seem like it will impact the ‘support’ you are receiving here.
I think you need to drop this absolute waste of space and concentrate on yourself, your new baby and your child(ren).
I wish you the best of luck the for future but I really don’t believe he should be part of your forecast.

BeeCucumber · 04/12/2024 09:12

I’m sorry to read this OP. Just don’t contact him. Let him contact you. You’ve got a new baby on the way and you need all your time and energy for them. If your boyfriend gets in touch again, you can tell him it’s over - and if he doesn’t - you managed to drop the rope with no drama.

Original poster
scarlettewrath · 04/12/2024 09:13

VeryCheesyChips · 04/12/2024 09:10

It’s not really a relationship, is it?
I don’t think this was ever going to work and if the reason for living separately were the amount of children you both had, adding one more was always going to further logistically complicate that.
Whether he is your ‘partner’ or not doesn’t seem like it will impact the ‘support’ you are receiving here.
I think you need to drop this absolute waste of space and concentrate on yourself, your new baby and your child(ren).
I wish you the best of luck the for future but I really don’t believe he should be part of your forecast.

I agree, & thank you for the well wishes x

OP posts:
RedVelvetIcing · 04/12/2024 09:15

Stop making any effort to contact him and see if he bothers. I suspect not.

The relationship is already dead imo but you could always give him an ultimatum if you do want it to work.

Olive567 · 04/12/2024 09:21

End it. His behaviour is clearly telling you who he is and what he thinks of your relationship. It's good you've plenty of other support around you. If you end it now, you will be so busy with the baby you won't have a moment to dwell on splitting up (and will probably feel relief in knowledge you've made right decision to cut a weight from around your neck)

Onthesideofthespiders · 04/12/2024 09:24

I have to watch my ex do this nonsense. We’ve got two kids and he just never bothers to consider them when going about his life. New girl here, new girl there. A year in and he thinks it’s serious and calls her his partner and tells our kids that they’ll be moving in/getting married/having kids and then it’s over, or she’s pregnant and they split up.

The impact on my kids is huge. Why don’t parents ever consider the kids they already have?

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 09:26

I wouldn’t get in contact to end it. Wait for him to contact you. I’d also organise a new birthing partner and not bank on him being there. You may not even hear from him until after the baby is born.

You don’t need to put him on the birth certificate. But if you don’t, I believe it is harder to make a CMS claim. Something to think about once the baby has arrived.

Good luck xxx

okydokethen · 04/12/2024 09:26

Absolutely it sounds like it's over. He's probably not brave enough to end the relationship at this stage in your pregnancy.

Given you don't live together or talk on the phone. I'd text initially and make clear what you want in terms of the birth plan.