Stuck in an anxious relationship cycle - please help

[Alfiethecavapoo]

I am stuck in horrible cycle of breaking up and getting back together. I have been trying to understand if I want to stay with my bf. He has been emotionally abusive in the past but I have seen improvements in his he behaves over the last year but still have smaller issues and I am struggling to let go of past.

The last argument we had, he said that he is held to an impossible standard and that any time he does a small thing "wrong" it will send me into a spiral. Something happened at the weekend to set off all of my anxiety that I need to leave. Hes tried to convince me we can go to couples counselling and taking on board the things I'm unhappy about but for an entire day before this he spent the full time telling me how I'm the problem and I'm horrible to him. When we go through this, I start to almost forget why I want to break up with him, think it's my fault and just feel intense anxiety that I need to run away. I haven't eaten in 3 days from feeling so anxious.

I can't tell if I actually want to leave him or if it's just my anxiety. I end up telling friends and family that it's done as that's how I feel in the moment and within a day he has convinced me otherwise. I want to give it another chance but feel I am a fool if i do? I don't know how to figure out if it's just anxiety or it's time to finally end it?

It sounds like you need to work on yourself before you can think clearly about this relationship. Are you in therapy? The doubting yourself sounds unhealthy and he does not sound great.

Yes been going to therapy for a year to work on myself and do feel better about myself in terms of confidence and setting boundaries but it seems to have made the relationship worse

What are you arguing about? What impossible standards does he think you hold him to?

Think we need some examples so we can see whether your anxiety is caused by your shit partner, or if things are shit with your partner because of your anxiety

The relationship sounds unhealthy and bordering on emotionally abusive.

If you feel like you are on a rollercoaster with some really good highs - good times - and really bad lows, your anxiety will stem from uncertainty and not knowing what you’re going to get next, and that the person who is supposed to care for you is being nasty - it’s hard to wrap your head around, and you’ll be experiencing cognitive dissonance.

If he is sometimes horrid but then sometimes nice, this is known as “intermittent reinforcement” - you are hooked back in as you are waiting for things to get back to “normal” and the good times.

If this rings true the relationship is toxic and you need to leave.

Doubting yourself is what being in an abusive relationship does to you. And OF COURSE things will get worse when you try to have boundaries, because he has always benefited from you having none.

You can never have a healthy relationship with this man, because he feels like being non-abusive is 'perfection'. Far better to end it and then work on yourself for a while, until you trust yourself and love yourself. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want this relationship for someone you loved.

So examples of stuff -

• that I apparently want to have loads of stuff fixed in the house but also want to go on holidays and go out
• aggressively swore at me on my birthday which I was then upset about
• snapping at me for not sitting up straight when out for dinner
• criticising me for not disciplining the dog enough

In terms of impossible standards it's he says that I compare our relationship to everyone else and feels like nothing is ever good enough. He will do a lot of DIY but doesn't do any daily chores unless I specifically ask. Doesn't pick up after himself which builds resentment for me. Says I want him to have infinite money to do the house but also go on holidays etc (we had 5 years without a holiday but been away this year and he says I am saying it's still not good enough). He pretty much says he has put everything into our relationship and I haven't

@ThisPearlSwan yes it is horrible I am aware. I've been going to therapy, he refuses to go to individual therapy but said he will do couples.

Agree with PPs, you're not in the right head space for a relationship OP and he sounds like a bit of a dick.

Can you ask your therapist for support in ending it for good? Then stick with being single and continue working on yourself until you are genuinely content with being alone. At that point you should be in a healthier frame of mind for coupling up, should you wish to.

Yes I think I'm probably never going to get out of this cycle until I focus on me as all my headspace is focussed on this relationship

I agree with other posters, I think you need some space to work on your own issues as hard to tell if the anxiety is causing you to feel that way or if it's just a terrible relationship