How are you meant to juggle after work events and caring responsibilities?

[inthebosc]

I've worked in an industry known for its long hours for the past decade. Those hours mean you have to be at your desk charging time to clients.

In the last few years, however, there's been an increasing additional emphasis on trying to bring in new work. Not just in my company but in general, as companies are trying to step up their growth. Senior management admit that it was not something they ever had to do, whether as juniors or even in management, but we now all need to play our part.

Fine, but our billing targets haven't gone down, so you have no choice but to go to networking events in the evening after work. Each week we're asked in a business development meeting what events we've been to and it comes up in appraisals too. It's clear that there isn't a realistic prospect of promotion if you don't now bring in clients that way (in addition to doing your existing client work).

I've just come back from mat leave and DH and I work in the same industry so both are facing the same expectation. How are you meant to juggle this with DC or any other caring responsibilities? It just feels like another stick to beat people (women?) with.

The honest answer I think OP is that it’s largely blood money in those industries (presume finance, corporate law?) and it doesn’t leave much family time. The options are:

• Hire a proper nanny and both continue full throttle and accept minimal family time (I know some who has taken this option who has a FT nanny mon-thurs working 10 hours a day and then a separate Friday nanny to make the hours work. That’s 60k a year once you factor in NI etc but only you can tell if your future earning potential is worth taking the hit now.

• One of you step down (I don’t mean give up work and become a SAHP but move from a magic circle type set up to being in-house or similar, a more boundaried role, less money, more time at home)

I don’t work in this world myself but have many, many friends who do. The decision not to was very deliberate.

I don’t mean this to sound unsympathetic, it’s a shock when you have children I find - even in my far less demanding role, I often wonder how on earth I am meant to get life done. It’s actually worse when they start school and you have the holidays to manage plus a billion concerts, plays, sports days, odd sock days etc.

Good luck OP

I think it's unfair to make this about discrimination. You're right that it isn't sustainable for both parents to be working long hours but if one of you has to step back, it could just as easily be him as it is you.

I would guess you're earning a lot of money or at least on the career path to be earning a lot of money. It's your choice to work in that sector. As a family you need to sit down to work out how much you need to earn and how you make that work as parents. That's not your company or industry's fault - you need to decide whether you are willing and able to work long hours and earn big money. You are in control of where you work and what job you do.

We both have jobs that sound a bit like this as well as quite a bit of work related travel. Limited childcare due to availability locally.

We try to operate on a first come first served basis so send an invitation to each others work calendars when we book travel/week night social activity. I try to do maximum 4 nights a month but that’s not always achievable. If we have a big clash of 2 ‘important’ things then we’ll pay for babysitting if we can get it.

beyond that I’ve become much choosier over the years, there was once a time when I really suffered from FOMO and would bend over backwards to go to the opening of an envelope. Nowadays I try to pick the impactful events where there are specific people I want to speak to or I have something of value to add. I’m quite happy to say ‘I have other commitments that evening but soandso will be there instead/I’ll try to be at the next one’ when my commitment is being at home and putting the kids to bed. I’ve found the less available I am the more my time is valued by others.

so I guess, communicate and create space so you both have opportunities to do the right networking. It can be done if you’re smart about it.