Partner said he loves me as a sibling. What now?

[Andsoitsover]

Sorry for a long post... It is more of a WWYD and a bit of a hand hold.
My partner and I lived together for three years, he has children from the previous relationship and we are both in out mid 40s. I am not going to wax lyrical about how amazing he is, he is not. He is a human with his own faults and drives me insane at times but he is a good man and a kind man and I always felt safe with him. I trust him and I love him.
Due to series of stressful events and his chronic health issues, out relationship has been deteriorating somewhat in the last year. We spend less and less time together as a couple, there is less physical touch and we haven't had sex since July.
He started being away from home a lot, travelling for work, instead of bringing children over, he goes away with them and on child-free weekends he either works or he occasionally socialises with his friends and family in the area. I haven't seen his family since 2022. I am not usually invited on their nights out. I am not even sure they are still aware we are together which is something I became more and more unhappy about over the years.
We were always pretty great at communicating. Last night, after him being away all weekend again, I sat him down and asked him if we can talk about our relationship as neither of us seem very happy with how things are going at the moment. That's where he told me that he loves me but we've become more like siblings than lovers. His focus is elsewhere - work and his children. He doesn't have mental space to even begin to consider if it is possible to save things and, on reflection, it is best for everyone if he is alone. He has no joy or pleasure in life except his kids and that's where he wants to focus his limited mental energy. I respect that.
What hurt the most was him saying that not only he has no sex drive but even a though of having sex with me seems wrong. It is no longer this kind of love. There is nobody else and I believe that. I experienced the same feelings towards my last partner so I know how painful it is for both parties.
We are not making any immediate changes. We, for now, still plan to live together and we slept in the same bed last night. In a funny way, there is more affection between us now and it's like I got my best friend back. Except, of course, this is only temporary.
I can't bear the thought of not having him in my life and I know that if I move out, I will never see him or hear from him again. And it hurts like hell. The rational part of me knows that I have to move out as soon as possible. The emotional part of me is looking for a shoe in. Maybe this is depression? Maybe we need some counselling? I am clearly firmly in the denial stages of grief.
What do I do now?!

YABU - move out as soon as you can, this is not salvageable
YANBU - stay and try to work through it as a couple. HOW?

Sounds like you’ve been drifting apart for a while. I think it is time for you to move out. Do you have anywhere to go?

I think it's time to make plans to move out. I'm very sorry this has happened but it seems over the last two years he has disconnected and you've been either happy to go with his flow or you've been the frog in the pot.

It sounds incredibly painful but maybe some space is needed for you both at this time. 💐

It's time to put yourself first in this situation. Have you the means to move out?

The good thing I can see OP is that the most difficult part - the difficult, frank discussion - is over and has been faced and you are both being very realistic about the situation and neither of you is in denial.

you don’t have to make any drastic decisions yet.

No, but I have considerable savings and I was looking for houses to buy in the last couple of months. I would prefer to avoid renting to keep as much of my deposit money as possible. In an emergency, I can absolutely go tomorrow, leave my stuff behind and stay with some friends in another part of the country. I work remotely so it won't be a problem. It's more tearing myself away emotionally that is hard not the practicalities of moving out. Because I know that as soon as I do that, it will become real.

This relationship is over, he’s telling you that and you need to listen. Don’t spend a year trying to salvage this. Time to be strong and move out

At least he's been honest. Throw yourself into the process of buying a house and then move out and process what is happening. Don't drag this out. Better to end it on a high than be pushed out all guns blazing.

I think for him it's definitely over, he just hasn't had the guts to tell you. The sooner you rip off the plaster and do this OP, the sooner you can begin to heal. Don't waste your life chasing what is no longer there.

I agree that's why he keeps you and his family apart. You're in a separate bubble that isn't part of his core world. He doesn't want them getting emotionally attached to you because he isn't, and he's considering their feelings first. All of them.

I'd be making moves now and not limping through Christmas.

Absolutely, pack your bags and go OP. It's terribly sad but he has been honest and told you there's nothing to salvage.

You will recover from this. Sending hugs xx

I absolutely agree. The children only stopped coming in October. It's the wider family I haven't see in two years.

@JFDIYOLO yes, this has been my thinking too for quite some time now.

@Evaka thank you for acknowledging my feelings and for your words of encouragement. I know you are right and I will move on.. it's just so very hard to see it right now.

I'm sorry. I think it's time for you to move on. He's telling you it's over but too much of a coward to actually be the one to pull the plug.

Get yourself out of there as soon as possible. I certainly wouldn't stay. When would he have said something if you hadn't asked? He's only honest after prodding. That said, two years without seeing his family? Don't waste more time.

It's over and there is nothing to work on. I think he should have been honest much sooner instead of detaching himself and hoping you would take the hint. All the siblings stuff is nonsense - he just doesn't want to be with you.

I’m so sorry OP, it sounds really hard.
can you make plans for Christmas with friends or family, and/or perhaps book a holiday in the new year with a good friend? Have something to look forward to.
and let yourself grieve too. Just because it didn’t work out doesn’t mean it isn’t still a huge loss for you.

@TheYearOfSmallThings he should have been but not much I can do about it right now, unfortunately except to accept the things as they are. Hindsight is 20/20

@Twoshoesnewshoes thank you so much for your support. I pretty much feel like my guts have been ripped out. I am going away in March with my best friend and have a few events planned for December but I will likely be alone at Christmas. He is going to his ex on Christmas day to spend time with the children and I don't have any friends nearby (we relocated a few years back to be closer to his kids and I lost my support network apart from one friend I made locally since). I am just looking at tickets to see if I can fly home for a few days just to be with people I love.

It's entirely understandable @Andsoitsover that you're feeling conflicted. You're in a state akin to shock, and it will take time to accept this news. That said, this isn't a blip or a crisis, your partner has unmistakably fallen out of love, and lingering with him in desperate hope is not a good idea for your emotional wellbeing. You need to make moving on a priority.

Honestly OP, once you recover from the shock you will see it's actually quite exciting. You can buy a new house, build a new life and establish yourself in a community you want to live in.

And, if you choose, you will meet someone else who hopefully isn't a clinically focused, sexually barren bore.

If you both wanted a committed relationship that was essentially one of platonic companionship only, this would be fine. But that isn't what you want. You want a romantic and sexual relationship too, and he doesn't want that. It isn't going to work because you'll always feel rejected and he'll always feel guilty.

I was thinking along these lines too

A celibate relationship is absolutely fine if it’s genuinely what both partners want

Defo take yourself away for Christmas if you can get the tickets. You are in a strong position as you have savings, that's great. You might have to bite the billet and rent for 6 months whist you look for a place unless you have friends / family? Either way I think you need to move out asap - aim for getting out by the end of jan. New year new start.

In my experience this is not reversible. Once someone feels like a sibling, it becomes too weird and unnatural to consider them in a sexually attractive light. Sorry, I know it's rubbish but I think this is a realistic assessment and I know from experience it's so easy to keep going with false hope.

It sounds as though it's been over for him for a while and he has drifted away from the relationship.

I wouldn't rush to move out as you obviously need to find somewhere appropriate to live but I would start looking as soon as possible.

I understand it's really hard but like you said, neither of you are happy and he doesn't feel the same way about you.

You need to deal with your feelings alone. Find a counsellor to work through it and focus on yourself.

I sincerely hope that I can find the strength to feel positively about this. It's still less than 24h hours since the conversation and I am just not able to look beyond my grief at the moment. I've arranged to see a friend this evening which will hopefully help me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I also just bit the bullet and told my aunt that we are separating. It made it feel real.

Thank you, I just signed up for 4 sessions of counselling to help me through the initial stages.