AIBU/single parenting/fathers (un)involvement

MamaToBloom · 2024-12-03T19:27:35+00:00

First off I know there are many amazing fathers out there, some who even take on the full parenting role which I take my hat off to them completely. but does anyone else just struggle to understand how a ‘father’ can go about their life day to day, no worries about childcare/appointments/finances and not even check in to see how their child is? It seems like after the mother and father split up, (some) fathers just seem to drop the kid aswell? sorry if its all a bit jumbled. Just really annoyed this evening thinking about how much my gorgeous, kind and caring 2.5 year old daughter is missing out on the relationship a father & daughter should have, while her dad spends his time doing whatever he wants with his other child & stepchild. Now 3 weeks this week she has not seen him and no effort from him to even check in, I’m so glad she’s too young to understand. If I could go back in time and never meet him, I would - if it meant I could still have my daughter :(

Toomanysquishmallows · 03/12/2024 19:31

My ex hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years! He just prioritised his new partner and child ..

Original poster

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:32

Toomanysquishmallows · 03/12/2024 19:31

My ex hasn’t seen dd1 for 20 years! He just prioritised his new partner and child ..

im sorry :( same boat here to be honest. when you look at your child you really wish you made a better choice for them

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SweetBobby · 03/12/2024 19:33

Focus on what shoe does have, not what she doesn't. The only one that's missing out is him.

Original poster

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:35

SweetBobby · 03/12/2024 19:33

Focus on what shoe does have, not what she doesn't. The only one that's missing out is him.

Absolutely! The family we do have are amazing and she has everything she would ever need

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LittleRedRidingHoody · 03/12/2024 19:45

YANBU - I feel like men can sometimes compartmentalise and turn off all feelings!

DS's father was a fling, nothing serious, had a conversation about pregnancy and he urged me to get an abortion. I didn't, but told him he had a choice about being involved - he didn't want to be, fine 💁‍♀️ Told him door would always be open if he wanted contact or updates, he said he'd think about it...

Sent him a photo the day he was born, got a reply 'ok 👍' ~ not a word since 😂 He was divorced with 2 kids who he's heavily involved in raising and seems to be a doting parent. I've never asked for CMS (I out-earn him significantly and CMS was used as a weapon between my parents, so I've not chased either) but equally he's never offered anything.

Original poster

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:50

LittleRedRidingHoody · 03/12/2024 19:45

YANBU - I feel like men can sometimes compartmentalise and turn off all feelings!

DS's father was a fling, nothing serious, had a conversation about pregnancy and he urged me to get an abortion. I didn't, but told him he had a choice about being involved - he didn't want to be, fine 💁‍♀️ Told him door would always be open if he wanted contact or updates, he said he'd think about it...

Sent him a photo the day he was born, got a reply 'ok 👍' ~ not a word since 😂 He was divorced with 2 kids who he's heavily involved in raising and seems to be a doting parent. I've never asked for CMS (I out-earn him significantly and CMS was used as a weapon between my parents, so I've not chased either) but equally he's never offered anything.

My goodness, that reply! Says it all doesn’t it! He was all on board for having my daughter, up until she was 4 months old when I found out he was doing the dirty, so I ended things - since then he’s been completely in and out, I used to ask him if he would like to see her/attend nursery events etc but now I don’t even bother as there’s always an excuse. I’m in the same predicament with CMS. I work full time and as far as I know he isn’t working so I’d only get whatever the amount is you would from someone being on benefits, it wouldn’t even cover my daughters milk for the week! 🤣

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Original poster

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:52

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:50

My goodness, that reply! Says it all doesn’t it! He was all on board for having my daughter, up until she was 4 months old when I found out he was doing the dirty, so I ended things - since then he’s been completely in and out, I used to ask him if he would like to see her/attend nursery events etc but now I don’t even bother as there’s always an excuse. I’m in the same predicament with CMS. I work full time and as far as I know he isn’t working so I’d only get whatever the amount is you would from someone being on benefits, it wouldn’t even cover my daughters milk for the week! 🤣

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Also, he was previously divorced too but has now returned to his DD mother, so is obviously with his first child and his stepchild (who is a lot older) every single day being the doting father. It’s good to know I’m not the only one in this situation!

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onceisenoughinlife · 03/12/2024 19:54

Yes I really don't under it either OP. I was my my ex husband nearly twenty years married for over 10. He walked out when eldest was barely into school and twins were babies. He goes weeks without seeing them or checking in. Eldest has a phone but he never texts them. One child was very very seriously ill in hospital earlier this year. He went days without asking how they were. And yet when he shows up he acts like the world's greatest father and is surprised when the kids don't bother with him.

Original poster

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:56

I’m sorry to hear about your child being in hospital :( I hope they’re okay now and I’m sure they were so thankful for their Mum being there.
I’ve been hit with that also - “she doesn’t even like me/want me to play with her” ermmm maybe because you’re practically a stranger at this point?!

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Original poster

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:57

onceisenoughinlife · 03/12/2024 19:54

Yes I really don't under it either OP. I was my my ex husband nearly twenty years married for over 10. He walked out when eldest was barely into school and twins were babies. He goes weeks without seeing them or checking in. Eldest has a phone but he never texts them. One child was very very seriously ill in hospital earlier this year. He went days without asking how they were. And yet when he shows up he acts like the world's greatest father and is surprised when the kids don't bother with him.

Previous post was in response x

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sanityisamyth · 03/12/2024 19:59

My ExH hasn't seen my DS10 since March, hasn't asked about him or tried to contact him at all either. Ironically, his profile on his work website states "loves spending time with his son". Ummmm really?! He pays maintenance (bare minimum of what he has to) and that is literally it. Even the payment is on a standing order so literally ZERO headspace for his child.

2021mumma · 03/12/2024 20:05

I just don’t understand some men’s morals, to know you have a child out there you have no interest in I find just mind-boggling.

I was like you, my ex hasn’t seen his daughter in 23 years I was so angry at the beginning, no visits, calls, presents or money simply walked away. But I soon came to realise I had this amazing child and the only one that was missing out is him.

He did us both a favour and I’m glad he wasn’t a yo-yo father. What has been terrible to find out is he had another family after us and he’s done exactly the same thing to them!

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 03/12/2024 20:05

MamaToBloom · 03/12/2024 19:52

Also, he was previously divorced too but has now returned to his DD mother, so is obviously with his first child and his stepchild (who is a lot older) every single day being the doting father. It’s good to know I’m not the only one in this situation!

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My ex did this!! I was going to comment saying as much as well!! I left him after 9 years and 2 children and he went back to his ex who he’d been apart from for 3 years BEFORE I met him!! Didn’t speak to either of our children from the day I left! He even told me if I left he’d never see them again… fuck that, he wasn’t controlling me anymore! Strangely though now, our eldest is 23 and was 6 when I went… and they speak now and then and him and I are civil! (Small town and I moved back home lol!).

BearOnABlanket · 03/12/2024 20:12

My ex is an utterly self-centered, lazy, coward who doesn't really believe other people are real people (especially children)

If I'm away from the kids for work (rare, but happens) then we'll still probably text goodnight to each other. I can't imagine going even 2 days without them checking in (they're tweens) - yet he goes weeks and months.

All you can do is make sure they know that you are solid and there, and that you always will be. Mine don't really mind if they see their dad or not, because they have full, happy lives and think of him about as much as he thinks of them (ie. not much at all)

Not1Not2Butt3Holes · 03/12/2024 20:13

My daughter saw her father a handful of times, he simply couldn't be bothered, there were no excuses. He knew my number, where we lived, where my parents lived and where many of my friends lived. In 15 years he bought her one pair of school shoes and gave me maintenance of £30. When she was 14 he begged to see her and she decided herself to give him a chance. He was diagnosed with cancer shortly afterwards and died a couple of months after she turned 15. She didn't want to go to his funeral as she said he was no father to her, she didn't know him and would only have known one person there, her half sister. What a waste, for him and more importantly for her. Men who walk away from their children are pathetic, absolutely disgustingly pathetic.