tricky cousin issue

[Hubhubba26]

My 5 year old son has a cousin (from my partners side of thefamily) who can be very mean to him. Not physical btw. What really gets to me is that there is very little intervention from his parents in those moments. From what I can fathom they tend to go with the soft approach. As I understand this is because he is adopted and has some very mild additional needs. He is however 11 years old.
My partner has arranged a meet up over the holidays and there will be other cousins visiting from America. Last time they came over cousin X spent the entire time trying to turn visiting cousins against my son. At the time DSwas 3 and cousin x was 10. I'm informed rather than discipline cousin x they took him to therapy. The therapist put his behaviour down to reaction issues stemming from his adoption at 2 years old.
I'm being very tactful in my description here. But as you can imagine I'm pretty annoyed. Because whatever excuse Cousin X has this is not a great situation for my son. Im tempted to put my foot down and stay at home with DS rather than join the family gathering,
I'd love to hear people's thoughts on how they would manage the situation. Xxx

I think I’d be ready to leave, pulling up cousin on every mean comment, loud verbal discipline or asking his parents to put a stop to the bullying at every comment. I certainly wouldn’t be allowing nastiness again. What does your DH say? Did he do anything last time?

It sounds like you don’t really understand the cousins special needs. Adopted children may come from very difficult beginnings and “mild sen” may only be mild in your eyes because you judge their severity based on how much they impact you. That said I would be supervising closely.

There is this overall vibe of "oh it's just cousin x being cousin x". He is not great with any level of "confrontation".

@Ohthatsabitshit that's fair enough. Perhaps my phrasing needs correcting. Although my son also has sensory issues and potential ADHD which he is receiving occupational therapy for so I do know a fair bit. The adoption side yes perhaps I could research some more in order to respond appropriately.

Adopted children come with complex trauma, adoptive parents are given a lot more support and training than any other parents. There could be a reason they don't discipline him in the way you would and would be fine for your child. Having said that it's not ok for your son to bear the brunt of it, so you will need to run interference. Keep an eye, move your son away, that wasn't kind Johnny come on Cuthbert let's see what grandma is doing, rinse repeat

@MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira thank you! It's a tricky one but you're right I think that's all I can do

I've learned a lot on MN about the difficulties and differences in parenting adopted children. I'd trust the parents on this one.

That doesn't mean your DC needs to take it. If you have a good relationship with the parents you could ask how they would like you to handle it (in an understanding way, while being cheerfully firm that your DC needs to be protected too now he's old enough to understand), or else just be there to distract your DC away.

@BarbaraHoward thank you. I notice there's also an adoption section on mumsnet. Will take a look

I think there are other ways too, ok kids who would like to play X board game with me. Then you're running the situation, it involves all of the children and he's not likely to be as unkind. If he's trying to turn others against your child or sounds to me like it comes from a place where he fears that either he won't be liked, and that's issued attached to abandonment issues common in adopted children.
He is however getting to an age where his behaviour will start to have life consequences, but that's not your battle

It doesn’t seem right for your son to miss out on time with his other cousins- surely better to take him and step in as soon as there are problems.

No matter what the cousin's dditional needs are, its not fair that your son is being picked on. I would go to the event but step in and deal with any issues myself. Also brief my son on what is/isn't acceptable and what he should do about it.

I think this is why social services prefer adopted children to be the youngest in a family- a younger birth child receiving a huge amount of attention can be seen as a threat. It might well be the case that the cousin fears your DC getting attention. I think you need to supervise very closely and step in and move your DC if an incident arises, as pp have said. And if gets very bad, you could leave. You’ll need to agree a plan with your DH beforehand.

I wouldn’t see Cousin X with the wider family group “because obviously it was so difficult for him last time.”

I would arrange to see American visitors separately if possible.

Your priority has to be your DS.

@Maray1967 Cousin x was quite enamoured with DS as a baby. Pretty much right up until he started talking. We actually lived next door to Cousin X until DS was 3. So not sure if theres a connection there

@Maray1967

"I think this is why social services prefer adopted children to be the youngest in a family" WOW I didn't know that. I sort of wish I had.

Regardless of adoption, trauma, needs etc I imagine lots of 11yos aren't overly fond of their five year old cousins. So I wouldn't overthink that, little kids can be annoying. It's how that annoyance is dealt with that matters.

Hmm. That does have me thinking. Were you intervening to let the bigger cousins play without a three year old in the way?

@BarbaraHoward the American cousins have only visited once before and the visit took place at our house. Cousin x was running around and throwing things put of our window. I redirected him to a calmer activity. DS tried to join in but when I noticed cousin x wasn't keen I took DS away. A short while later I heard cousin x whispering calling DS names and telling them not to play with him. Later on they all rejoined to watch a film and things calmed, although cousin x still quite comandeering about film choice etc

@BarbaraHoward good point

It's a tricky age gap even without any bigger issues. We had it in our family growing up.

Its the dynamics, of cousin x being on my in laws side of the family. I just want yo make it clear to DS that its not OK to treat people that way.

I’ve not adopted, but friends of ours did, and told me that this was impressed on them by social services - the adoptee should be the youngest in the (immediate) family. However that was 20 years ago - might not be the guidance now. But I think it makes sense as all of us with more than one DC know how tricky it can be when DC2 arrives - older sibling jealousy can be a huge problem for some families. Although it’s a case of cousins here it might still be an issue.

How old are the cousins @Hubhubba26 ?
I do agree with seeing them separately if the parents don't even intervene when he behaves poorly.

@DoreenonTill8 American cousin would be 9/10 now. Cousin x is now 11

I'd definitely see separately then, while I agree with pp 2 children of 10/11 will prob just want to play together and not be 'annoyed' by your DS being there. He'd probably have better fun just having 1:1 with American cousin.