To despair at what my life has become?

[Yesiknowdear]

I'm sat in tears this morning. I have 3 kids.
I had my 1st at 17, went and got myself a career, beautiful home, and overcame infertility and had two babies in quick succession.
And my life isn't at all what it was and I don't think it'll ever return.
My eldest has always been quite sensitive and needed lots of support with her mental health, but its now dawned on me that she's most likely autistic. She wanted to attend a college that hinged on her special interests which is hours away. The plan was that she would use public transport as honestly I couldn't see me taking her being viable and I hoped that i would be able to go back to work.

Well she's started college, she burned out 2 weeks into term. So now I'm driving 5 hours most days, there and back, there and back. And providing support to her.

And trying to do all I can for the middle child, I'm creating language activities for him, because he's non verbal, to try and get him talking. Trying to get him to socialise without hitting and snatching. Or screaming. Between the frequent, frequent clothes changes. He goes through about 5 outfits a day, because he just soaks himself every time he's given a drink, or food. I suspect that he has PICA because he eats everything in sight. The past few weeks he's been trying to eat his wooden toys... the boy is fed but nothing seems to compare to the objects he wants to eat. He doesn't really sleep. He was up until 12 screaming, then back up at 2, and then back up at 6:30. He refuses to nap. He frequently hits and I've currently got about 8 bruises on my body from him. He doesn't nap and if he goes to the childminder he screams and refuses food or drink until I collect him so the one time I have with the youngest and lowest needs child I no longer have. The time was set out to get on with housework and attend a baby group on the days he attends but it never works out that way.

I'm snowed under with clothes. Fucking clothes everywhere....they're sort of in piles to wash, or on airers or ready to put away, but I can't leave him for even a few minutes because he's always on a mission to hurt himself or destroy something. I've devised a plan to try and colour code his outfits for each day in future so I can hopefully put all of his days outfits in at once I may even do the same for myself and the baby.

I'm just so exhausted and feel like there's no way out. I have no time or energy for anything outside of the kids and their needs.
Things like the garden have just been forgotten about, painting that needs redoing. Putting the Christmas tree up is a hope that I'm not sure I'll ever fit in. The middle child will just scream and try to eat everything and this morning he turned around in his chair and decorated my kitchen radiator with a sachet of prunes as I put a few plates from breakfast in the dishwasher.

By 9am I'd had enough of my day. I've felt tired and unwell for a really long time, and I've constantly got a mouth full of ulcers. I think that the stress is really taking a toll on both my mental and physical health. I feel so useless for not coping better.

That all sounds incredibly hard, no wonder you're feeling on the brink. 3 Neurotypical children would be hard enough.

Firstly, do you have a partner or any family to help? Can your middle child attend a nursery or more structured setting which might support his needs better?

Finally, it's not viable for you to do that much driving every day. What are the transport options for your DD? Can she find ways of coping with it better like noise cancelling headphones etc etc.

You're doing amazingly and I hope it gets easier for you soon. X

If you highly suspect DC are neuro divergent I’m sure you know that there is a high chance you are too.

Sounds like you too are burnt out, and it’s hard as a parent to get back because well just being a parent.

The mouth ulcers can be low b12, first point of call today ring your GP and ask for a blood test for tiredness including b12. If your b12 is low you can get private injections for £30 or if it’s low enough on the nhs. If this is the only task you do today, do it please!

Write a list and tackle one thing per day, I know you might have analysis paralysis going on, as you are so overwhelmed right now. Just focusing on one thing at a time.

Do you have anyone that can help? Do you have funds to outsource all the clothes washing to get on top of it?

You aren’t failing and you aren’t a bad mum, you care so much about them otherwise you would be here asking for help. It’s ok to be angry and upset life hasn’t turned out the way you pictured. You can do this, just one step at a time

That all sounds so hard.

How old are your younger ones? Under school age?

First point is go to HV and speak about ND diagnosis urgently. Explain how your eldest is suspects ASD and is burning out and you need to get them help now.

Your eldest? Can she switch to a course nearer home? Is she enjoying the actual work and struggling with the social aspect. Discuss her getting a diagnosis and also the support or structure she might need. She's an adult now - she needs to help take some responsibility for this and find ways to meet her own needs. If that means coming home for a while then so be it.

The house stuff: can you hire help? I have two NT children and my house is chaos too - the washing is by far the hardest part. So you're not alone. I'm trying a one load a day, put away immediately method. It's not quite working yet.

Where is your partner in all this? Do you get any time at all to yourself? Do you manage to exercise?

See your GP and get a full panel of bloods done. Suspect you need a high strength supplementation programme as your body will be burned out from the lack of sleep. Cheaper to get this on prescription than expensive online stores.

My tips would be

• eldest needs to do something else. 5 hours driving a day is not feasible. You will have more energy when you completely stop this.
• can you find alternative childcare for middle child eg nursery even if they take them for a few weeks before refusing to continue. This will give you some time off.
• clothes - get rid of at least half if not more

The 5 hours driving isn't feasible every day. My ds is neurodivergent, so I know that you are just trying to help her but it's too much.

What's the journey on public transport like? Does she need to change buses or trains? Is this causing anxiety?
Could you drive her part of the way to a connecting train/ bus? Could she download some podcasts to listen to?

Thank you. It really does feel very hard. Trying to weigh up everyone else's needs and by the time we get to my needs there's nothing left. Let alone for anything else.

I don't really have support, my family were abusive and highly dysfunctional and I've been NC with them for years, my STBEH and I split when the baby was 7 weeks old, around 8 months ago. My PILs would help but FIL is quite unwell with advancing dementia and heart failure, and the kids are just too much for them. Except for the eldest but she would prefer her own company.
To be fair to ex, he just isn't very practical and doesn't understand the children's needs.
I am looking into new childcare provisions and I think I've found one, a lovely lady who has a lot of experience with autistic children but she won't have space until April.

The only practical advice I can give is - when you have the energy, simplify the home by getting rid of things you don't need. Do you really need all those clothes? I bet you'd function fine with half as many.
Getting rid of stuff can be a start, although it's only a tiny part of the issue.

The 5 hour drive can't continue!

Your daughter will have to change to a college closer to home. Even if she was using public transport, it’s ridiculous to think anyone should be doing a 5 hour commute each day. Ok so she might not be able to do the course she wants, but tough shit. Sometimes you can’t have what you want.

I feel so sorry for you. Why did you and your ex split up?

Thank you, yes I think I am autistic.
DD had the parent consultation as part of her autism assessment last week, and during that I did touch on having not realised some of the struggles she has had were abnormal because I have them too so life has been about managing the struggles she's had as an individual person and getting past them individually without realising that it may have been anything more than just a normal struggle here, and there, and there, and there and there... I've been fire fighting for my whole life to conform, to cope, to fit in..and apparently thats not as normal as I'd thought.

Thank you for the information RE B12, as it is quite likely that I'm deficient. I'll pop an e consult over to my surgery just when I've finished writing this

I think I do need to outsource the clothes cleaning.. its the bigger of the problems as it is quite time consuming.
I will create a list today.
Thank you

Thank you, it made me laugh that you too are struggling with the washing....why does it become such a monster to deal with?! I dp a few loads a day but keeping up with the clothes of everyone is hard!

So the youngest are 29 months old and 9 months old (I didn't really plan on having them so close, but saxenda stopped my pill from working...and here we are!)

My ex is kind of around for the kids but with the eldest he's like, she's being really awkward, the middle one he struggles to see as needing any additional help and it invariably means that he comes back hurt or really dysregulated and having eaten nothing but rubbish. I know I'll sound like I'm being controlling with the food thing, but I try so hard to make him have a diet that's nutritious and I don't want a mcdonalds to become a safe food for him that he becomes overly reliant on.
DD is doing really well in an educational sense. She's really motivated to do well and if she were anywhere else, she wouldn't be interested. Attending this college was her hyperfocus for 3 academic years. It is themed to the industry she wants to attend and provides networking opportunities with the industry so I can understand.

I have actually managed to get the assessment process started for both Kids.
Middle child has been on the waiting list since June. There's a wait of 3 years in my area.
DD was referred to a newly opened assessment provider in November, 1st appointment for parents has taken place, her assessment itself will happen early January. We've been lucky.
Once that's done and formalised I'm then going to pay privately for middle child I think.

The HV was not helpful at all when I spoke to her about middle DC but I did eventually get him referred to the CDC.

@Yesiknowdear you're doing amazingly. You have NO support, tiny children and a teenager with additional needs. It really sounds like you're in the thick of it and I hope it gets easier for you soon.

You say your STBX is not practical, well that's not good enough. Are all the children his? He has willingly procreated and now he needs to step up.

I'm so sorry things are so hard for you.

Oh and time to myself? Not really. I had my hair done in September. It's really that bad.
I bath with one of the kids, and if elder DD isn't overwhelmed she might help me do a swap so one of the kids gets taken to the living room in a towel whilst I have the other in the bath. I'm not quite sure how I managed to lose myself this much.

I think you might be right with needing less clothes. Not helpful that youngest always feels he's between sizes and needing so many spares for the middle one.

I need to figure out a way for DD to even do the journey there or back each day as a minimum. The hope was she would learn to drive after turning 17, but I don't know, will the driving there and back be overwhelming? It's the best place for her and her career aspirations but it's just so.far.

I have found someone else for DS to go to. The lady doesn't have space until April but will be excellent for DS. Has lots of experience with children like him, lots of contact with professionals who can support. I'm a bit concerned about sending him somewhere else in the meantime. But I have started to look, we might find somewhere we're both comfortable with to bridge the gap between January and March
Thank you

Thank you, for her to do public transport is more like 3 hours each way with a change in between which she had studied extensively before I agreed to her attending this college.

She just didn't really take into account the social aspect.
She's confused because part of her wants to be included and have friends, and her peers on the bus on the second leg of her journey are all really nice, welcoming and look out for her but she's also exhausted by the social interaction and kind of needs to be left alone to not be overwhelmed.

She's got her airpods- someone did mention above and it's a point I forgot to answer. She uses them to cut down on the noise around her so she is less stimulated by noise around her.

I think I may need to try and do one journey for her a day. Or like you say, sort of split the journey for her. That'd be more manageable.

Hi op
I only have one toddler who is (I believe ) neurotypical and I also struggle so much with the washing and tidying. What you're managing is incredible and any human being would find it tough - you're not doing it wrong, you're doing about 5 people's worth of jobs , alone. Please don't feel like you're failing at it you've done amazingly.

But you're right that you do need to make some changes so you can be happy and healthy! As your kids need a happy healthy mum.

'He's not that practical' this has annoyed me so much why do men get let off the hook. What CAN he and his parents do? If they can't manage the kids, can you ask him (and them if willing? I would for my future grandkids) to take their laundry and then return it organized into a bag for each child's? If he can even take them out for an hour or two (he can get a double buggy and just go to a soft play) a couple of times a week you could then put the outfits for a week in advance (for all of you) into pouches or something so you can just grab and go. Could your ex come to help with bedtimes or too awkward? If you can show him how it's done he could then start to have them overnight.

With your daughter, could her dad do some driving to her college? If she is 18+ could she rent a room closeby? On spare room there are plenty of families offering Monday to Friday rents, or she might even be an au pair and get free rent in exchange for doing some school pick ups and babysitting. If she's not willing to reconsider this then she might need to leave as it's just not sustainable.

The childcare you've found from April sounds great hang in there!

My problem is that I kind of need a lot because the middle child goes through so many changes in a day. I need 5 outfits at the start of every day for him alone so he has quite a lot of clothes, then baby too.
I do need to de clutter a fair amount though. I am guilty of struggling to let go of "stuff" ..and I will make that a serious goal, before Christmas.

Have had words about the 5 hour drive. I think I have a plan in place.

The thing is she is so focused on this course, this college, and this career, I'm really concerned if she lost it that there would be no interest in doing anything else. Her obsessions and the way she zooms in on these things has been a concern for a while now, and I'm hoping it's something we can address and put some sort of coping mechanism into place.

It's such a long journey, a conversation we had a hundred times or more.

We split because I fell pregnant with no3 unexpectedly, and he wasn't really happy, wasn't really very nice during my pregnancy and he pretty much removed any support I did have from him previously, he pretty much used every way he could to punish me. Horrible time and when I had the baby, I found I couldn't really forgive him. By that point he was somewhat remorseful but I lost a lot of respect for him. Our marriage ended when he shouted down the phone at me that no I wasn't his priority so I should fuck off and stop making him so miserable.

Doesn't paint him in the best light but here we are.

Im in awe reading your posts feeling the dedication you have to your children and wanting the best possible for them. Driving your daughter all that way to give her that chance is incredible.
I cannot imagine how you cope with the demands and doing it solo. I really hope you find the strength to keep pushing for assessments and the help you need so that maybe one day you can get a bath alone (and more). I have no advice but just wanted to say how moving it is to read and see the love you have for your children.

Hi OP. Just wanted to say you sound like a really caring and loving mum to your children. It sounds so hard and it's comes across like you are really trying so hard to meets everyones needs. But you need to put life jacket on first if you see what I mean. You need to be healthy, happy and strong for them. Can you find a way to get some time for you? Send each child to a friends or family or nursery. I think there is a charity or organisation that offers free home help for parents including childcare. Sorry can't remember it's name but someone mentioned it on another board. Hope you find a solution.

Thank you, the two youngest are his, but we had infertility for years (and years) and he was always fairly happy that DD would be his only opportunity to be a parent, and to her he has been a really good father figure and even now he finds it easier to be her father than the boys, because they're quite alike. They have many of the same mannerisms, same sort of attitude, same music interests etc.

Even when he tries, it's just not great. He falls asleep when he's got the boys in his arms, or completely misses what he should be paying attention to. I asked him to please just sort the boys out for bed for me this evening. I explained I needed some time to myself as I don't remember the last time I was awake and alone and I'm overwhelmed and would like more patience with the boys.
It took him over 2 hours to dress the boys for bed, and I needed to remind him to brush their teeth, and the middle child had thrown himself off the TV unit twice and somehow fell over and hit his head on the door. He then said, well they're ready for bed. I'm off now then... so it really is a situation where I will ask something, I'll need to explain detail by detail, sort out piles of both boys clothes, nappies, toothbrushes. Toothpaste, bottle etc and it'll be no more than I asked, just exactly as much as I guess he can do without looking like he's trying to be unhelpful.

Sorry that makes me sound really ungrateful and like I'm impossible to please. Generally I'm not, I promise.

You sound exhausted OP and your ex partner is doing that thing where if he does everything really badly, you won't ask him for anything else.

So, his choices are:

• do the college run (unless your daughter can learn to do this herself - I get the noise thing and use my ear buds just for the noise cancelling function with nothing on most times)
• pay for cleaning and laundry
• have 50/50 custody

Tell him to pick one.

Re the laundry though, I'd be inclined to let a 2 year old just run around in pants and a vest if you're just at home and use a non spill cup.

Insist on him having the kids at least one weekend soon though and get away with your eldest somewhere relaxing so you can spend some quality time together.

Hi I have 3 autistic children and 1 neurotypical child. Mine are all close in age so I know what it's like to be in the never ending cycle.

It may be worth looking into an EHCP for your eldest and then your middle Child. This could also help with transport

Another option is to call the college welfare team and talk to them and see what support they can offer, this may include some help with transport. My eldest is in college and the college pay for his transport as he was unable to use the provided transport due to sensory issues. Then when he passes his driving test which as he receives PIP he can learn at 16 instead of 17 he will be provided with a disabled space on the college grounds.

You are entitled to a carers assembly which is usually provided via your local council. This should pinpoint any support you are entitled to.
You can also reach out to social services and ask for support and in particular some respite care.

I am also neurodivergent and parenting is very difficult even during "simple" days. Be kind to yourself.

For washing use colour catchers so you don't have to separate loads. In the future you could buy your middle child 2 or 3 days worth of clothes, 1 to wash, 1 to wear and a spare set. Also teach your eldest how to do laundry and if she starts doing her own laundry or does a couple of loads on the weekend this will ease your load. I would start involving your eldest in lots of household tasks even cooking.

Good morning everyone!
Apologies I just ran off from the thread.
I got a bit of steam in me and got a lot of things sorted!

I told my ex that he needed to have the kids for the evening so I could go to the launderette and get the hoardes of washing sorted out. As I walked past the playroom, I realised he was on his phone. Baby on the floor, middle DS throwing toys about (as is quite usual!) And he had no idea what was going on. So engrossed he was. I stood the other side of the doorway for probably 5 minutes, and when he realised I was there, I said that someone needed to watch the kids, it obviously wasn't him and that he would be doing the launderette run. He was not impressed. Not at all but it got done.

I had an empty washing basket for all of 7 hours 😅

But things are looking up! I'm deficient in a lot of vitamins so I have some jabs that I'm having to help me, and just like that I'm back in the land of the living. I have some energy and I stopped getting ulcers, one jab is late by a few days because of the scarcity of appointments over the christmas/ new year period and they've returned so maybe this will be a long term thing to get me back to where I should be with my vitamins.

Eldest has her formal autism assessment today. I've been so anxious I can't sleep!
This could be the turning point where things get easier.

DD also turned 17 last week, so she had money for a car for her birthday. Finding a car is proving harder than we thought, but ex says he will help to teach her to drive. This is something that feels helpful, as he mostly taught me. He says he will pay for 2 lessons a month too with an instructor and I'll do the same.
It feels like I'm on the cusp of everything getting better.

My son is showing signs he knows when he's been to the toilet in his nappy, so I'm going to start trying to potty train him. I already do sit him on the potty a few times a day, usually when I'm going myself. Keeps him busy with me. But he's said "Got go" a few times.. each time I realise he's been in his nappy.. I'm grasping at any sort of sign were progressing at this point!
He is also going to start with a private speech therapist again, as his language is definitely emerging.. Still work ahead, but I feel so much brighter than I did a month ago about everything.

I might feel differently again when DD returns to college!

I think you are marvellous doing your best to cope with all that is going on and trying to be there for your children's specific individual needs. It sounds like you're drowning under all your caring for your children. So take a moment to let that sink in xxx. Please can I suggest that you take a step back and pretend that this is someone else's life - say your best pal and what would you have to say to her? You're totally overwhelmed -who wouldn't be in your situation. Like suggested in another post I think to simplify your life in any way you can will be a good start. You're a care-giver and need to remember that your wellbeing has to take priority. Much love to you.💗