Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Husband has been sober for 6 months but wants to drink at work Christmas party

25 replies

Vt86 · 03/12/2024 07:29

Hello,

I’m feeling a bit anxious/ frustrated/ upset and just wanted to see what others thoughts are on the matter as I don’t feel like I can discuss this with my close friends or family. Sorry if this is very long winded and I will be most appreciative of anyone who takes the time to read this 😅

When I first met my partner, we would both drink/ get drunk but I always felt that he had his limits. He then decided to stop drinking for 2 years as part of a news years resolution. After 2 and a half years of being together, he started drinking again. He would have normal amounts but then, every few months, have a couple of weeks where he was awful and would binge drink copious amounts. However, he would stop and then not drink for another 6 months etc. I had a miscarriage the year before last which was a bit traumatic and it definitely took its toll on us and he ended up having a drinking binge over Xmas and new year which was not ideal but assumed this would be a short phase as usual and then he wouldn’t drink again for a long time. However, I got pregnant again 2 months later which was great and he was fine for the first few months but then he got stressed with work and probably the pregnancy and he continued to drink on and off every other week, it was genuinely a really stressful and horrible, lonely time for me and I ended up staying at my mums for a month, he also turned up drunk to a scan etc. He then stopped for a month over the end of my pregnancy and for the first few weeks of my sons life. When my son was about 4 weeks old, he started drinking again and I moved straight to my mums as I said I will not be in the house with him
and my baby if he has even had a drop of alcohol. I then ended up staying at my mums for a few weeks as I’d also had a c section and recovery was hard with a newborn and he was still drinking. During this time, believe it or not… my sister (who I was working with for the last 2 years) also told me that I basically don’t have a job to come back to. This was a very stressful time and in this time, I managed to sort out my husbands CV and apply for a job that wanted and got. This was in January and he has since worked there and pretty much not had any alcohol since, excluding a small relapse in July for a week.

The issue now is, he has done very well for the last year and done well at his job, financially supporting the family so I can stay home with my son etc but he wants to drink at his Christmas work party. He says he is in control and it’s just one occasion but I don’t trust this and the last two christmas’ have been so upsetting and stressful because of his drinking that I think it’s unfair to risk putting the family through that. Why even risk it?

OP posts:

1457bloom · 03/12/2024 07:32

If he is an alcoholic he needs to stop for ever, very different from only stopping for a set period of time. Only he can make that big decision.

AndAllOurYesterdays · 03/12/2024 07:39

God this reminds me of my childhood so much. My dad would stop for ages after an ultimation, then have 'one beer' and the cycle would start again. He's addicted, it needs to be all or nothing, with some counselling so he can find some other ways of coping.

Original poster

Vt86 · 03/12/2024 07:46

Yes he has admitted that he has a problem and has been to meetings. This is why it upsets me because if he can acknowledge he has a problem then why would you want to risk losing your family for the sake of one Xmas party or even just put me and his son through all that shit again.

OP posts:

CandleStub · 03/12/2024 07:49

Have you looked at Al-Anon, op? You might find it helpful.

From what you’ve said he’s an addict who needs to stop for good. Yanbu.

FOJN · 03/12/2024 07:58

He's an alcoholic binge drinker, the binges will get longer and the gaps between will get shorter until he becomes a daily drinkers just like most other alcoholics. This process could take years or could accelerate quite quickly.

He does not think his drinking is a problem. You cannot make him see it as a problem. He will not think about stopping permanently until it feels like a problem for him, by that time the consequences of his drinking will be significant.

If you stay with him and badger him about his drinking you will be wasting your breath. You need to decide if you can live with the situation or if it's completely unacceptable and leave. Don't threaten to leave if you don't mean it. The threat might make him stop for a while but there will come a point where the alcohol addiction is stronger than his love for you or your child.

I'd suggest you go to Al Anon. You can suggest AA to him but you can't force him to go. It's not his fault he is an alcoholic but he is responsible for getting help.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

GiveMeSpanakopita · 03/12/2024 08:04

I'm sorry OP. He is an alcoholic and it will get worse not better. Many alcoholics never become daily drinkers - binges are a recognised pattern of alcoholism and are very damaging in themselves due to the mess the alcoholic makes of their life when they're on one.

The test of alcoholism according to AA is not the volume or frequency of drink taken but whether the person can stop once they start. Your DH cannot.

You can't stop or control his drinking and you should not even try. Instead you should consider whether or not you want to live like this and take appropriate steps based on your decision.

Zanatdy · 03/12/2024 08:08

I think he’s completely unreasonable. But I also think you have to accept (or don’t) that this is going to the cycle from now on. He has a problem with alcohol and needs to stop drinking. I’d personally be thinking about ending it, I wouldn’t want my child in that environment.

Dideon · 03/12/2024 08:14

He is an alcoholic who is not ready to change. This behaviour will be part of your future with him. You now have to be honest and decide what you want as you have absolutely no control over what he wants.

Andante57 · 03/12/2024 08:25

As pp have suggested, please go to Al-Anon.
You will find help and support there from people who are/have been going through the same thing.
Im sorry, op - alcoholism is a cruel condition for everyone it affects.

Fraaahnces · 03/12/2024 08:28

I would make it very clear that if he has even one sip of alcohol he wouldn’t be welcome back in the home. He had to understand what he is risking.

Overbythewaterfountain · 03/12/2024 08:30

Can you leave for your mum's again now? He is an alcoholic and needs not to drink EVER.

The fact that he thinks he can drink "for fun" is very alarming and I would leave at the mere suggestion of it, never mind if he actually does it. He is not a safe person for your child to grow up around and is continuing to prioritise alcohol over his family. You can get support from Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics, not AA which is for the alcoholic).

LunaNorth · 03/12/2024 08:32

I feel for you both. I’m four years sober, and the first couple of Christmases were so, so hard. Alcohol is pushed at you from every direction, and you just want to feel like everyone else. Plus, being pissed helps with the Christmas stresses. It’s bloody hard to do it sober.

If I was him, I might avoid the party altogether, but it has to be his decision. I guess all you can do is empathise that it’s really hard to stay sober, suggest he plays it forward (what will happen next if he drinks?) and get him to contact his sponsor, if he has one.

FusionChefGeoff · 03/12/2024 08:32

Definitely try Al-anon to help you cope with his addiction.

The story you have told is very familiar to me from the rooms of AA and indeed my own. Every single time he drinks it eventually turns into a huge issue causing chaos and pain to those around him.

All the evidence from his past tells exactly the same story.

And yes, for some unfathomable reason, he has convinced himself that THIS time will be different..... it's actual insanity. Madness. And yet that's what our alcoholism tells us - in order to persuade us to drink again.

I'm completely with you - if he chooses to drink again then that is him choosing alcohol over his family and would be the end.

Sweetaschocolate · 03/12/2024 08:33

My dad has just passed away largely due to alcohol.
It wasn't a pleasant death either and to watch him die in the way he did will haunt me forever.
He was an alcoholic and it drove all his family away.
I never had a good relationship with him which is sad because the few times he was sober he was a good man.
Please don't let your child grow up in a home where an alcoholic lives, it won't end well unless he really does get help and stays sober.

KristieLambert · 03/12/2024 08:35

I bet he can't control himself, you have to stay alert

FusionChefGeoff · 03/12/2024 08:35

I also agree with PP that the wise choice would be to skip the party completely. He is not strong enough yet so even if he decides / tells you he won't drink, it feels inevitable that he will change his mind once he's there as he still believes he can drink normally.

Step one for an AA programme is "we admitted that we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable"

He unfortunately doesn't sound like he's made that admission.

Whaleandsnail6 · 03/12/2024 08:38

I have had a similar situation to yours ... husband's drinking became problematic (drinking secretly, trying to put limits on himself but unable to stick to them, ) and a month ago he finally realised that he needed to stop drinking full stop.

He has previously done the whole "I'll only drink socially, I'll only drink lager..." But he has realised that doesnt work for him and has said he wont drink again and is sticking to it

I am a bit concerned about new year. We always go to a friends family party where there will be about 30 of us (adults in this group have always socialized with a drink including us). So far he's saying he wont drink and will drive but I'd rather us give it a miss this year in case once we get with this drinking group he wants "just a couple" but he wants to go and celebrate.

For me, him having a drink this early on to his new pledge would be a deal breaker

Id be having a conversation with your husband about what Christmas do would look like if he had a drink and then if he didnt.

I do have some sympathy, its hard to go to these events if everyone else is drinking and you always have done and now dont, but I think if he cant stick to not drinking, then he'd be better not going. He needs to see that for himself though and you need to decide whats a deal breaker for you.

DollyPlastic · 03/12/2024 08:55

We all know it won't be just the one party.

He needs to keep going to the meetings and go through the steps. It's so fucking rubbish for you until he does.

Summerishere123 · 03/12/2024 08:58

My DH is an alcoholic. I gave him an ultimatum and he stopped drinking. He hasn't even had a blip. Still goes out occasionally but has stayed strong.
He knows that one drink will throw him back to the beginning. It isn't worth the risk.

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 15:15

So there are "no alcohol" drink options, if he wants to feel included, even Guinness has a 0.0 can, cocktails etc.

What is it he feels he is missing out on?

Whaleandsnail6 · 03/12/2024 15:56

toomuchfaff · 03/12/2024 15:15

So there are "no alcohol" drink options, if he wants to feel included, even Guinness has a 0.0 can, cocktails etc.

What is it he feels he is missing out on?

I do genuinely sympathise with someone who has an addiction and is giving up alcohol where alcohol will be drunk at an event, and you would normally drink...yes there is non alcohol versions of drinks but imo being around a load of pissed people as the sober one is not fun, especially if you used to be a drinker . Its learning a whole new way of socialising

However, I firmly believe that if he cant commit to not drinking and he understands the impact drinking has on his family, he should sit this one out until he is stronger in his sobriety

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 03/12/2024 16:50

He’s an alcoholic and therefore he’s not in control. One drink is never enough. It’s an addiction.
He has clearly done well recently but in order to keep doing well he has to be consistent.
One drink can ruin all he has achieved over the last few months. In no time his marriage and career could be over.
And you have to live in this knife edge.
I am sorry but if he has one drink then that is him putting drinking before himself, his marriage and his family.
You then have a choice as to what you do.

Marblesbackagain · 03/12/2024 16:56

Unfortunately he hasn't got it has he. He seems to think he can dip in and out. Until he fully and authentically admits he is an alcoholic and therefore can't drink you are gonna be in the rollercoaster for addiction.

It is likely to get very worse before better.

Gatecrashermum · 03/12/2024 16:58

Oh I'm sorry.

As you know, there's very little you can do. He's in the grips of an addiction and he's lying to himself. Personally I would regard one alcoholic drink too much. And I say this as someone who was a problematic drinker and has quit completely.

If you decide, quite reasonably, that he has to pick alcohol or his family, don't leave the house. He has to leave. Move your mum in if you need to, for a bit.

1457bloom · 04/12/2024 16:40

One drink is too many, a thousand drinks is not enough...

Flip