New Neighbour & Food

[RandomUser1000]

I don't mean to be horrible but a new male neighbour recently knocked on my door to introduce himself and gave me a plate of food.

I wish I refused it but was being polite. Now I have a plate to return.

I don't mind someone introducing themselves but he's invited me over and asked me if I want more food.

I don't want food. I don't want new friends. I just want to live here without hassle.

This is the second time this happened this happened. Do people not realise that it's not a nice thing and makes people uncomfortable?

My neighbours and I regularly share food. If either of us have had a baking session we take some round and if one of us Have cooked too much we will send leftovers. My kids prefer her mac cheese so when she makes it she makes an extra dish and sends it round! It's a lovely way to build up friendships. They're moving soon and we are going to bake a cake for our new neighbours when they come., with a list of ingredients.

We also had neighbours in our old city who were Persian (I think) & when they moved in they kept bringing us plates of food. They spoke no English but those little food gifts were a lovely way to communicate with them and helped them integrate into the community. It was also some of the most delicious food I've ever eaten. She wrote down the recipe for one meal in her language and my mum, who worked in a school with lots of languages spoken, managed to get it translated for me to cook. When I had a go I sent her my attempt and she beamed and gave me a huge hug. I was really sad when we moved because while we never managed to communicate in words, food made a friendship!

I accept it was well intended. I just think that perhaps some men have very little awareness when calling to a woman's home when she's there alone and don't consider that it might make people feel uncomfortable. That's all.

I wasn't rude and never would be. I just gave to bring back the plate.

What a misery. He was being nice, having nice neighbours is a good thing.

Sounds like what happens in the Netflix series The Watcher.

My husband used to mow the lawn for a neighbour, who was in her 70s. He's a man in his 40s. She used to make all sorts of comments about how the sight of him in shorts and ripped tee-shirt was making her come over all unnecessary (and as a caveat he has a 40-something dad-bod, he's no Adonis). She freaked him out. I just think that perhaps some women have very little awareness when a man is on his own, and don't consider that it might make him feel uncomfortable. That's all. So please, don't make this into a man vs. woman issue, because really it so very much isn't.

As soon as I read your OP, my mind went to wondering if the new neighbour was from an background that was culturally different from yours, as (and I thought this was generally well known, but I'm willing to be corrected) it is considered perfectly normal to offer food as gifts. I used to work in the home of a Sikh lady, once a week, and she was forever offering me food, either to eat on a tea break, or to take home. I discouraged it as much as I could, as I am really not capable of eating anything that's not as bland as can be, but it was well intended and I always accepted.

Similarly, I have neighbours nearby who have brought food round in the past, simply as a gesture of goodwill at Christmas, although between you, me, and the whole of Mumsnet, they had inadvertently p**sed off another neighbour (who had over-reacted in a spectacular fashion, albeit consistent with their bad temper & history of aggression) by doing something that was nothing to do with food, and therefore was very much trying to rally the troops. Safety in numbers and all that.

So yes, based on what you have said, you are being totally, totally unreasonable, and instead of fighting against how you say he made you feel, you could be using that energy to challenge why you feel the way you do. Why is it not possible that you are the one who needs to amend your ways, as opposed to him doing so to suit you?

On the other hand, if -as you have described "a new male neighbour recently knocked on my door to introduce himself and gave me a plate of food" turns out to be a white man in his 30's with a plate of eggs & bacon and a hope you will pop round sometime to enjoy the same at his place, then no, you ANBU, because frankly, that's just weird. But somehow, I'm sensing that's really not what happened.

Second putting the plate on the doorstep.

I agree with this. Actions speak louder than words. She won't be troubled with any further gifts of food.

My DP is Persian and when we first met I was surprised to see him taking food round to the neighbours, it was in an apartment block in the city and the neighbours loved it. We had a student live next door who he regularly made food for.
I did put my foot down when he wanted to share expensive takeaways but on the whole it was lovely and we got to know neighbours well and ended up having BBQs in the communal garden and everyone got to know each other and were quick to help each other out when needed.

We now live in the outskirts of a small town in a much nicer area and had a completely different reaction, DP took some buffet food round to the neighbours after my mums funeral and they acted like he was trying to poison them. It’s sad because I miss having nice neighbours and it makes a huge difference not having that extra support network like when someone needs a cat feeding if they go on holiday, to borrow jump leads or tools or even an emergency lift somewhere, there were common things that we encountered at our old house.

I’d love to know what the meal was you had the recipe for? That’s the other downside now we live out in the country, we can’t get the ingredients as easily to make Persian meals.

Return his plate , spit on it , making sure he sees, throw the plate to the floor and stomp off . That will show him up for being kind!
Or you could be slightly civil and acknowledge the food , say thanks but no more, maybe pay him a compliment even.
Sarcasm obviously

Wow. Seriously?? And I thought I was antisocial. It's a lovely gesture and should be taken as such. If you feel awkward that's something to do with you, he hasn't done anything wrong here.

What a depressing thread. I wish I had a neighbour who made samosas. I'd absolutely inhale them. Sharing food is about generosity and community. It's more traditional in some cultures than others but it shouldn't be considered wildly out there for anyone. When DP and I moved into our new house our neighbours brought us a cake, and this is in Unfriendly London where we don't interact much with them at all. He baked buns in return. I have a friend who's become firm friends with her neighbours in another part of London because they take her food every Eid, and she makes desserts in return.

I don't think anyone should stop and think that it might cause offence before they take their neighbours food. Even if you're paranoid about germs and don't want to eat it, at least have the manners to say thankyou.

Urgh I'm so sorry you have experienced that.

I wish I still had the recipe but I can't find it anymore. If I remember correctly (it was 13 years ago) it was almost like a biriyani type dish with lamb. It had pomegranate seeds and molasses in. It was delicious! We lived in a really multi cultural part of Birmingham with an amazing grocer who stocked all those beautifully exotic spices and ingredients so was easy then...we live in rural Wales now so have the same issue of not being able to get some things!

Persian food was lush though. We had lots of different things but this lamb dish was the most amazing one ever.

My previous neighbours were Hungarian and I remember a day where they were cooking a massive pot of something delicious smelling over a fire in their garden, with friends. At the end of the afternoon they brought round a dish of the most tasty goulash which we very much enjoyed. I sent back a bread and butter pudding. Great neighbours.

In future just say oh sorry I have allergies thank you though.
Don't be such a grump one day that neighbour might help you like ring you and say I know your away someone is in your house

I also feed my neighbours. Though not on a first contact. They used to get bowls of fresh herbs and veg from me too. I used to get some nice bits back and non edible small bits. We are mix of ME and EE so they had some interesting stuff from us.

It's really important to know my neigbours for me. And not in like meet up every friday night for deinks, but chat, occasion tea or smth like that.
I've seen way too many times on MN "I am in x dangerous/terrible situation but I can't ask neighbours because I don't know them. Lived here 6 years"....

Shpuld he never know on neighbours door in case it's a woman alone, btw?

Oh blimey, this is a terrible idea. They'll end up in some kind of bake off esque game of food tennis and the OP will never be rid of him!

I agree, he may have just been being friendly, but if the OP doesn't want to have a friendship with the bloke she's better off nipping it in the bud, even if it means telling fibs about food allergies or whatever.

It’s a completely ordinary thing to do, and you’re being paranoid and sour.

He was not to know that you are one of the Mners who regard a ring at the door bell as an act of war, a 5-minute conversation as an escalation, and a plate of food as a probable attempt at poisoning.

Isn’t it exhausting, being so negative all the time?

Accepting a plate of food FROM YOUR NEIGHBOUR is not at all like accepting a drink from a stranger in the pub. For a start, if it turns out that he's actually the Graham Young of Acacia Avenue, you know where he lives...Also, you can accept a drink from a stranger in the pub if you watch the barman pour it.

I'm all for personal safety but sometimes sensible caution can tip over into paranoia. Your neighbour was kind and welcoming. Be polite back.

At least she plucked it! When I moved to my cottage on the edge of the city, my neighbour took to hanging a brace of ducks in my garage if he'd been shooting. I learned how to pluck them from YouTube...fortunately, I had a non-squeamish friend who would come along to give me a hand, and then we'd have a nice roast dinner that night. And now, I know how to pluck a bird.

Bringing new (and old) neighbours food is a wide-spread signal of neighbourliness and goodwill. I realise people have all sorts of reasons like allergies for not wanting to eat food of which they don't know the exact provenance, and reasons for being easily worried by friendly gestures from men, but I think sometimes, one has to acknowledge that one's feelings about this are a bit unreasonable, and respond in time-honoured fashion by simply returning the plate clean, with a wee thank-you note (if you don't want to put food on it yourself). I'm told home-made preserves are also very useful for deploying in these circumstances. Only you will know if you actually ate the food. Now, if the neighbour starts constantly bringing you food, then perhaps is the time to address it gently.

Why moan when a new neighbour has done something nice?, no wonder the sense of community has all but gone.
Thank goodness I live somewhere friendly.

He's just being polite. Gifting food is a cultural norm in some places. Accept it graciously, eat it or not, return the plate with a quick thanks. How miserable are some people.

I just think that perhaps some men have very little awareness when calling to a woman's home when she's there alone and don't consider that it might make people feel uncomfortable.

He is a new neighbour, unless he has been peering out his window, 24hrs a day:
-How would he know you lived alone?
-How would he know you didn't have someone else in the house when he called?
-How would he know that is makes you uncomfortable???

Exactly.

My job involves settling people from all over the world into new communities and quite often they ask me whether they should call on neighbours to introduce themselves and/or take a gift.
It makes me very sad that I have to tell them to be cautious as some people in The UK are a bit ridiculous about that sort of thing.

Oh my god. My neighbours brought round chocolate brownies on the weekend we moved in. It was an absolutely lovely thing to do. Why be uptight and silly about it? Be gracious, and grateful you have friendly neighbours.