hi all,
just thought I’d post on here to let things out and see if anyone can offer any advice:(
i dont know what to do. Recently I’ve had really good mental health and been happy up til like few weeks ago when I got abuse from my sister and just a few setbacks like bad thoughts. I thought I was getting better after a life of abuse and bad events but I wasn’t apparently it was all a facade.
I am sleeping all the time, when I wake up I am exhausted and just want to sleep all the time because I just feel so done with life. I want to run away in an ideal world or vanish for good but I can’t realistically. I sleep so much and sleep the time away because I feel so down and done with life. I know all about distraction and believe me I’ve tried but it doesn’t fill the hole.
I took 2mg of diazepam as the doctor called me for a welfare check and prescribed a week’s course. The diazepam worked and made me feel dazed and nice for about an hour or two then it wore off. Was told to call the surgery for a mental health review but the receptionist turned me away and told me that the doctor has instructed them not to put anyone else on the list for today so I had to hang up.
im not looking for sympathy or anything before the troll comments start, I just am looking for some advice I guess and just getting things off my chest. I feel so lonely even when surrounded by friends and family I constantly feel like an alien who doesn’t belong anywhere and is looking in at life. I disassociate 24/7 and haven’t felt normal for many many months maybe years cos I lose track of time and my memory is so bad I only remember day to day then when the next day rolls round I forget what I did yesterday. I don’t understand why because i used to disassociate as a child when I was abused sexually by my father but that stopped when I was 17. I do know life can be lovely and I have experienced that but most the time like now I just feel so down and stuck like a hamster running desperately on an infinite wheel. I am also not working at the moment and on benefits and I feel like the scum of the earth waste of space:( I don’t do it for free money like many people think, I do it because I’ve had jobs before but couldn’t physically turn up because my depression has been so bad. There must be a way out but I feel so helpless plus people haven’t been nice to me. I made a post on here and people assumed I was begging for money because I didn’t list ingredients I had to make a cheap meal out of. I wouldn’t ask anyone for anything I’d rather go without I’m not like that. I have a boyfriend and a best friend but that’s as far as it goes and I know I’m lucky. I shut myself off from other people and acquaintances because I feel they prefer other people and they don’t need me in their lives.
im sleeping all the time, not seeing a point anymore in life but I don’t even know if I’m depressed, like properly depressed. I’ve been diagnosed with trauma, complex PTSD etc in the past and I’ve been very suicidal and angry but the past months I just withdraw into myself and just feel life is pointless and i need to clock out. I don’t know what’s going on with me.
thanks for reading if you did xxx