When it's over

[PepperPaper]

Did you feel your marriage just...die?

Not with a big row, or event, but just a small thing, and suddenly poof, you knew it was over, after years of trying?

🤔 are you coming back to this one.

'After years of trying' - that sounds more like a slow painful death. Tell us more...

How do you mean?

The marriage has been good at times, never great, but I always blamed myself. I just needed to be more patient, or nicer.

It's like everything has shifted and I can see everything exactly how it is.

That's he's selfish and I've accepted the bare minimum for 15 years.

I think I know what you mean by suddenly seeing things through a different lens. It sounds that you've been quite unhappy for a long time, but making the best of it and relying on the occasional good spell. And now it just seems miserable and not worth the effort.
If you can afford it, it could be helpful to have some relationship counselling sessions to see if things can improve, and if not, to get some help separating.

Not with my marriage that I'm in now but my partner of 8 years before my current DH, yes.

Things started to die slowly from about years 3-4. I just didn't want to give up. Then year 6 I decided I wanted to travel for a year, thought there would be no yay in hell that my partner would come and therefore it would be an easy way to split.
Lo and behold he gave everything up and came with me.
Thought this was lovely at the time / was excited / thought he was perhaps someone I could end up with forever. Travelling was great but by the end of the year I just felt like friends.
And then one evening there was a very very minor thing that he did and that was it. I just decided. Boom, done. Nothing massive, just knew that I was actually done.
Best decision of my life.

Thank you - yes exactly that.

I didn't want to marry him, not really. But I thought no one else would want me.

He's not a bad guy, but he's an awful husband.

I stayed because he's not a bad guy. No abuse, no nasty streak, very loyal.

But quite selfish, not flexible, not thoughtful or romantic at all, takes me for granted, promises things that don't happen, lies about small things.

Today he did something really, really small but it just lit a bulb, and now I don't even want it to work. I don't care anymore.

Same style as another poster, who never comes back.

Thank you so much for validating my experience/feelings - it was the same today with the minor thing. It was so minor but it just summed up everything.

I'm done.

Oh I see, no I don't have intentions of not replying, I'm grateful to posters taking time to post.

I think if you're feeling like this in your gut then you know.
It's hard, and it's sad, and there will be fall out and consequences of any split. But if your heart isn't in it then it's time.

With my DH now, we have our ups and downs, weeks of being madly in love, weeks of fantasising what it would be like to be separated.

But I know deep down that I love him and don't want to part from him even when he's annoyed me etc.

I feel quite secure with this feeling based on my experience before that I honestly just knew in that moment. I never felt sad for the end of that relationship. I never had a single regret.

This is a big day for you, OP. Wishing you all the best with freeing yourself from this dismal (though not horrifying) situation.