Are we *allowed* to be tired? (Competitive under-sleeping)

[DelusionalBrilliance]

Mid 30’s, two kids ages 3 and 7.

Partner pulls his weight, but my kids are early risers and if they’re up I’m up. Both kids didn’t sleep particularly well until they hit 3, so I’ve pretty much had 7 full years of consistent broken sleep and early mornings. No family close by to take them now and then, but myself and DH tag team at the weekends so the other gets some time alone to recharge. But I’m still exhausted.

I daren’t mention this to anyone I know because there seems to be this strange thing of competitive under-sleeping? My watch tells me I sleep between 4.5-6.5 hours per night on average, it’s been this way for years and years. My mind tells me that most people getting by on that sort of sleep for years would feel a bit worn out and fed up, but when I speak to other mums or look online, it seems that getting that amount of sleep is normal and I’m an outlier for being wiped out!

So, what do you think?

YABU - that’s enough sleep and you’re just weird

YANBU - screw that I’d be knackered too

I have children a similiar age who don’t sleep well so I hear you.

But if they sleep through the night and get up early I don’t understand why you don’t just go to bed early yourself.

Oh I hate that. My son is 6, autistic and chronic insomnia so I have disrupted sleep but I hate the competition around sleep. You absolutely can say you feel knackered. That isn't enough sleep you're getting. It's really bare minimum to not collapse.

It’s like people who talk about the eight hour thing but I honestly think it’s more consistency- if I have a full nights sleep I can be as wrecked because it’s been sooo long!!

I would be, and was, absolutely knackered on such little sleep.

When DS was that age I used to try and be in bed at least 2 nights a week by no later than 8.30pm.

My kids are 22, 19 and 16 and I still only average about 6 hours a night and as a single parent I'm resigned to it now.. Kids have ruined my sleep (eldest autistic and didn't regularly sleep through until 6). You're allowed to feel tired. Of course you are. I'm permanently and chronically exhausted but somehow your body just gets used to it! I wish it was different but it's not.

Mine have additional needs and low sleep needs and all go to bed at different times. It's crap and I have had 10 years of sleep deprivation now. But it's not a race to the bottom and we are all 100% allowed to admit that we're tired.

Of course you can.

I remember when the kids were babies and I started getting a consultant stretch of 4 hours a night and found this was the point that I could juuuust about function. Any less and I started hallucinating/eyes drooping randomly and feeling quite unwell with tiredness. Any more was a bonus and I could actually do stuff other then sit around on the sofa (eg load the dishwasher or do a shop)

If you are consistently getting less then 7 hours (especially if it's broken sleep) then it will wear on you over time.

I'm always tired, mine are a bit older and sort of sleep through but I do think your brain is just buzzing all the time with mental load and worry.

At my yoga class we have to say how we're feeling at the start and everyone is always tired and I range from "could fall asleep right now" to "won't need a nap after school run".

Why are you getting such little sleep? I'm not surprised you're exhausted.

I've never understood competitive misery. If you're tired - you're tired. The fact that someone would feel amazing on the same sleep you get is irrelevant.

I can do 4-5 hours a night for a couple of nights but then need a nap or a longer stretch of 8 hours to compensate.

Given DD is currently 12 months old, I've not slept for more than 3 hours in a row since she was born. I hate interrupted sleep but I think my body is kind of used to it now.

DS didn't sleep through until 2.5, so I'm buckled in for the ride :(

I miss a nice, long, lovely night of sleep.

Last night was especially bad as I couldn't drift off until 1am and then DD was up from 1.30-5am. We had to get up for the school run at 6.30am.

I had a nap with her at 10am :/

However, I'll quite happily moan to anyone who asks that I'm tired!

It depends upon many things - I'd love 6.5 hours' sleep as 4.5 is around the 'that was a pretty good night' stage. However, when DD1 was little until she was 13, she woke every time I had just crashed into deep sleep (I go from awake - deep with next to no light sleep at all), so I never got anything worth calling sleep; it was just a relentless awake-awake-awake-brief period of peace-awake-zzzzzzz-AWAKE-just beginning to relax and...THAT'S YOUR LOT YOU HAVE TO BE AWAKE NOW FOR 20+ HOURS.

What I worked out was that for the majority of people saying 'it's just one of those things' they were by some fluke only being woken up toward the end of one of their sleep cycles - with me, if that happens, I can just about function on 90 minutes - 3 hours, but it takes its toll physically as well as mentally - I think it's on a par with the damage to health that working shifts can cause.

It's shit, frankly. You being woken when you're in deep sleep and then not being able to go back to sleep because they're up for the day now is shit and you are definitely not being unreasonable to say it.

Completely understand @DelusionalBrilliance. Around the same amount of sleep here for the same amount of years and I can't see it changing any time soon. I'm so in routine with it now I find I can't even get an early night as I'll get my hours and then be awake awake at dumb o'clock. I would love a lie in, dh would gladly give me a weekend day, but once I'm up, I'm up. I just can't lay in bed once awake it makes me fidgety and annoyed. It's pretty clear where my dc get their sleeping habits 😅

But, I am permanently tired. And it does feel so unfair!

Sleep quality varies widely. You can't judge based on hours slept how tired people are, if you are tired, you are allowed to be tired.

Well my username is probably a clue…. I probably get a similar amount of sleep to you. My two are 6 and 8 but sadly neither sleep through every night (and seem to take it in turns). My eldest has additional needs and starts the day at 2am on a fairly regular basis. I am EXHAUSTED. The kind of tired that a week of good sleeps wouldn’t touch. I moan about it to anyone who will listen. You have my every sympathy.