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Original poster

Is it reasonable to move house for this reason?

22 replies

naeA10 · 02/12/2024 15:27

I have struggled with self esteem all my life (39 now!) and always looking for reassure I suppose. I’m single with a young child of 4. I really want to move home. I have a lovely house, it’s big enough, it’s all done up, big gardens. It’s just… when I moved here I was in the middle of a lot of trauma with my ex. It was horrible. I bought the house alone and I was so sad moving in. There’s loads of lovely memories here but much of it was a struggle and I never felt I loved the house, it was just somewhere to be.

Having only lived here 2.5 years it’s expensive to move. But I desperately want to. I want to feel like a fresh start even if it’s not a different area. Is it bratty or crazy to do this? Should I put up with these feelings and not spend the money? I feel so conflicted but I can’t get it out of my head

OP posts:
Makingchocolatecake · 02/12/2024 15:33

Can you swap the rooms around so it's feels fresh? Like swap dining room and living room etc? If not I don't think it's stupid to move if you can afford moving expenses. Only you know if it bothers you enough to spend 5k (or whatever solicitor, survey, stamp duty etc costs).

twinmumoffour85 · 02/12/2024 15:40

naeA10 · 02/12/2024 15:27

I have struggled with self esteem all my life (39 now!) and always looking for reassure I suppose. I’m single with a young child of 4. I really want to move home. I have a lovely house, it’s big enough, it’s all done up, big gardens. It’s just… when I moved here I was in the middle of a lot of trauma with my ex. It was horrible. I bought the house alone and I was so sad moving in. There’s loads of lovely memories here but much of it was a struggle and I never felt I loved the house, it was just somewhere to be.

Having only lived here 2.5 years it’s expensive to move. But I desperately want to. I want to feel like a fresh start even if it’s not a different area. Is it bratty or crazy to do this? Should I put up with these feelings and not spend the money? I feel so conflicted but I can’t get it out of my head

I would 100% move OP. Having stayed living in a house for 4 years after my OH left which carried a huge amount of negative memories and emotional trauma I can't tell you how amazing it now is creating happy memories in a new space. Even just being outside of my old house makes me feel hugely anxious and emotional still. It will cost you a large sum to move but honestly, you can't put a price on your emotional well being. If you can afford to do it and it won't cause too much upheaval for you and your child then why not?!

BendingSpoons · 02/12/2024 15:42

Hmm tricky. On one hand I understand things remind you of an unhappy time. On the other hand there is a risk you will move and it won't help, but will have cost you a lot of money.

SleepToad · 02/12/2024 15:45

You don't need other people to validate your decision. If you want to move because of the association of where you were then move.

My dad always said I should keep the house I grew up in and rent it out. Mum died when I was 17 and dad had limited life expectancy and died when I was 24. I couldn't keep it there were too many memories in there. I sold it and have never regretted doing it.

You do what is right for you.

MounjaroUser · 02/12/2024 15:48

I'd definitely move if in five years the money you spend now would be unimportant.

I know exactly what you mean about emotions being associated with places - I'd want to move in your position, but don't move impulsively.

UnrelatedTo · 02/12/2024 15:48

SleepToad · 02/12/2024 15:45

You don't need other people to validate your decision. If you want to move because of the association of where you were then move.

My dad always said I should keep the house I grew up in and rent it out. Mum died when I was 17 and dad had limited life expectancy and died when I was 24. I couldn't keep it there were too many memories in there. I sold it and have never regretted doing it.

You do what is right for you.

Exactly. If you want to, and can afford to, by all means moves for any reason.

The same way as you can end a relationship for any reason, regardless of whether your friends/mum/colleagues think he’s great.

Undisclosedlocation · 02/12/2024 15:53

You can of course move for any reason you choose and yours sounds like a pretty good reason tbh

I would (speaking from personal experience here) be careful however that you aren’t looking for external fixes to things such as self esteem issues or unhappy memories - those things will move with you and you may end up in a new home but with all the old feelings.

Tittibits · 02/12/2024 15:56

Reframe your mindset. This house represents your independence. Far stronger than the trauma must be the memories of your little girl growing up there. Maybe have it blessed or cleansed with sage to banish the bad vibes.

Clarinet1 · 02/12/2024 15:59

Undisclosedlocation · 02/12/2024 15:53

You can of course move for any reason you choose and yours sounds like a pretty good reason tbh

I would (speaking from personal experience here) be careful however that you aren’t looking for external fixes to things such as self esteem issues or unhappy memories - those things will move with you and you may end up in a new home but with all the old feelings.

💯 this - you can’t run away from your mind and feelings. I know it’s said a lot on MN but would some kind of therapy help you unpick the feelings? If you still felt the same after, say, a year or two maybe revisit the idea of moving.

Plastictrees · 02/12/2024 16:02

YANBU. Your home should be your sanctuary, if it is a reminder of trauma then that is a totally valid reason to move. If you can afford it, then why not? It could be healing for you to have a more positive moving experience and make the new place a fresh start.

Plastictrees · 02/12/2024 16:05

Undisclosedlocation · 02/12/2024 15:53

You can of course move for any reason you choose and yours sounds like a pretty good reason tbh

I would (speaking from personal experience here) be careful however that you aren’t looking for external fixes to things such as self esteem issues or unhappy memories - those things will move with you and you may end up in a new home but with all the old feelings.

This is a good point though. Be wary of changing the scenery and not the situation. The OPs situation does sound very different now though and living somewhere which triggers unhappy memories is very difficult.

allthatfalafel · 02/12/2024 16:10

I was in a similar situation and totally redecorated, I feel like it's "mine" now and he wouldn't recognise any of it.

BulbousFrog · 02/12/2024 16:19

I was in a similar situation and what I found helped me was to take the plunge and personally redecorate and move rooms or furniture around. Doing the DIY really helped my self esteem and I felt like the house was properly mine after that.

Good luck!

StripyShirt · 02/12/2024 16:29

Why not make that fresh start where you are?

Obviously, if that's too difficult just move, but do it at your leisure and make sure it's to somewhere that you really like.

TipsyKoala · 02/12/2024 16:59

I would worry that you move and you end us taking your trauma and feelings of low self-esteem with you. Maybe try working on that first? Moving is a huge upheaval and expenditure on something that may not solve your problems.

PicaK · 02/12/2024 17:03

Are you sure it's the house?
Only say this cos I felt exactly like you - rightmoving every day and convinced the house was the problem.
Turned out I was depressed (and exhausted). Now I'm pumped up on happy pills I've realised this is my house amd I love it.
Rule that out first and if it's not a factor then go for it. Happiness is something you can't put a value on

EmotionalSupportPotato · 02/12/2024 17:04

Of course it's reasonable. It's your house

mikado1 · 02/12/2024 17:16

The only reason not to move is if you were doing it for someone else. Best of luck OP.

sunshine244 · 02/12/2024 17:27

I wanted to move after ending my abusive marriage, but I had to stay in the marital home for various reasons.

I'm actually really glad I stayed. There's been various traumatic things that have happened over the last 5 years. Partly related to my ex and partly entirely unconnected. If I had moved once I think the same thing would have happened again. Whereas by staying I have redecorated, and made it my own. Counselling helped hugely too. As has refraining things - this is the house where I gained freedom and took control.

LizzieSiddal · 02/12/2024 17:34

We moved recently having spent 22(!!) years in a house I never really liked, however it was a very convenient location so stayed.
We moved 6 weeks ago and I’m so bloody happy! I can’t believe the difference it’s made to me, my Dd said the other day that she’s never known me to be so happy.
Go for it, life’s too short!

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2024 17:36

Move. I went through a bereavement and spent time immediately afterwards in a certain country with the family, sat discussing the funeral arrangements all week. I’ll never go back, yet others are inviting me. Just no way. I get what you mean, OP, move.

SometimesCalmPerson · 02/12/2024 17:39

You can move for any reason if you can afford it, but are you sure it’s what you want to do? The reality of moving with a 4yo is going to be stressful, and the stuff in your head that is bothering you will still be there wherever you live.

Do you feel like getting a new kitchen or redecorating all over might help you get a fresh start feeling? When we built our extension and did a bit of refurbishment it felt like a new house, and my memories looking back are very much before and after the building work, much like you’d feel in a new home in the same location.

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