Another chance or leave

[Onemoretimemaybe]

DH and I have had a big blow up. I feel we aren't on the same page, he says I have one foot out the door. I believe he has been emotionally abusive in past and I have tried to let it all go but I can't seem to let go of the resentment. We can't communicate and both feel like we walk on egg shells. He is saying he wants to do couples counselling but does that actually work? I feel we have both tried for a year and still not happy. He wants to give it another go with counselling but I am worried we will be in the same position in another year. I feel like he blames me for why we don't work as a team but doesn't accept his behaviour got us here in the first place. What do I do? YANBU - stick to leaving, YABU - give it another chance.

What happened regarding the perceived emotional abuse. Was there acknowledgement on his part? How did it get resolved?

Couples counselling absolutely can work but you have to be willing to try. It can also be used as a good way to mediate a separation.

Well, usually, I'd say the fact that he wants to go to couples counselling is not a bad thing, but its hard to say without knowing the backstory. I would say that whether or not you are right to still feel resentful or he is right to feeel you're not making an effort, finding a way to work through that together would be the ideal option.

I think couples therapy can work if both people truly love each other and really want to stay in the relationship and want to understand each other.

Be aware though that the therapist will focus on what's best for the relationship to work rather than on who is right or wrong. You both might need to adjust how you react to each other and it may be very uncomfortable to come at it from that way rather than "but can't he just see he is unreasonable". Sometimes this means that the person who is more open to change and more empathetic will be relied upon to make most of the changes, in order to make the relationship work. Even if that doesn't feel fair.
As said the focus is on the relationship and what communication style can help overcome your issues. Not about which individual is right or unreasonable.
If you feel you or he have individual trauma or problems that could be the root of the problem, then individual therapy for both of you might be better.

Essentially the question is what do you want now. Do you feel like you would prefer leaving him, or do you really want to make this relationship work and stay with him for better or worse?

Both answers are totally acceptable, but it's important that you do what is right for you and what you want.

It was during a specific life change that he became very critical on a daily basis. He has tried to be better in this respect and I have seen a change in the last year but I still feel that he twists events to make me seem selfish, gaslights me and also uses my past trauma against me. He tries to stop himself getting angry now but on the odd occasion will still snap at me. He has acknowledged specific examples were out of order but then justified why he said them. I am going to counselling alone and my counsellor has told me she thinks he is controlling and he has refused to go to individual counselling to deal with his own issues.

We are discussing the relationship today and for example, he told me that I am financially controlling because I chose to buy a few days extra holiday from work and it really hurt him. When I just wanted a few more days off next year as have a lot of commitments that are using holidays up and could afford it.

I would probably make him attending individual therapy a condition of you attending together.

Ultimately though, do you want to save the relationship or is he right that you have checked out?

This is what I am trying to figure out if I have just checked out. A big part of me loves him but I'm not sure I can move past all the hurt and I know that all of my friends and family think i should leave which makes me feel like sod this I just want to leave. I have tried for over a year to make things work and not think about leaving but I always end up back here after he snaps at me etc. Maybe it is partly that I don't want to accept that I have to change, I'm not sure.

From your update it sounds like he is twisting the facts and using big words to make you sound bad and abusive when you are doing nothing wrong.
Financial abuse would be, you withholding the financial household situation from him or controlling his money without his input or not allowing him to use his money reasonably.

However much you earn and however many holidays you buy, so long you can afford it, is the furthest from financial abuse.
Even if you couldn't afford it, then he would be in his right to be annoyed about the household being in debt or something, but it still wouldn't be financial abuse!

It does sound like he is rather unwilling to change.

What are his good sides. Do you love him. Can you envision your future with him?

he told me that I am financially controlling because I chose to buy a few days extra holiday from work and it really hurt him.

Eh? What’s the logic here? Unless you’re asking him to pay you the equivalent wages, or you’re then claiming not to be able to afford something important why does this have anything to to do with him? Your holiday, your decision, your salary. It’s not financially controlling to make personal decisions about your own finances unless it starts having an impact on other people which they haven’t agreed to.

We are discussing the relationship today and for example, he told me that I am financially controlling because I chose to buy a few days extra holiday from work and it really hurt him. When I just wanted a few more days off next year as have a lot of commitments that are using holidays up and could afford it.

Now, interestingly, I think if DH bought more holiday without discussing it with me, I'd be a bit irritated simply because it's quite a big thing, has financial implications etc. But.... I wouldn't actually be anti him buying some more holiday (if we can afford it) and, more importantly, I am struggling to see how you not doing it is financially controlling or why it "hurts" him. that feels like he's trying to lay on the guilt extra thick.

So from this ONE example, I'd think you both have work to do.

I did tell him that I was thinking about it at the time and he never objected to it. He only brought up today and that it impacts him but we don't share our salaries. We put x amount into the joint account monthly and do what we like with the rest.

I often feel we make decisions like when we purchased our new sofa and he will then later say that I forced him into spending more or buying something when we perhaps shouldn't have but these things are never brought up at the time. I think the way we communicate needs to completely change really but just not sure if I trust him enough. Or if I am giving up too easily I don't know.

I'd call that gaslighting then, not miscommunication. Maybe resentment too?

The fact that all your family and friends, so people who see how you function irl are all saying you should leave speaks volumes.

Yes think a lot of resentment on both sides

He sounds like a manchild who can't take responsibility for his own behaviour and so blames you for everything. Unless he's prepared to accept that he bears some fault, you'll not fix it. There's some kind of powerplay going on here too, I suspect. Making it all your fault makes him feel better about himself. My abusive ex was perfect too.

But if you still plan on putting your share into the joint account on the months you’re taking the additional leave precisely how does it hurt him? Has he explained that?

If my partner was buying extra leave but then wanting to contribute less, or saying we couldn’t have a holiday because he can’t pay his share I might be a bit pissed off and ask that we discuss it next time but if he would prefer to take the leave we’d have to reach an agreement. Plus it’s not financially controlling even then, it’s just not pulling one’s weight.

He sounds like a PITA who just wants everyone to do what he wants or he whines about it. Plus he has absolutely no idea of what real financial control is.

Do you want to stay with dp? If yes, then give couples counselling a try. If no, then it's time to leave. Sooner rather than later. Good luck!