If your friend was in this situation?

[H0TSUB]

My friend has two daughters. One is now non binary and changed name to a boys name and the other is in hospital with anorexia. They are 19 and 17.
I thought they were a really happy family, lots of friends and the mum and dad are both really lovely. Kids always seemed happy and they did lots together and seemed very loving family.

Now I'm wondering how they've ended up with these children with huge issues, the non binary one is autistic. Both very bright kids too. Would you assume they've had some trauma?

Exactly.

Educate yourself before you speak to you friend, OP.

I would assume that someone else in the family is autistic, and that being autistic leads to a higher likelihood of having both an eating disorder and gender dysphoria.

Autism doesn't come from trauma - but there is a large number of autistic teens/adults who identify as trans/ non binary.

Eating disorders can be the result of undiagnosed neurodiversity and if one teen is autistic there's a greater chance the other one is.

I'd support my friend anyway. Not assume anything but be there is they disclose anything in future.

Speculating about your friend's children's potential trauma is really mean ☹️ are you asking because you want to gossip about them? I hope your friend has kinder people in her life.

I’d assume both children are autistic. Girls are very good at masking, and remaining undiagnosed.

The eating disorders, gender confusion, depression and anxiety are exacerbated by not being understood, not fitting in, and not feeling “normal”. And there is a very strong genetic link, so parents prob also have traits.

Isn’t this why the OP has asked on here?

I’m not reading this as judgemental. It’s not judgment to ask what could underly such a set of circumstances.

Sounds really tough.

OP I think your assumptions are very strange!
I have several MH diagnoses, had issues with disordered eating as a teen, I have a DC who is very likely ND, early days in the referral route.
I really hope that you don't share these 'assumptions' with your friends & try to be supportive. I'm not sure why you feel the need to know the causes, idle curiosity, your own trauma memories or to genuinely find a tactful way to support. However, IMHO your post comes across as nosy.

You are not a friend.

So you think it must be somehow your friend's fault?

I have two DC, both struggling with life at the moment. One diagnosed ND, one not (yet)
Until a year or two ago most of my friends didn't know either had any issues, until some things became glaringly obvious.
I'd hate to think any of my friends think my children have been traumatised because the "problems" came seemingly out of the blue.

They aren't but can be. Autism and gender dysphoria is connected. You're born with autism so no trauma can be "blamed" for this. Lots of young and older women have eating disorders. I would not think of trauma at first rather societal expectations, social media and friends influence. Look at the two actresses in "Wicked". They seem to have become anorexic at the same time. So peer pressure can be negative as well.

We don't know the how or why and we might never know. All you can do is to support your friend because she must be going through hell and feel guilty for not being able to help her daughter (who's got anorexia). So don't try to pry in to why, just be an empathetic ear, listen but don't judge. She needs support so that she can support her daughter.

There does seem to be a link between being ND and gender identity issues and/or eating disorders.
Tends to be genetic rather than trauma based

My daughter had anorexia for 8 years with several in-patient admissions.

Some people's reactions were thoughtless and upsetting eg when I told a particular person (who until that moment I had thought of as a friend) she said:
"Really? What's wrong with your family?"
Be careful what you say to your friend. If you are tactless you will hurt her and she will not forget.

This post makes me feel uncomfortable. It makes me feel like you're a gossip OP.

Just support the poor woman. I hope you don't talk like this to common friends or acquaintances. It's the last thing she needs.

These sound like co morbidities / gender dysphoria associated with being Autistic as pp have said.

No. I would just feel sympathy fir her and try and help as much as possible.

Trauma can be from school. A non binary identity can come from trying to find a welcoming tribe.

I would be wondering whether the children may be ND. I believe that some people now think that there can be some genetic link for ND (so having several ND individuals in one family is not that unusual). ND girls tend to present differently from ND boys so often don't show what is commonly considered to be typical signs and also often mask more convincingly. It's fairly common for girls to be diagnosed quite late in life. Even if the teens are not ND, I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that there must be some hidden trauma/bad parenting. I had a friend who suffered with poor mental health for most of her life (eventually taking her own life). She had no trauma (lovely childhood, lots of friends, wonderful husband and children, no financial worries etc). She just had an illness and nothing in her personal life could have changed that.

The OP states the non-binary 'child' has ASD

OP - I'd be offering support, not judging if they've had trauma or not.

I used to work in the eating disorder unit of GOS. They used to work with the families too as there is often some family support stem dysfunction that can result in a child trying to take control in this way.

I would say both kids are ND. Autism/gender dysphoria/eating disorders are very commonly comorbid.

What a shame this is your true feelings about us. We thought you were our friends.