AIBU to find it hard to plan things for my pregnant friend right now?

[JessoA]

Long post, sorry in advance...

A little background: I have been undergoing IVF for the past few years, plus two years of infertility before that. I have been through 5 cycles, transferred and lost 5 embryos and have never been pregnant. After the 4th cycle I needed a year and a half to recover emotionally. I recently underwent the latest cycle where we transferred 2 embryos but sadly neither implanted. I've been very open about our struggles and my friends know our history minus the last round, which just felt too high pressure to share with anyone when it was happening and now is one of those things I don't know how to bring up.

In October, my friend told me over dinner in public that she was 10 weeks pregnant (unplanned). I wish she'd thought to tell me over the phone while I was at home so I could process this privately, but I brushed it off as I knew nothing malicious was meant, and I tried my best to appear excited for her as she went on about the pregnancy for the next two hours. A couple of weeks after this she texted me out of the blue to tell me about her first ultrasound, saying that the baby was doing somersaults and telling me she was crying with joy in the exam room. I hate the word 'trigger', but this really stung me as I've had some really horrible, sad scans and just the idea of one stresses me out. Other times that we've met up over the past two months, she's complained to me about not being able to drink and has actually told me she's had a glass of wine on a couple of occasions. She's also told me that she's gone to a sauna. I know it's her pregnancy and her choices, but this again riles me, as someone who has done everything 'right', who is extra cautious during the weeks of each IVF treatment, and is met with failure and loss each time.

I'm not good with broaching hard conversations, and I think I would have quietly pulled away from this friend during this time were it not for the fact she's now getting married this weekend. She and her fiance decided on an intimate shotgun wedding about 6 weeks ago and I was asked to be a bridesmaid, which I accepted. They will also be having a big reception in Italy next year after the baby arrives. I've done my best to be helpful - I'm making her bouquet and arranging flowers, I'm giving a reading, and I offered her my veil as her something borrowed so she wouldn't have to spend money on a new one. Meanwhile I have been quietly hurting and trying to recover from my last cycle as well as dealing with the usual job and life stress, plus Christmas planning.

Thoughts of a hen do did cross my mind, but as I've been struggling being around her generally, I wasn't feeling motivated to take the reins and was hoping another friend would do it. I don't know for sure that I'm the only bridesmaid (the wedding plans haven't been particularly clear or well communicated), but I assume I'm not - her best friend from uni lives in the same part of London as us and will be there this weekend, plus she has a best friend back home and a sister. But nobody has reached out and as far as I know none of them have contributed anything to this wedding. Then last night her fiance texted me to ask if I could plan something for before they leave for the wedding in three days' time. I said no, that wouldn't be possible, but now I feel a bit shamed by him as he mentioned his best man threw a mini stag for him on Sunday.

I'm really trying to do my best but neither of them seems to have considered that this is a hard scenario for me. At the same time I acknowledge that I said yes to being a bridesmaid, and that I haven't shared with them that I'm struggling. At first I just didn't want to spoil their happiness, and now it's too close to the wedding to say something. I've told him I'll reach out to her close friends to organise something before their big party next year, but I can't shake this feeling that I've disappointed the two of them. I want to ask 'Why me?' I'm not her closest friend. I think I'm just being relied on for wedding admin because I'm the only organised person in her life and the only one who's already married. I haven't spent much time with her other friends to know who to even reach out to.

I really don't want to be in a position next spring where I'm being expected to throw a baby shower. I love her but we're not the level of friend where I would expect that from her if the tables were turned, and I'm not sure I'd even have it in me to attend one. How do I communicate that and avoid this situation happening again? And how can I ask her kindly to not tell me pregnancy details unless I ask?

Part of me just wants to get through this wedding and then hide away and hope they get the message, but I know that's not the right way to go about it. How would you handle it?

YABU - You should have planned a hen do
YANBU - It's OK to pull back from this friendship

Pull back

She doesn't sound very sensitive

She hasn't actually asked you to organise her hen do.

She has other bridesmaids.

Leave it.

She really hasn't been very sensitive and, regardless, you have to put yourself first

Well done for saying no!

That sounds so hard @JessoA I think you have done incredibly well tbh with what you've done so far. Lots of people would struggle to be so generous in the same situation. Please don't beat yourself up over what you haven't done when you've already done a lot

You've done more than enough and you sound like a very good friend - possibly too good.
Don't communicate anything about the baby shower right now. She hasn't asked you, and I'd certainly hope that she'd have the awareness not to. If she does... Well...

Yanbu. It doesn't matter if they're disappointed in you for not sorting something - you're disappointed in your friend for her insensitivity and I think that is more pertinent here. It's not your problem: look at it that they have plenty of joyful things to focus on at the moment; whereas you're going through a tough time. Friendship means she'll understand and appreciate this, at least when she can reflect on the situation if not now.
Be kind to yourself x x x

Gosh I’m sorry, this is not a nice position to be in.
You sound like a lovely friend and you deserve such friendship back.
It does sound like your friend is being a bit insensitive about her pregnancy, possibly she just doesn’t know what level of information you want. You could always try to communicate that to her - just reiterate that you are happy for her but that you are also sad for your own situation and it’s sometimes hard to hear pregnancy things. It’s a fine balance to reach.
100% don’t throw her a baby shower. It sounds like she has enough other friends to organise it. If you’re asked just say again that you would like to attend but to be actively involved in organising it would be too hard. It’s entirely possibly to be so happy for your friend whilst being sad for yourself, and others should be able to understand this.
I wouldn’t stress about the hen do. They’ve decided to get married really quickly, and to expect everyone else to jump up and organise a load of stuff isn’t reasonable. You don’t have the capacity to deal with it, so don’t. Just because the best man organised something doesn’t mean you’re able to. Everyone has different lives.
If I were you I’d personally pull back from the friendship a little. If you feel like it’s worth explaining the more recent situation to her for her to understand how you’re feeling then that’s fine. If you don’t want to explain it then don’t. But protect yourself, make boundaries and stick to them.

They’ve decided to get married really quickly, and to expect everyone else to jump up and organise a load of stuff isn’t reasonable.

This. If you decide to have a last minute wedding, that's your choice but you can't then expect to get all the things that happen when the date is planned a year in advance.

Does she know the full story of your treatment and your losses? If so all the pregnancy texts seem insensitive to say the least. I had friends who wanted children who I did not share my pregnancy updates with for this reason. It shouldn't be hard to do.

You don’t sound like the closest friends from what you have said so I’d suggest pulling yourself back and not doing anything which is going to upset you.

I fell pregnant shortly after one of my close friends did. She unfortunately lost her baby and I refused to have a baby shower and kept everything baby related away from her. She was incredibly gracious and said I didn’t need to do this but I felt so guilty. I’m surprised by the way your friend has treated you.

You are being unreasonable judging her for having a couple of glasses of wine and going to a sauna given there's no real evidence this is harmful and you make it sound like she's less deserving of a baby because of this. I had two babies via IVF and still did those things (I also didn't do anything different or restrictive during any of my IVF cycles - it's really not going to impact the outcome in the vast majority of cases but each to their own based on your own risk assessment). But otherwise, she doesn't sound like a good friend not realising the impact it must have on you, and you're definitely not being unreasonable for not organising her hen - I would consider how much the friendship is worth it for you but if too difficult in light of your struggles then step back as it's only going to become more difficult after the baby is born.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I've been feeling a bit ashamed to be feeling this way, so thank you for letting me know it's normal. I do think my friend would be understanding if I'd said something, but I haven't known how to tell her I don't want to be around her pregnancy right now or hear the things she's telling me.

Oh, I don't think she's less deserving of a baby at all. I think it just highlights that we have very different feelings towards those risks. I'm aware it's judgemental of me to feel she shouldn't be doing those things, and I would never tell her what to do or not do. I guess it's just that hearing about them brings up my anxieties and fears.

Yes, she's aware, and knows that I struggled with my mental health after the fourth round, although I've not got into as much detail with her as I have with a few closer friends.

I'd back off from her.

You sound like a wonderful friend and she sounds quite thoughtless. I would text back the fiance and say that on reflection you actually don't think you are the best person to organise it as you are having a bit of a difficult time at the moment for personal reasons (you don't have to explain why but if you want to you could add you may be doing more ivf and don't know the timings yet so can't commit to anything as that would have to take priority). Therefore, you think it would make sense for another friend to take the lead on organising any hen do. You can add that you were touched to be a bridesmaid and are glad you've been able to help her with the wedding and are looking forward to the celebrations.

Next time she mentions the pregnancy when it is just the two of you (either in person or slack), I'd also say that you are so thrilled for her but you are struggling with infertility at the moment so are finding it hard to hear details at this time.

You have done more than enough considering how crashingly insensitive she has been.

It's a shitty situation for you. In the last two years I've had two miscarriages, and last year my two beautiful twin boys died at birth. Born sleeping and my other twin only lived for three days. Everyone around me at the time was either pregnant or had just had a baby and bizarrely people thought throwing their baby into my arms or going on about being pregnant would somehow cure me. I completely can see how hurt you are. Definitely step away this time. I'm also wishing you so much peace and success going forward. It's a horrific journey.

Wow. That is truly awful. The mind boggles.

This

Say how much you appreciate the honour of being asked but that you don't feel in the right place to give her the experience she deserves.

It sounds as if they just do not think beyond you, knowing that you are (usually) good at organising things.

I'd also consider stepping back from your bridesmaid duties. You can change your mind about that, they way they are treating you there would be no shame in saying it's only fair for the bride to have the best experience and that is beyond you at the moment.

Then ... breathe and look after yourself. All the best.

@Ella31 wow, I can't believe the people around you thought that would help. I'm so sorry for what you've had to go through. You must be incredibly strong ❤️

Thank you @Onelifeonly22 @FinallyHere That plan feels right to me. I want to be sympathetic to my friend and for her to have the wedding she's dreaming of, but I don't think I can be the one expected to make it happen for her. She is a good person and I do think all the insensitivity comes from an innocent place.

As are you and it's totally ok to take a step back from this. Wishing you so much positivity 🥰🥰