To think we can't keep going on like this??

[Cornishpasty1977]

I honestly don't know how everyone does it, and really need some help here. My partner and I split 6 months ago, not married but together for ten years with 1ds (8). My son lives with me as ex has moved in with his parents in London, and has been seeing ds ad-hoc agreed by whatsapp. We are back and forth with solicitors to agree long term solution. But he wants to keep things as they are agreeing a month or so in advance by whatsapp. I honestly can't do it anymore, every contact with him is triggering, I can't plan anything and my ds is confused about where he going and when. I've sent solicitor letters but they are responding just saying he can't agree longer than month ahead cos of his shifts. AIBU this is completing unreasonable??? Surely the norm is an agreed pattern. What the hell do I do to avoid court??

I’m afraid you can’t make him plan or organise things but you can say that your child is avaliable on x dates at x times.

Sounds awful. You and your son need consistency. Your ex should surely need to arrange cover (his parents?) if he's on shift whilst your son is staying there. Or he needs to apply for flexi working to fit in with being a single parent.

It makes sense to organise childcare around his shifts. There’s no point DS going there and not seeing him.

I get that it’s upsetting to have to stay in communication with an ex though.

Keep communication to once a month when the new rosters come out. Agree everything for the duration.

I think a lot depends on how reliable and succinct his communications are. And whether he supports his child otherwise. Is what is bothering you that he has dipped out of everything but utterly random visits?

Why fear court? What amount if contact and support for you eant? Would court irder it? Can you shift communication to one of those scheduling apps that take the personality and spontaneity out if communications?

I have a similar situation as my sons dad lives in cloud cuckoo land, switching jobs and moving from shared house to woman’s house to shared house etc.

My son doesn’t stay over with him anymore as I don’t allow it (used too when he lived with a stable partner but they recently split)

He just thinks he can text and pick him up whenever he wants and is currently hinting at coming here for Christmas (not going to happen),

I completely understand the frustration you have and I would love nothing more than him to sort his life out and set a schedule.

My only advice is to set good boundaries and don’t let him take the piss. It’s hard and I feel for you

Thanks everyone. Id like to avoid court because of the expense and it seems so needless. We both are happy with him seeing ds EOW, plus hols. But what he wants is no agreement to times or dates! Just to decide every week or two what suits him. But I've not been able to agree Xmas yet, and it will be the same at half term and Summer, last minute arrangements that suits him. But surely if we go to court he will be ordered eg EOW and that's it set in stone, if he's working he needs to sort childcare (like I have to)?