Resenting DH after baby

[Tired887]

I know I'm unreasonable but I just need a rant. We have a 3 month old and I just resent him so much. His life just hasn't changed one bit. Sure, he goes out less. He still goes out once a week. He gets to opt out of parenting when he's tired. His body is intact. He gets to sleep a lot more than me and to exercise. He has his dinner hot whereas I often have mine cold as I'm tending to the baby (this part really fucking gets me, he won't stop eating or eat faster if baby is whining, wtf?!)

I'm so incredibly sleep deprived, I'm in pain constantly (thank you pregnancy), I'm fat and too tired to do anything about it, breastfeeding is making me feel like a dairy cow, I'm exhausted and overstimulated.

I have zero help. No family around at all. So it's me and baby 24/7 and I just wish someone could come give me an afternoon off. Just an afternoon to be myself, watch TV, eat a snack, have a glass of wine.

I tried to make DH responsible for baby for an afternoon to give me a break but he's not 100% on it. He'll let baby whine too long etc. So i can't have a break because I don't feel I can step away entirely. I'm the primary caregiver and he can't give me this for even an hour. The only way is for me to leave the house so i don't have to witness his lazy parenting but I don't want to constantly have to leave the house for a break. It's tiring. I'm tired.

OP I know you feel vulnerable but you need to put your foot down because you're exhausted.

I would have an open conversation with him and spell out how you feel and how you want things to change.

You need a break so leave the baby with him and get out of the house.Take your laptop to a cafe, go and see a film, meet a friend do anything and get out. Alternatively tell him you're going to bed early and hand things over to him.

He'll never learn how to look after his own child if he doesn't get the practice. He needs to pull his weight regarding chores, so hand over some to him.

Take it in turns to deal with the baby when she needs tending to. He decided to become a father so he can pull his finger out.

As they say on MN you have a DH problem. You are entirely entirely reasonable to resent your DH.
Why does he get to go out and you don’t?
Please make sure he looks after the baby and then get out of the house (so you don’t have to listen to the whining). He will figure it out but you have to let him. At least he’ll appreciate how hard it is.

As you said, he’s a lazy parent. It’s one of the most pathetic things there is- presumably DH chose to have this baby. It’s his baby. Not stepping up to parent the baby just because he has a penis is absurd. I would be having a conversation, and setting out some boundaries sooner rather than later.

So sorry you don't have the support you need. I know it won't help now but it does get easier as they get a bit older.

It doesn't sound like anything you say will make your partner change his ways. Could you write down how you're feeling for him to read?
Or direct him to the la leche league info https://laleche.org.uk/supporting-a-breastfeeding-mother/... again if you telling him yourself you need more help hasn't worked this may be unlikely to get him to see sense.

Is there any way you could get a cleaner to help once every couple of weeks?

For exhaustion whilst breastfeeding i found setting up the bed to bed share (following safe sleep 7) was the best thing I did - i was feeling so unwell before i could bed share safely/confidently). Appreciate it may not be for everyone.

Are there any local groups you could get to to meet other mum's? Or even just to have a change of scene. Same as making yourself go out for a walk with baby every day.

Does he expect you to do all the housework as well?

Do you have a sling or carrier to put baby in? I found it helped keep baby asleep longer so i could get things done, or even just sit and watch a full tv programme before they needed me again. Your partner could also wear baby which would help him get confidence settling baby and he could take baby for a walk that way to give you a break, if he were to try going straight after you've breastfed baby it would be ideal.

Tell him to take the baby out for two hours (or as long as baby will be comfortable between feeds)

Surely he has friends/family/workmates who would love to see baby.

That way you get to sleep properly in your own bed. And you need to take it in turns to eat first.

I am 100% aware I have a DH problem. At least if I had a mum.or auntie around to come give me a break, it would be less obvious maybe.

We have had the chats and the arguments. He either gives me the silent treatment or improves for 24 hours.

We can't bedshare, I need to sleep on a very very soft mattress because of an old injury.

He doesn't expect me to do housework but then he doesn't do it either. So we just live in a very very messy house. I do get a cleaner in but I hate it as I have to find ways to entertain baby in different rooms for 5 hours while the cleaner is here. Plus I need to tidy before the cleaner comes so I haven't bothered in the last few months.

And if you want him to look after the baby then you have to allow him to do so. If the baby whines don't just jump in. Tell him to go for a walk, get him out of the house. Then do something relaxing.

I resent your DH too and I’m not married to him!

You are not being remotely unreasonable, breastfeeding and caring for a small baby all day everyday alone is exhausting. He needs to step up!

You also need to not be a martyr - if she’s whinging and you’ve both just sat down with your dinner, start eating and tell him ‘you need to pick up baby, I need to eat before I feed her’ or whatever. Likewise ‘here you go, have a cuddle, I need a shower and a lie down’. Don’t ask permission, he’s a parent too!

I like someone’s suggestion of him taking her for a walk - even an hour alone at home would be a start. Feed her, he takes her out and you should hopefully get a little chunk of time before you’re needed again. It is relentless but I do promise it does ease and change as they get older.

Oh my god get a cleaner! Best thing I did for my marriage, I’m not exaggerating. Yes I have to tidy before she comes (2h every Thursday) but I also don’t have to mop the floors and clean the bathrooms (a job I detest). It’s saved a lot of arguments, a weekly blitz/hide of the crap and then getting a lovely clean house for a bit is a godsend!

@OrangeSlices998 I thought it would get easier by 3 months. But it hasn't, if anything he sleeps less than when he was 8 weeks old😪

You also need to not be a martyr - if she’s whinging and you’ve both just sat down with your dinner, start eating and tell him ‘you need to pick up baby, I need to eat before I feed her’ or whatever.

I do. He'll either sigh and get up. Or say it's fine, he needs to learn we can't always pick him up and let him whine. How a person can enjoy and slowly eat their dinner while a baby is whining next to them, I don't know.

Are you doing the cooking? If so, don't make him any dinner, then he can't eat slowly and ignore the baby. Obviously, he can still ignore the baby, but at least he won't be enjoying his dinner while he is doing it. He sounds absolutely horrible tbh. He doesn't seem to have any parenting instincts at all.

Would you feel better as a single parent? At least you wouldn't have any expectations and be constantly disappointed.

This And learn to finish your meal even if baby is whining a bit.

I used to just hand mine over to DH when he came home! Here is your DC, have him while I have a shower / go for a walk / have a swim etc. I'm not saying he wouldn't off his own bat but I was firm in not giving him the choice!

Choose an evening a week and go out by yourself. Anywhere!

There are some exercise classes where you can take baby too. I used to go trampolining.

And I love hiding in the bath, get some earplugs so you can switch off and can't hear baby whining with dad.

He probably won't help with baby when you're eating because he knows you will.

You can attach a cot to the side of your bed so it's like co-sleeping. Just bolt it together so you don't get a gap between mattresses. And you can get a sleeping bag for you so no risk of blankets covering baby.

@Makingchocolatecake yes, we have a next 2 me cot. Not sure how that is meant to help with breastfeeding and exhaustion, it's just slightly closer than a self standing cot, I still need to sit up and pick him up etc.

Not a next 2 me, an actual cot so your bed comes an L shape and you just pull them closer and feed laying down.

Or express milk and tell dh you're off duty on weekend nights and refuse to do night feeds.

Babies are very hard work OP
Don't beat yourself up for feeling as you do.
Some people have lots of support from family which makes a huge difference.
I hope things are slightly easier.
Hope you have been in contact with parents of babies?
Playgroups etc
Take care