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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please talk me down....

21 replies

Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 19:56

Background; I'm 2 years free of my abusive exH. I have an order against him so that he can't come near me. He hasn't seen our 2 DC since April and I've had to field questions from our eldest about why she's not seeing him as well as dealing with all her conflicted emotions. Thankfully youngest DC is oblivious and has probably forgotten him as he was 2 when we left and contact has been very sporadic before it stopped altogether months ago. I am not blocking contact, he just needs to sort it and he'd rather do drugs etc.
He was paying an amount he suggested and had been paying on time until July when I recieved it late (beginning of Aug) and since then not a penny or word (via solicitors) from him. To put it bluntly I'm now struggling financially but of course as us mams do I'm making it work and going without food etc to make sure our DC have all they need.
In general I have lost all but a couple of friends as they all believe his shite that he's a victim and has done no wrong.

The issue; I have found out that in the past 24hrs he's been posting all over Facebook to warn women of a violent man who has beaten up a woman. He's also made comments about how vile this man is not just because of the violence but that he has left the mother(s) of his children with no money.
I really really want to post a comment pointing out he has also left the mother of his children without money and that does he think because he didn't break my bones and leave bruises where others can see them does this mean he's not as bad?
I'm ok with him posting warning women about this other man as he truly is a vile piece of shit and women should be warned but him making comments as if he's the greatest man/husband/father to have ever lived is really boiling my piss!!!!!!!!

AIBU don't do it it's not worth it and you don't want him to know you can see his posts

YANBU do it, the world should know he's scum and you have kept quiet for too many years as it is!!

OP posts:
AloneLike · 01/12/2024 19:58

For your own safety, don't.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 01/12/2024 19:58

Don't poke the bear @Deadbeatex

LeavesOnTrees · 01/12/2024 20:01

Definitely don't!

hamstersarse · 01/12/2024 20:03

delete Facebook and get on with your life

do not post your comment

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 20:04

I really feel for you. I mean I know exactly what you mean. But you have to leave it. No good will come. You might get a very temporary wave of a feeling of justice, but I bet you'll soon wish you hadn't. It won't make him change his ways and if he finds out he'll need to get revenge. All this is just energy, and he might even have intended for you to see it and he knows it will trigger you. They all play this game in one way or another. Trust me, your reaction won't help anyone. Feel free to let off more steam in here if it will help though.

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 20:06

Also, you'd be surprised how many people either won't believe you or just won't care. And that won't help you either.

StrongandNorthern · 01/12/2024 20:07

No. Just leave well alone and stay safe.

StormingNorman · 01/12/2024 20:07

Don’t get involved re social media.

Re your eldest: “Daddy isn’t well at the moment. He’ll be in touch when he’s feeling better”.

Unwell is obviously the alcohol addiction and depending on age you can expand. Try to keep it neutral for your DC. No matter how much you’d like them to know what he’s “really like”. They’ll see for themselves as they get older.

Dotto · 01/12/2024 20:08

You have to keep your side of the street clean, you just have to.

Don't give him any satisfaction that he gets to you

arabellacanella · 01/12/2024 20:11

I wouldn't do it. I know you want people to know what a vile, horrible man he is but it will only come back on you.

He knows deep inside what's he has done to you and how shit of a person he is.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/12/2024 20:11

Do not engage with him in any way. I understand it’s tempting, but it could backfire massively. Staying off his radar is the best way of keeping you and your children safe.

Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:20

Thank you to those who have replied so far, I'm just so sick of biting my tongue! I have said exactly that to my eldest DC @StormingNorman that daddy isn't making good choices at the moment. I have never and will never tell them the truth (at least until they are adults and probably not the full truth even then)
It's just beyond frustrating that everyone thinks he's great when I'm sat here worrying how to get the kids new shoes etc. I expect he will sweep in at Christmas and drop off a load of presents (via solicitors he's not allowed to come here) and get on like he's a brilliant dad and be saying how sad he is that I'm "stopping" him seeing his DC at Christmas, I'm not!! It just has to be done safely and HE needs to make the arrangements and he can't be arsed!!!!

OP posts:
Heronwatcher · 01/12/2024 20:22

Don’t do it.

Channel your energy into getting in touch with the CSA etc so that the twat can’t get out of paying again. Next time he asks for contact tell him he’ll have to take you to court and/ or organise supervised contact at a contact centre as the kids have forgotten who he is.

Sad for the kids but sounds like the less they see of him the better.

Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:27

Heronwatcher · 01/12/2024 20:22

Don’t do it.

Channel your energy into getting in touch with the CSA etc so that the twat can’t get out of paying again. Next time he asks for contact tell him he’ll have to take you to court and/ or organise supervised contact at a contact centre as the kids have forgotten who he is.

Sad for the kids but sounds like the less they see of him the better.

Csa would be pennies and that's exactly what he needs to do in regards to contact. I took him to court to arrange it and he didn't bother to show up so it was thrown out. It now needs to be contact centre because of the drugs and he needs to "prove" consistency as hes let them down so many times before

OP posts:
Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:31

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 20:04

I really feel for you. I mean I know exactly what you mean. But you have to leave it. No good will come. You might get a very temporary wave of a feeling of justice, but I bet you'll soon wish you hadn't. It won't make him change his ways and if he finds out he'll need to get revenge. All this is just energy, and he might even have intended for you to see it and he knows it will trigger you. They all play this game in one way or another. Trust me, your reaction won't help anyone. Feel free to let off more steam in here if it will help though.

He's no idea I will have seen it but I agree I'll get that temporary feeling of justice and then I'll have to deal with the fallout, I'm just debating if the fallout will be worth it!
I kept quiet for years, I kept quiet when I left, I kept quiet when I lost friendships due to the fictional narrative he's spun so he's the victim, I'm sick of keeping quiet!
Sorry you did say to vent on here and it is helping a wee bit lol

OP posts:
Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:31

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 01/12/2024 19:58

Don't poke the bear @Deadbeatex

I'm feeling like the bear that's been poked though and I really want to poke back

OP posts:
Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:33

hamstersarse · 01/12/2024 20:03

delete Facebook and get on with your life

do not post your comment

I'm seriously considering doing this, I'm barely go on it anyway and the way this has riled me isn't worth the good points of having it

OP posts:
Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 21:11

Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:20

Thank you to those who have replied so far, I'm just so sick of biting my tongue! I have said exactly that to my eldest DC @StormingNorman that daddy isn't making good choices at the moment. I have never and will never tell them the truth (at least until they are adults and probably not the full truth even then)
It's just beyond frustrating that everyone thinks he's great when I'm sat here worrying how to get the kids new shoes etc. I expect he will sweep in at Christmas and drop off a load of presents (via solicitors he's not allowed to come here) and get on like he's a brilliant dad and be saying how sad he is that I'm "stopping" him seeing his DC at Christmas, I'm not!! It just has to be done safely and HE needs to make the arrangements and he can't be arsed!!!!

The kids will see through it in time. Honestly. You have to be the grown up for now and keep biting your tongue. There are people who seem who roll in shit and always come up smelling of roses; it's just enraging. But also know they are NOT living their best life. They are sad, miserable cretins with a big black hole where their hearts should be. They'll have plenty of superficial friends who can do things for them, but nothing of substance. You, on the other hand, got your second chance to live your best life. Take your focus off him (again; it's energy) and put that energy into something that your future self will thank you for. You got this.

Proseccoh · 01/12/2024 21:13

Deadbeatex · 01/12/2024 20:31

He's no idea I will have seen it but I agree I'll get that temporary feeling of justice and then I'll have to deal with the fallout, I'm just debating if the fallout will be worth it!
I kept quiet for years, I kept quiet when I left, I kept quiet when I lost friendships due to the fictional narrative he's spun so he's the victim, I'm sick of keeping quiet!
Sorry you did say to vent on here and it is helping a wee bit lol

Keep venting!

Deadbeatex · 02/12/2024 08:16

After a sleep I'm calmer and I won't post but I do intend to be more vocal in future to people we both know about the current situation. Thanks for talking me down last night x

OP posts:
romdowa · 02/12/2024 08:31

Right now is not the time to have your say but you won't always have small children and be so vunerable. Bide your time and just keep telling yourself not yet! He will always be scum so there's no rush

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