Step kids and discipline

[OneWorthyEagle]

My husband and I have a blended household - his child plus my two children. In the run up to Christmas I wanted to take all the kids for a treat and said I’d pay for everyone to go. He wasn’t 100% keen as he said he’d spotted a bad review, but then one night my eldest moaned about doing his chores and my husband just declared that the Christmas treat was now cancelled. We’ve spent days arguing about it and got no further than him saying he just doesn’t want to go, so now he won’t go because he’s fed up of my child moaning about his chores, but he doesn’t see it as a punishment because he wasn’t keen in the first place. I agree that the moaning about the chores is annoying and I’ve disciplined my child for it, but I think cancelling a Christmas treat as a snap punishment is really unreasonable. Added to that is the fact that my husband’s child has behaved poorly all weekend and it’s not been a problem. His child was given money to spend at a school fundraiser but chose not to spend anything and pocket the cash instead (they did want sweets at the fundraiser when it didn’t come out of the money they were given). His child has been moody, rude, sulked because they didn’t get McDonald’s for dinner, and it was all brushed off as them just being cheeky. It only seems to be a problem when it’s my child misbehaving, even though my child is 3 years younger. I don’t have the energy to have another argument about it but I’m feeling pretty hacked off that a treat I offered to pay for has been canned because my child misbehaved, when his child’s misbehaviour goes unchecked. Am I being unreasonable?

Time to stand up for your child, who will have noticed how differently the other two are being treated to him

i would just take yours and let your husband deal with the fallout of his kids

I would just take my kids without him. Not very "blended family" but it's his shitty attitude that's preventing that from working.

Longer term - do you want to continue in an environment where your children are treated unfairly?

Disney Dad alert

@OneWorthyEagle so your other dc, who has done nothing wrong, is also going to miss out? Lovely. What has you delightful ’partner’ got to say about that? Why is HIS word law and yours isn’t? If he doesn’t want to go with you for this Xmas treat, go without him. It seems his rules for his kid, his rules for yours too? Nah.

Why is he controlling you all like this? He's not in charge! Fuck him. Take whoever you like.

YANBU

Sounds like there is a lot going on.

I'd reinstate the Christmas trip.

I would agree with DH a list of house rules (that apply to everyone) and what the consequences of breaking those rules are. Agree that consequences should be enforced for everyone, but no extra consequences (e.g. cancelling family days out) will be handed out without prior discussion. Let all of the DC know this too so everyone knows where they stand.

(I don't see the problem with pocketing cash instead of spending it on crap at a fundraiser, sensible financial choice imo).

Just take your child. I'd be seriously questioning the relationship if he continues treating the kids differently.

*your children

They are your children not his. Take them and leave him at home with his own child. I wouldn’t be with someone who behaved like this towards my kids.

I have the same scenarios in my household. Drives me crazy.
I have stopped trying to 'blend' and accept that we have different parenting techniques from time to time and that's ok.
I have started taking my children out to places on my own and don't involve the other children. I think it's ok to have time independently with my children and give them 100% of the focus from time to time. Good luck.

No need for another argument, just tell your son you’ll take him just the two of you and have a lovely bit of time together then stop your hypocrite bully husband picking on your child while he can’t be arsed parenting his own kids.

What a massive turnoff it must be seeing him throw his weight around at an easy target, thinking he can dictate how your parent your son, and being so spineless and inconsistent around expectations of his kids. Grim.

I would just take all the kids and leave him at home. We are a blended family and I would never dream of disciplining my SDC like that. The way I see it, we each decide the big stuff for our own DC, and that includes punishments, curfews, what they are allowed etc. Obviously I would pull them up on it if they were rude/ I’ll remind them to clear the table etc, but any punishments/consequences we deal with our own DC, maybe after having had a private conversation about it to decide on house rules and ensure we are being fair.

I said that you are being unreasonable because it's one set of rules for his golden child and a different set for yours. Take your two children and go to the event. Your children will enjoy time with mum. Leave the incredible sulk at home with his child

a treat I offered to pay for has been canned

Why has it been canned just because your husband doesn’t want to go? Can’t you still go with your own DC?

Why is the treat cancelled just because your husband said so?

I'd be taking my child/ren and your husband and step kids can stay home.

Since when is your DH in a position to decide what YOU are doing with YOUR children ? If he wants to punish his own child, fine. Then just take your two DC out. I would establish some basic rules when it comes to behaviour and consequences that are valid for ALL children. Write them down and show the children as well. That way he can't favour his own DC without "breaking the rules".

Sorry I voted YABU but wanted to vote YANBU !

You can change it.

So he didn't want to go and used your child's misbehaviour as an excuse to get his own way? Then ignored his own child's misbehaviour as it didn't serve his own selfish purposes to do anything about it? What a great dad. I would gave a very frank discussion that all kids are treated the same and he has 1 chance. Blow that and he's gone. Your kids deserve better.

You’re not a blended family. You’re two families under one roof.

What’s the point? Either start working as a team and treat everyone equally or move out. This is really unhealthy for all the children involved.

As others have said, take the kids on the day out, leave the crappy husband behind, which is what you should have resolved to do once he started moaning about not wanting to go.

Longterm, is this relationship going to work out if this problem is an ongoing one? Treating the children differently in such a blatant way is going to store up resentment and will damage the relationship between them but could also damage yours and your children’s. Is this man worth that? Is any man?

I had to set a rule my ex couldn't tell my dd off because he was harsher with her than his own kids. He just couldn't see he did it. We had a blazing row, or more I lost it at him, once the kids were in bed because in front of the kids I have to back him up and he just didn't see what he did.

He was allowed to threaten a 'consequence' or give a 'consequence' and then I decided the consequences when I was told. Or we discussed it and decided the consequence together. It did work really well.

Another thing I did was resolve myself that he would allow behaviour from hi kids that I would not allow from mine. So long as noone was getting hurt and my kids were not suffering I dropped the rope on that. I told him about behaviour I was unhappy with and let him deal with it in the same way he told me about mine and I dealt with it. When my kids questioned the differences I just said we parent differently and so I make decisions for mine and he does for his. I don't think this would have worked if the differences in the kids was not so stark, his didn't value school work or manners etc and therefore didn't do so well at schoolwork and didn't get the compliments on their manners none do. I was able to point out good grade and manners means a better job and social life and it's my job to ensure my kids get the best outcomes I can as their parent. Tricky to do without saying anything about the step kids potential outcomes but I be dammed if I let my kids develop the selfish spoiled attitude of the step kids because it might be inferred their dad is failing them.

We had had lots of disagreements on how to raise the kids and him allowing things for mine I didn't like so had to come to the agreement that in the week while his were not there my rules stood then at weekends it wasn't such a big deal that he allowed stuff I didn't like because we could frame it as the weekend. I think the reason my ex was firmer with my dd was because she was so well behaved overall and a high achiever, he thought I was too strict on some stuff and over time my way turned out to have better outcome for my dd. Made his kids look bad in comparison and hurt his ego.

Sorry a bit of a rambling rambling post. Basically the thing that worked was agreeing we each discipline our own kids outside of our set house rules and pre agreed consequences we had decided together.

Why are you allowing him to impose a punishment on your child? Do you discipline his child? I'd tell him he doesn't have to come but you'll be taking your children whether he likes it or not.