To talk (kindly!) to my DP about his weight gain

[DreamyB]

I feel awful just typing this, I know if the shoe was on the other foot he would be looked down upon!

I will start by saying my DP is a very gorgeous man, I am incredibly attracted to him, and aside from his physical attributes he is kind, fun, smart, loving and attentive. We have been together around three years.

When we first met he was very fit. Over the last year or so my DP has gained around 20-25lbs (he’s told me) and he’s really unhappy about it. Every day he looks in the mirror and calls himself fat and obese. He was very “built” to begin with so quite honestly in clothes he still looks utterly fantastic but when he’s naked it does show on the belly / lobe handles. I love and fancy him regardless but this doesn’t help the situation and he’s miserable about it.

We are CONSTANTLY on new “healthy eating” mandates. I have always been slim-ish, boobs and bum but bobbed between a 10-12 quite happily. I watch what I eat but I like good food, wine and will always prioritise having fun over watching cals. To support him i’ve been sticking to our various meal plans etc and have gone all the way down to a size 6/8 but i’m the only one sticking to it!

I cook healthy meals for us, he does too but he is a snack fiend and constantly comes back from the shop with crisps and chocolate. Then if I tell him he’ll regret it he becomes upset / embarrassed… then Monday rolls around and he’s upset anyway because he’s gained / maintained his weight. He goes to the gym every day, fully understands nutrition (much better than I) but just can’t help himself pigging out constantly then regretting it. He knows why the weight is going on but just… can’t avoid it.

I’m sad for him, it seems like it’s a compulsion. It’s affecting our sex life which used to be fantastic, he’s now around 100lbs heavier than me and it’s too much in certain positions / he doesn’t have the stamina to go more than once (sorry TMI).

I want to support him, I feel like he’s living with a snack addiction! When we talk about it he gets upset and worried I don’t fancy him anymore so I end up just trying to reassure him I love him how he is. I do, but I also want us to both look / feel good for one another!

Has anyone been through anything similar? Should I be “stricter”? I don’t want to police a grown man in our joint home over what he eats but right now I don’t know how to help him. When he’s sad about it I feel awful.

Thanks and sorry it’s long x

I wouldn't discuss his weight. I would discuss that he wanted you both to do eating plan and you are sticking to eating plans he wants to do but it isn't working for him.

My DH is much bigger than me. Sometimes he minds, not enough to stop eating though, and sometimes he squashes me and I have to surreptitiously move him. I don't know what to suggest, you can't make someone lose weight. If you still fancy him and he isn't in imminent danger of a heart attack then I wouldn't worry too much. If he was that bothered he would lose weight.

DH is a constant snacker, and picks at meals I cook for him then spends the entire evenings eating toast, cereal and chocolate. He's really putting weight on around his abdomen, and was told at his last health check that he's pre-diabetic. I'm type 2 diabetic and overly careful with my diet so I don't get his attitude at all. He thinks if he hides the wrappers in the bin or in his car, I won't see them. I don't care what he eats, btw, but I do care that he will expect me to be his carer in years to come (he's 60). Because what he's doing is self destruction and on him, not his genetics!

I wish I knew the answer, OP.

Oh dear me - well thank you for sharing, I don’t feel as alone in it!

A lot of it could just be genetics and metabolism. We both eat healthy and active but partner has always been able to eat and drink what ever she likes and is always stick thin. Me... if so much as smell a packet of crisps I instantly look like the Michelin Man!

A few years ago I picked up a Lumen Lumen Metabolism Hack, you fill in all your details and are prompted by the app to blow into the Lumen at different times of the day and it basically tells you exactly what your body is doing and what it's processing/storing. You can then track the right times to eat and what exactly to eat - even the most beneficial time for workout. You don't even have to cut out treats, but knowing when your body is burning fat/storing carbs etc gives you the metrics to eat then when your body can process them best. The fact you can track and see the process of your metabolism improving becomes a driver for making better choices. It's a brilliant concept that really helped me so much understanding how my body worked.

Has he tried Weight Watchers, OP? They have an app-based version, so you don't have to attend groups, so he can monitor food intake in private. It's also personalised too and not based on calorie counting, so you can still have treats etc. If he has the discipline to go to the gym every day, then he might enjoy the discipline of the app.

Meh I'd be losing sympathy fast tbh. I wouldn't be kindly listening to him upset and moaning about his weight every Monday, I'd be pointing out that I didn't know why he was so upset when he knows exactly why he hasn't lost weight and there's not much point whining about it when no doubt he's only going to go and do the same things again this week.

But I don't have much time for people who won't do simple things to help themselves!

It's not genetics or metabolism it's that he's eating a load of crap. The OP states this very clearly:

'...he is a snack fiend and constantly comes back from the shop with crisps and chocolate.'

Why do people always want to blame genetics or metabolism when it's just eating junk food that's the problem?

Mine is a constant snacker and wonders why he has a bit of a belly despite spending hours a week out on his bike. Somehow it's my fault as I do the shopping He eats smaller portions of our healthy dinners so that he can nibble all evening, and it drives me nuts. If he ever stops the exercise he's going to stack weight on like no tomorrow.

I admit I'm no angel when it comes to snacks and I love food and wine, but at least I don't blame anyone but myself if I gain weight.

I think I want to say “I’ll help you (as I do already cooking and eating well) but if you don’t help yourself I don’t want to listen to your complaining anymore!” but then I just feel mean

Maybe suggest watching the Dr Chris Van Tulken documentary on BBC iplayer. Its about ultra processed food and how they are addicitve. Sounds like he is compulsively eating upf, and is probably addicted. Its very hard when these foods surround us. I find that having loads of high protein snacks like boiled eggs, cheese, nuts and reducing sugar gradually has got rid of most of my cravings. The book ultraprocessed people is also a very good read.

My DH has helpfully suggested that for every 4lb he loses you give him a BJ. I have no words 😂

This. At the very most a slower metabolism might explain if he perhaps could have previously eaten whatever he wanted with no gain but now as he's older it's piling on - but that's the same for almost everyone.

Got to say I would have lost patience by now. It's unfair to expect you to limit yourself to support him when you don't have an issue, and I would be fuming if he then didn't stick to it. A size 6 is very small! The fact that you have lost that much weight from a start point of having much less to lose shows it clearly would have worked if he had stuck to it.

He clearly thinks that by going to the gym he can out-exercise his bad diet but he should know that's impossible. You only have to look at the display on any cardio machine which shows you how hard you have to train to burn 200 calories, one bag of crisps and that's cancelled it out.

If he's going to the gym every day presumably that affects the time you spend together as well as your sex life, not to mention spending family money on unnecessary junk food, etc. Do you have kids? Basically if he's going to the gym for two hours a day then eating crap it's almost a complete waste of time.

I think you need a serious talk. The current plan clearly isn't working for him or you. Is he actually obese to the point he would be suitable for Ozempic or similar? Reading any of the weight loss injection/tablet boards constantly shows people saying the same thing - they start taking those and it's like switching off a compulsion in their brain. I was on Mysimba (tablets not injectables) for a bit and it was exactly the same. You just don't fancy junk food. Yes it can be expensive but if you get rid of the gym membership and stop buying junk it's probably not that much difference.

Other than that would he benefit from some sort of external accountability - e.g. weight watchers or similar? I know a few guys who have done Man V Fat, which is like a weight loss group meets amateur football team and it worked for them, lost weight and made new mates.

Bit like this myself with eating sensibly, but occasional bursts of snacking.

Has he tried nutracheck? there's a free trial, and then its about £36 a year (so the cost of a small chocolate bar or packet of crisps a week £)
Super easy to record, you can scan barcodes, save your own regular meals etc.
It's UK based, so doesn't leap off into measuring stuff by cups, and while you can add your own personal favourite foods, no one but Nutracheck can add to the main database, so it doesn't get full of duff or duplicate entries, - As a result it's a lot more reliable than a lot of the free options.
As long as he commits to recording everything, it could work for him?

But that's exactly what you need to say.

Like when they have a cold but won't take cold relief.

In pain but won't take painkillers.

That's what you say to them. 'if you're not willing to help yourself, then stop whining to me about it.'

@Higgeldypiggeldy35 I will definitely look into UPF as I feel like it is an addiction. He has the discipline to go to the gym, play sports and have a high powered job - he just CANNOT leave the crisps and snacks alone. I don’t buy them now, and if he hasn’t gone to the shop he will eat things like chocolate chips for baking and slices of cheese!

@another1bitestheduck I think it is exactly as i’ve heard people who’ve been successful on ozempic describe “food noise”. I don’t know if he would be in the obese category - but his belly is really growing and I worry about his health too. We want to start TTC in March. Thanks for the advice.

If that's the case, how do you explain Lipoedema? Yes, eating junk food is obviously bad for you but it doesn't effect everyone's weight in the same way. People quit what they think is junk food, work out, eat healthy and still don't 'loose' weight. Which only leads to them giving up falling back into bad habits. We are not all designed the same but insights into how your individual body treats nutrients is key to knowing how to work in harmony with it and actually see results. Hence Lumen was so much better for me!

@ThinWomansBrain thanks that sounds great as MyFitnessPal is so annoying with the americanism

@gamerchick you’re right - and I have almost run out of sympathy!

I feel like he's living with a snack addiction

There's a programme currently on BBC iPlayer called "Irresistible : Why We Can't Stop Eating" in which Chris can Tulleken discusses the addictive nature of ultra-processed foods.

Encourage him to watch it for a better understanding of how being a "snack fiend" is affecting him. Generally speaking, the better you understand a problem, the more empowered you feel to tackle it

@DramaAlpaca You could be describing my DH too. He seems genuinely mystified by his weight gain, despite the bags of snacks stashed in his office! Only he eats them and guess what, he’s the only overweight person in the house. Hmmm..🤔

Portion control seems to be his blind spot, he’ll claim to eat healthy snacks while serving himself a big bowl. DS (16) pointed this out recently when he was eating some rice snacks. According to the packet, one portion was about six snacks, but DH probably served himself 30!

If your DH wants to lose weight, only he can make the changes, OP. It is frustrating when someone complains but does nothing about it though. I say this as someone who likes a glass of wine and a slice of cake myself, but I don’t pretend that I’m not consuming the extra calories.

I would repeat what others have said about looking at ultra processed foods and how addictive it is designed to be and the methods companies use to get us to over consume. We have reduced our consumption of upf and anecdotally so have lots of people in the reducing upf Facebook page as losing weight has been a by product of this.

Sounds like he either need to do calorie counting and include small snacks in daily

Ww or sw ans use the points /syns

Or

Mj to kill the food noise

The fact you have obv lost a lot of weight to be a 6/8 now means stick to whatever diet and it works

If he is unhappy maybe you need to be blunt and say the reason you are gaining weight is the extra crisis and chocolate etx

I know you don't want to hurt his feelings but this can't carry on or will be health issues