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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Coercive control?

5 replies

Beargrins · 01/12/2024 15:51

I have a friend I've known for many years who I suspect is being controlled by her partner. Despite an abusive childhood she managed to forge a good career in medicine but has had a series of failed relationships, the latest being with a man about whom little is known. He has no assets and told her his ex took all his money and his entire family are dead. Most friends, family and colleagues who initially raised concerns have been dropped, leaving her with just the very few who are kept at a distance apart from one who is very well off. He seems to encourage this friendship. He calls her constantly if she is out but blocks her calls if she doesn't answer immediately and tries to ring him back. On the few social occasions she has bought him along, he has been disruptive, seemingly high on something (which she denies) and causes a scene. There have been allegations made at his workplace of sexual misconduct but she seems to swallow his narrative that the women concerned are after some kind of compensation.
There were a couple of occasions earlier in their relationship when paramedics were called out as she had apparently fallen after arguments in public. She lives a very frugal life, buying everything for herself from charity shops etc whilst buying him designer clothing.
I've tried to respect her choice and hoped the relationship might fizzle out or improve and I've tried to open conversations about his behaviour but this just gets shut down and I'm afraid she will lose any support she might need in future. There's nothing more I can do is there? Just feeling sad about the situation and where it may end. Anybody else had similar experiences?

OP posts:
Wordsmithery · 01/12/2024 19:46

You're reading the situation correctly.
Personally I'd force a really open conversation about her relationship. Do everything you can to keep the conversation going. There's a chance she'll get really angry or upset but you're losing her anyway so I think you have to take the risk. Tell her everything as you see it, and tell her there will always be a safe place for her under your roof, now, in 12 months or in 12 years.

Jostuki · 01/12/2024 19:55

Chances are she is suffering from low self esteem from her troubled childhood and believes he is the best she will get or sadly even believed she doesn't deserve to be treated well.

If you say anything she will most likely cut you out of her life.

I'd be inclined to send her stuff anonymously such as contacts for counselling and therapy and self help books.

BusyBee2020 · 01/12/2024 19:57

Wordsmithery · 01/12/2024 19:46

You're reading the situation correctly.
Personally I'd force a really open conversation about her relationship. Do everything you can to keep the conversation going. There's a chance she'll get really angry or upset but you're losing her anyway so I think you have to take the risk. Tell her everything as you see it, and tell her there will always be a safe place for her under your roof, now, in 12 months or in 12 years.

I completely agree with this. It sounds like he's cutting her off from her support network, and so even though it's a risky/tough conversation to have, it will be invaluable to be able to give her a safe space to turn if/when needed.

In the UK there's a law called Clare's Law, which gives people (including close friends) the right to ask the police about a loved one's partner if you're concerned about domestic violence. If there is a record which might be concerning, the police are then actively allowed to share the information to safeguard the person in question. You can find more info here (clares-law.com/). It includes a wide definition of abuse, including physical, psychological/emotional, financial etc., and definitely seems relevant to the behaviour you've described and the changes you've noticed.

Hope that helps and best of luck - it's really a tough situation.

Home - Clare's Law

Also known as the Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme is a police policy giving you the right to know if your partner has an abusive past

https://clares-law.com/

TiredCatLady · 01/12/2024 20:21

Second a Clare’s Law application - sooner rather than later.

Beargrins · 01/12/2024 21:28

Thanks all for the input.I have told her she has a home here if ever she needs it but she gets very protective of the bloke who she seems convinced has her best interests at heart. She had such a dysfunctional family she seems to think it's all perfectly normal. I'm going to pursue Clare's law although the charmer seems to have aliases- I know, couldn't make it up...

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