Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to accept I've no say over exs decisions re our child

25 replies

4offPlease · 01/12/2024 14:39

Ex and I split last year. It was amicable and we spoke about when we met someone new we would wait to introduce them to dc. I said I think we should wait at least 6 months or until we know it is a lasting thing. He agreed

He now has been in a relationship 2 months, told dc about her last week and had her round to his house with her son who is the same age as dc.

I have no jealousy or hard feelings towards the new gf or their relationship, but the fact he ' knows what he's doing' ands knows that it will last and I have no say in what he does regarding this (which I'm aware, I don't)

But I just feel it's even worse now because dc have been introduced and dc is so excited to have a new friend it won't just be a new adult in their life they lose if the relationship ends, dc also said they kept ' snogging' which when I said to ex that it's not really appropriate he shrugged it off and said it's not a crime

So, he's clearly going to be making his own decisions regarding what he does with dc. How can I let go of the anxiety/irritation that he's putting his sex life ahead of what's best for dc

I haven't even looked at dating yet, we had a long relationship and I'm getting to know who I am as a single person and can't imagine bringing someone into dc life let alone smooching in front of them.

Dc is 8

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportPotato · 01/12/2024 14:46

If he's asked them to stop smooching he should. Can he ask dad himself to keep it pg?

SnoopySantaPaws · 01/12/2024 14:47

It's not easy, but honestly it can be a LOT worse than a girlfriend you disagree about. As long as she's nice to DS, just let them get on with it. If the 'snogging' bothers him, just tell him to say 'Ewww Knock it off!' Or something.

i know it's not a race to the bottom, but lots of mums have to let their kids go to their Dads despite previous abuse or an inability to keep them safe. Really worrying situations.

just try to keep the Big Pucture in mind.

oh & kids make friends all the time, plenty who won't be in their lives forever, he'll be fine.

SnoopySantaPaws · 01/12/2024 14:48

And she'll never be you 🤗

Original poster
4offPlease · 01/12/2024 15:00

Thank you :) it's not that I disapprove of the gf as far as I've heard she seems very nice as does the dc

Yes that's true about them making/losing friends. I will try to let it go, so hard when you've always made joint decisions and suddenly you've no control over half your child's time

OP posts:
ThatPearlViewer · 01/12/2024 15:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ThatPearlViewer · 01/12/2024 15:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

FrannyScraps · 01/12/2024 15:06

Does he have say over things you do with DC on your time? I doubt you consult him on your social interactions with other adults during that time.

Cromwell1905 · 01/12/2024 15:07

Sorry he is your ex he has his own life and he is also the equal parent of your child. As long there is nothing he is doing that is putting your child at risk you need to let him parent how he sees right.

Original poster
4offPlease · 01/12/2024 15:09

FrannyScraps · 01/12/2024 15:06

Does he have say over things you do with DC on your time? I doubt you consult him on your social interactions with other adults during that time.

Not at all, however if we had had a discussion and agreed something I would absolutely run it by him before changing there goal posts.

OP posts:
Original poster
4offPlease · 01/12/2024 15:10

Sorry just to be clear, yes I disagree with how he is going about it, but I'm aware he's dc dad and we do generally have a decent relationship, I'm more trying to adjust my own feelings about it, not his behaviour

OP posts:
DrCoconut · 01/12/2024 15:28

Interesting that a lot of people will say YABU yet if a single mum had introduced a boyfriend of 2 months to the kids complete with PDA, they'd be getting absolutely trashed on here now. The standard is set much much lower for men.

Cromwell1905 · 01/12/2024 15:31

DrCoconut · 01/12/2024 15:28

Interesting that a lot of people will say YABU yet if a single mum had introduced a boyfriend of 2 months to the kids complete with PDA, they'd be getting absolutely trashed on here now. The standard is set much much lower for men.

Not by me they would not, there is no hint of sexism on this thread so no need to bring it in !

Imjustlikeyou2 · 01/12/2024 15:33

YANBU. It’s ridiculous, immature behaviour imo. Especially the snogging ugh… I remember my mum & dad splitting up and my dad snogging his new bit right in front of me, repeatedly a few months later. I was about your DC’s age and it both upset me and made me feel quite sick! Bit different to introducing her as a friend and have days out to build up a relationship etc, even if it is too soon. Just think op at least they don’t have a mum as desperate as their dad!

Isthisexpected · 01/12/2024 15:34

I think it's tale as old as time. Many men will fail at keeping their word when the relationship ends just as they failed at keeping their word during the marriage. I don't know how you accept it other than mourn that basically he'll never put his child first and make peace that at least your son has you, which is so important!

Imjustlikeyou2 · 01/12/2024 15:34

@DrCoconut you're right, although usually the same thing goes for dad not sure why this post is different.

mamajong · 01/12/2024 15:39

It's easy to say things at the outset of a breakup that just don't work in practice. If she's nice to DC and they are happy you have to let it go. Focus on planning nice things for yourself when DC are there and try not to get involved in the day to day of his life

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/12/2024 16:04

I don’t think it’s necessarily harmful for new girlfriends and boyfriends to be introduced to children relatively early. The damaging aspects tend to be when adults try to encourage an overly close relationship and bonding, which is then upsetting for children if the relationship ends; or where the resident parent brings a constant stream of new partners into the home to live. Simply meeting his dad’s girlfriend and her child and spending time with them in the same way he would if his dad was inviting a friend and their child over to hang out together isn’t likely to result in DS being devastated if it doesn’t work out.

LogicVoid · 01/12/2024 16:11

You can't control his behaviour. But - I'd be tempted to ask him to confirm that the agreement about not introducing new partners before 6 months was no longer the case - implying what is good for the goose is good for the gander. Even though I wouldn't.

Isthisexpected · 01/12/2024 16:18

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/12/2024 16:04

I don’t think it’s necessarily harmful for new girlfriends and boyfriends to be introduced to children relatively early. The damaging aspects tend to be when adults try to encourage an overly close relationship and bonding, which is then upsetting for children if the relationship ends; or where the resident parent brings a constant stream of new partners into the home to live. Simply meeting his dad’s girlfriend and her child and spending time with them in the same way he would if his dad was inviting a friend and their child over to hang out together isn’t likely to result in DS being devastated if it doesn’t work out.

The thing is every kid will know of someone else who has had multiple or a bad experience of a step parent. So it isn't just about the reality of what happens to you as a child of divorce, it's about the unique fears of the future and what might happen that children can be impacted by too.

EmotionalSupportPotato · 01/12/2024 16:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I know. Can he ask?

Errors · 01/12/2024 16:44

4offPlease · 01/12/2024 15:10

Sorry just to be clear, yes I disagree with how he is going about it, but I'm aware he's dc dad and we do generally have a decent relationship, I'm more trying to adjust my own feelings about it, not his behaviour

I completely understand what you’re saying here OP. You disagree with what your ex is doing (as I would if I were in your position) but you recognise that in the grand scheme of things, it’s not worth upsetting the dynamic over?

Ive no real advice, other than smile and nod as someone else said and only intervene if your DS is bothered by any of it.

Shiningout · 01/12/2024 16:46

Isthisexpected · 01/12/2024 15:34

I think it's tale as old as time. Many men will fail at keeping their word when the relationship ends just as they failed at keeping their word during the marriage. I don't know how you accept it other than mourn that basically he'll never put his child first and make peace that at least your son has you, which is so important!

Yep this. You have to try as hard as you can to try and accept that loss of control over his actions going forward. You won't agree with a lot of things, and you'll know it's not in your child's best interests. But in reality unless there is abuse there isn't much you can do.

You'll save yourself a lot of conflict if you try to just focus on what you do have control over, when your child is with you. And step in if you feel your son is unhappy, you can always try and have conversations about things but in experience that'll just lead to an argument.

Errors · 01/12/2024 16:48

ComtesseDeSpair · 01/12/2024 16:04

I don’t think it’s necessarily harmful for new girlfriends and boyfriends to be introduced to children relatively early. The damaging aspects tend to be when adults try to encourage an overly close relationship and bonding, which is then upsetting for children if the relationship ends; or where the resident parent brings a constant stream of new partners into the home to live. Simply meeting his dad’s girlfriend and her child and spending time with them in the same way he would if his dad was inviting a friend and their child over to hang out together isn’t likely to result in DS being devastated if it doesn’t work out.

I agree with this, but it’s not necessarily what the ex is doing right now that’s the problem. It’s the fact that they had a 6 month rule which he has ignored. And if he can’t stick to that for the good of his child, what other boundaries will he crossed? Is there a blended family type situation slightly further down the line where the OP’s ex will want them all to live together as a happy family even though it would be extremely disruptive for their child?
The ex is showing he isn’t willing to stick to what they’ve discussed, even through the rule they had in place was for the benefit of his own child. In what other situations will he put his own needs first?

ThatPearlViewer · 02/12/2024 07:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
4offPlease · 02/12/2024 16:25

Thanks all I will have to practice my deep breaths and counting to 10 😂

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page