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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think ex is trying to stalk me or am I just paranoid?

17 replies

thecherryfox · 01/12/2024 13:26

I left my abusive ex when I was in my early pregnancy as his abuse got so much worse. Because I left him, post separation abuse is no joke and it escalated to the point of him making threats on my life, to set my home on fire with me (pregnant me) in it, and that his friends all knew where I lived so they were going to come and beat me up. This is among other threats, other daily verbal abuse and stalking etc. I lived in fear and when lockdown hit , I was so terrified so I moved to a home where he has no idea where I lived.

It’s been over 5 years and we’ve been through court and everything and my address has still been kept from him for safety reasons. I have to ‘coparent’ with him and he continues to be abusive and controlling. He doesn’t like the fact that he doesn’t know where my son lives with me. I get that to an extent as I would want to know where my child is living, but for my protection I don’t want him to know.

Anyway, he has specifically brought a tablet for our son with cellular data and has made a point of telling him to bring it home. His dad told me he has all the parental stuff set up on his phone. He’s had previous tablets at his dad’s house - none of which he allowed our son home with. But because this one has cellular and he made a point to tell me that and that he has the tablet controls on his phone - I’m pretty sure he has set it up so our son would bring it home and it would track our location.

I panicked before even leaving and immediately turned the tablet off before setting off home as I didn’t want to take the risk. I’m still stressing thinking it can be tracked even if turned off. His abuse has got so much worse recently as child maintenance have set a date for tribunal (he’s self employed and claims he doesn’t have an income), and also because I have set boundaries. He often will ask for contact the day before occasions and because I tell him no, but he’s welcome to ask in advance in the future - he will kick off. He also will kick off because he expects me to communicate school occasions for him - I’ve told him he’s welcome to read the newsletters for himself, he doesn’t and kicks off at me for ‘not keeping him updated’ when he misses things. He will ‘punish’ me by ignoring messages when I ask if our child is asleep - he’s autistic and a poor sleeper, that’s the only thing I message about during his contact every other weekend.

I guess I’m rambling, but my point is the fact that his abuse has continued despite me not being with him, I’m not sure if I’m being overly paranoid about him tracking the tablet. I just have a bad feeling that if he knows my address the abuse would be coming to my front door and I’d feel unsafe in my home again. I have cptsd and I’m on edge all the time as it is.

OP posts:
Screenthis · 01/12/2024 13:35

You're not being paranoid, trust your instincts.

ExtraOnions · 01/12/2024 13:40

You should be able to turn location services off, depending on the tablet.

You can also turn the cellular off.

RandomMess · 01/12/2024 13:42

Absolutely not paranoid and tell your ex that the tablet isn't to come home with DS as you don't want responsibility if it goes missing or gets broken.

RandomMess · 01/12/2024 13:45

Hopefully he won't try an AirTag in his bag/clothes etc.

Fedupandstressed · 01/12/2024 13:45

I'd also be checking in case an apple tag or similar doesn't find its way into your son's belongings.

Shouldbedoing · 01/12/2024 13:49

Have you been to the police about this man?
You should.

Daleksatemyshed · 01/12/2024 13:50

Seconding the police Op, this all needs to be logged with them .

Createausername1970 · 01/12/2024 14:00

There are ways your ex could find you via technology - tracking etc.

But it would actually be fairly easy for your ex to find where you live if he wanted to without technology. He obviously knows where your child goes to school, so he could simply follow you home from a distance.

StripeyDeckchair · 01/12/2024 14:03

100% there is at least one tracking app on that tablet, probably more so that if you find one and delete it he thinks you'll relax & think you're ok when there are other tracking apps running.

I would refuse to take it.

I hope all his behaviour is logged with the police.

SinnerBoy · 01/12/2024 14:03

But because this one has cellular and he made a point to tell me that and that he has the tablet controls on his phone - I’m pretty sure he has set it up so our son would bring it home and it would track our location.

That was my immediate thought, when you said that it was phone enabled. Do you know anybody who is tech-savvy, who could disable location? I'd be thinking about going to the Police with it, too.

Tittat50 · 01/12/2024 14:05

You are being really sensible. Explain to him that you can't be responsible for the iPad ( or any technology) and he has his own things with you he can access.

You are not paranoid at all.

TheSandgroper · 01/12/2024 14:11

Would a Faraday bag block any signal? Then when ds gets in the car, you drive to McDonalds, pop the device into the bag and drive away.

DS would only be able to have it back when he goes back to his father. Not at home.

I don’t know if a Faraday bag blocks both wifi and bluetooth signals.

FOJN · 01/12/2024 14:17

Given your exes history there is no such thing as paranoid, you are reasonably and sensibly concerned for your safety.

I would refuse to take the tablet home and I might even stop in a supermarket car park on the way home from pick up and check you sons bags and pockets for airtags.

I post this link on every thread related to stalking in case it might be useful to someone reading.

www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

BookArt55 · 01/12/2024 16:00

Please log every incident as it happens. That picture of the frequency and sometimes escalation in behaviour is apparently far better than everything being told at once, in hindsight. Little and often, no matter how small, is the advice I've been given. I've always been worried about wasting police time with such small things, but altogether they make a bigger puzzle picture. Some great advice above.

WigglyVonWaggly · 01/12/2024 16:10

I wouldn’t turn it on. He’s desperate to know your location and setting a location tracker on the tech is a perfect way for him to do this. I just wouldn’t even risk it.

Just in case this is helpful to anyone in the thread: if you have an iPhone, it tells you via an alert if an unknown AirTag (ie not one you installed and linked to your own device) is detected moving around with you. Mine alerted me to one on holiday. I knew about it as my husband had put it in our car but it was only linked to his Apple account so Apple warned me. However, it only did so after noting I’d been moving along with the tag for a good few hours.

RedHelenB · 01/12/2024 16:17

Createausername1970 · 01/12/2024 14:00

There are ways your ex could find you via technology - tracking etc.

But it would actually be fairly easy for your ex to find where you live if he wanted to without technology. He obviously knows where your child goes to school, so he could simply follow you home from a distance.

This.

GloriousGoosebumps · 01/12/2024 17:13

As pp's have said, he can track the tablet, which is how people who have lost or had their phones snatched can track their phone down. If location services are disabled or the tablet switched off, find my phone will show him the last location so don't take the tablet home and then switch it off. Personally, I wouldn't take the tablet at all, instead I'd provide a tablet for your son to use.

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