To think he doesn't really want to live with me?

[Ghostwiththemost88]

I've been with my boyfriend for 4.5 years, but he has been a good friend of mine for 20+ years.

I have an 11 year old and a 7 year old, they split time 50/50 between me and their dad and the adult relationships are amicable. Boyfriend spends half of the week at my house, we usually have a night alone and the rest of the time the children are there, they have a great relationship and see him as family.

My boyfriend has no children, he has lived at home with his mum since finishing uni. We live 25 miles apart, he drives and I don't as I have epilepsy. We both work local to where we live, I work in a specialist health professional role and wouldn't be able to do this role in the trust where boyfriend lives. He works in an office based job but can often work from home.

My boyfriend keeps suggesting that we should live together, but he wants me and the children to move to where he currently lives. The reason he gives for this is that currently he sees his toddler neice and nephew 3 days a week as his mum provides childcare for his brother. He says he wouldn't want to live so far away from them. I also have nephews who live in the same area as me, and one who lives 50 miles away and I manage to have great relationships with them, I don't need to see them multiple times a week for that. If I moved to his hometown, I wouldn't be able to commute to work using public transport, I'd not be able to easily see my own family whereas if he moved to where I live, it's a 20 minute drive back to his hometown.

We would like to get married, and progress our relationship but this is a sticking point for me. He is always the one to initiate the conversation about moving in together, we can talk for hours about it and it always comes back to him not wanting to live so far away from his brother's children. He doesn't seem to understand when I point out that most adults who live with a partner still manage to have relationships with the rest of their family.

Aibu to think this is an excuse and that he doesn't actually want to live together?

He expects you to prioritise his family over your dc and your job. Would it also be trickier for your dc to stay at their schools and see their father and for you to receive same level of support? Feels rather one-sided and selfish of him.

Yes, that was another concern. My 11 year old has SEN and attends a specialist provision school, it wouldn't be as simple as just transferring schools which boyfriend claims to understand.

I adore his neice and nephew, they're lovely children but it's starting to feel like his relationship with them will always be a priority over anything else.

Where is he proposing you live if he's still at home?
It would be madness to give up your home and uproot your children, move them schools (especially knowing how hard SEN provision is to find) just so he can see his brothers children. What about your children seeing their dad too, would the distance impact that? And your job. Surely he can see it doesn't make sense for you to be the one to move.
It doesn't sound like he's got the emotional maturity to put others first or is ready to adult away from his family yet. Not someone I would want to move my children in with personally.

I would just leave things as they are. If you really want to live with someone and get remarried then I would dump him and start over.

No way would I uproot my children for a man for such a flimsy reason,

I'm not planning to move to where he lives, I've been clear from the start that it's not an option for me.
Initially when he started talking about moving in, it was to move into my home, which I would be agreeable to as I know he would contribute fairly, he already contributes financially for example he will do the weekly food shopping even though he's only here for half the week , and he pays for a better WiFi and tv package as he sometimes works from my house. He isn't mean with money and I'd not be worried about finances as we are both OK in that sense.

I just don't know how to nicely tell him that I think it's odd that he wants to make big life decisions based on the amount he can see his neice and nephew.

Yes, it seems to me that he isn't really ready to be away from his family yet. He is 42 though, so if not now, I don't think he ever will be.

He's generous at the moment as he presumably has minimal financial commitments. It's not an indication of how he could manage bills and responsibilities when he has less disposable income.
I once moved in with a man who had never left home before; it didn't last long. He didn't want to cut the apron strings, couldn't cope with responsibility, had no clue how to budget, run a household, do housework or home maintenance. When we split he went back home and never moved out again,
Obviously everyone is different but definitely things to consider with someone that age who has never stood in their own two feet.
You may have to accept this might never move forward and whether that's something you want.

Thanks, I appreciate the insight.
Maybe this is something I need to consider. I'd be OK with keeping things how they are just now, it's my boyfriend who has instigated the idea that we should live together

He’s sounds lovely but his nieces and nephews are on his bloodline and i think that as he he not a father himself, this is as close as it gets for him

I would just cut the conversations and keep saying to him it’s not going to work. Don’t engage in hours of chat.

you don’t drive, your son has a specialist school place and you cannot find employment from his home so just say to him that’s that .. on repeat

If you've talked and talked and found no resolution I think I'd point out next time he starts that you're at a stalemate and there really isn't much point keep discussing it. He wants to stay where he is (for stupid reasons IMO) and you want to stay where you are (for perfectly reasonable ones). If he can't see that then tbh I don't think I'd want to move in with him, if I were you. What other stupid decisions is he going to foist on you, if he does? Plus, he's 42 and lives with his DM? He sounds like a bit of a loser tbh.

I just don't know how to nicely tell him that I think it's odd that he wants to make big life decisions based on the amount he can see his neice and nephew.

You don't have to. You just have to tell him you're not moving area because of the very pressing issues you have. Your child's school alone is enough. Next time he brings it up, "there's not point talking about this if you're firm that you don't want to move areas" and done.

Keep things as there are
tbh at 42 he probably sees his niece and nephew as the children he will never have and they are the closest thing he will get to having kids

Perhaps unlikely but it isn't a good idea to make big moves (or refusing to move) because of other families .... his neice and nephew's parents could leave the area for a job or anything else.

Is it his brother's children or his sister's?

His brother's children

I can understand that, but he doesn't actually do that much with them. His mum does all the the looking after, he never takes them places alone or anything like that. It's more that he's a presence in the house when they are there and he likes to play with them sometime. But most of the time that they're there he's working.

I think his is a silly reason but I think you would be better off focusing on the very sensible reasons why you can't move, point that out one more time then refuse to engage in any more lengthy discussions unless he has something new to suggest

I think he doesn't want to live together and is making ridiculous unworkable suggestions so he can say he does want to live together and if you do the things he is asking then you can. So just keep living apart or end things if you want someone you can live with in the future as it won't be him. I agree with others that you need to shut down any conversation quickly. "I can't leave the area because of x's school so there is no point us discussing that." Don't pander to it by going through the options. There aren't any. He doesn't want to move and you can't move so that's the end of it.

I would be upset that he thinks it's reasonable to ask you to uproot your children. It strikes me as pretty selfish. He should be the one moving to you as he doesn't have children.

I also have a child in SEN provision and I would never uproot her for a relationship because it’s so hard to actually get in the schools in the first place and it wouldn’t be fair to her because she’s so settled. I also have several health conditions and rely on my family’s help with her because she doesn’t see her dad. I’m currently with someone, and even though it’s a LONG way off, they already know they would have to be the one to move and they wouldn’t dream of asking me to. Your OH sounds very selfish and isn’t thinking of you or your children, sorry OP.

He’s a mummy’s boy, he doesn’t to leave - caring for nibletts sounds like an excuse

if you are happy to continue the way things are for the next 30 odd years carry on how you are . If you want a proper relationship abd to live with someone dump him .

Not wanting to uproot your children's schooling is a valid single reason.

I wouldn't change my child's school for any man.

Sounds as though your bf has never really grown up and can't bear to be too far away from mummy. I agree with pp, that you should immediately shut down any further communication on the subject by saying it's not logistically practical for you to move away from your area.

I'll say again, I'm not planning on moving to be with him! It's not an option for me and I've told him that!
It seems the best way forward is to just shut down any discussion of living together.