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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to snap at my DM over this?

29 replies

CuttleFishBish · 01/12/2024 11:32

I'll start by saying I am highly stressed lately so may be unreasonable as my patience is very thin.

My DM has been coming over to my house to help me with my baby DD while I care for my DS who has special needs and needs one to one care.

However I find my DM very difficult to get along with. She's fine in short doses but as she's at my house every day I'm finding things annoying but I don't really voice it often to keep the peace and because I'm also aware that she is helping me out.

However I have been getting increasingly annoyed at things like her not being able to dress my DD unless I get all the clothes out ready for her as she "can't find anything" in the drawers and doesn't know what to put her in. She also can't put DD in her car seat as she doesn't know how, even though I've showed her or she can't get the push chair out of the car and open it as she doesn't know how. We have a prep machine and she can't use it as again says "i don't know how" even though she has been shown. She won't bath DD as she doesn't know what to do etc.

I've not voiced my annoyance over these things as fair enough, DD is my responsibility and she doesn't have to do these things but I don't find it particularly helpful when I'm trying to sort DS out and I have my DM handing DD to me to do any of the things I've mentioned as she says she can't do it.

The other day DS had gone to school and DD was sleeping so I decided to get on top of the house work. DM was sat at the table using her laptop. I had just finished cleaning the kitchen and everything was clean and tidy when DM comes in to make something to eat and leaves crumbs and butter all over the counter, doesn't use the worktop saver so scratches the counter top and then puts everything back in the wrong place. I said "Mum, I've just cleaned in here and you've come and left a mess!" She just shrugged and didn't acknowledge it.

I then went to have a bath as DD was still sleeping, 2 minutes into being in the bath and my DM is banging on the door in a panic asking me to speak to the man on the phone who is saying she has a virus. I said "no, it's a scammer, just hang up!" She wouldn't believe me and wouldn't hang up and kept knocking at the door so I gave up and got out and lost it at her.

I shouted at her that she was being stupid as when I'd checked her laptop she had clicked a pop up and actually dialled the number and phoned the scammer. I've shown her so many times what not to click on and what is a scam or virus and said never ring the numbers or open the links but she refuses to listen!

So anyway, this caused a huge row as she said I was over reacting and had shouted at her for crumbs on the counter top which was a non issue and now am shouting at her for a mistake on the computer and that I'm being ungrateful and too picky.

I said I'm trying to be tolerant of her but I'm super stressed with DS and I don't find her help particularly helpful when I keep having to do everything anyway as she can't do it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 01/12/2024 11:37

She is adding to your stress. She's not really helping, so cut back on her visits and I'd guarantee you manage better than you imagine.

namechange1986 · 01/12/2024 11:37

It sounds like you are in a difficult situation.

How old is she and is she being paid? Do you have a partner?

Lifeglowup · 01/12/2024 11:40

Sounds like she is helping to the best of her abilities but her abilities are’nt good enough for you. How often is she there?

Renamed · 01/12/2024 11:43

Has she always been like this? (Yes I’m the poster who’s going to ask if it could be dementia)

Original poster
CuttleFishBish · 01/12/2024 11:44

She comes every morning, Monday to Friday and stays for about 4 or 5 hours. She isn't paid. I've said she doesn't have to do it but she insists. Things are very challenging with DS because of his special needs and the fact that he requires one to one care and I am the only one who can provide it.

DM is in her late 60's.

Yes, I think she is helping to the best of her abilities so I feel like I can't complain really but I think it's just not meshing with me. The help she is offering isn't the help I require.

OP posts:
beachcitygirl · 01/12/2024 11:51

Totally understandable but also totally wrong. She's giving her time & trying to help.
Best you put a stop to her helping now. You need to do it yourself or pay for help.

Dotto · 01/12/2024 11:55

What does she actually do? What would you do instead if she wasn't there? Have you applied for all funding you can get?

StopStartStop · 01/12/2024 11:59

I think your mum might be on the path to dementia. I'm her age, not some young woman prejudiced against older women.
Try asking your mum to do housework when she's with you, not childcare. If that doesn't work, plan some times for visits, and pay someone for the support you need.

NuffSaidSam · 01/12/2024 12:01

You can appreciate the help she is able to give or you can ask her not to help anymore.

You can't snap at her because the 25 hours a week of free help she's giving you isn't quite up to standard.

It's sounds like a stressful situation you're in and we can all be short tempered in those circumstances so don't beat yourself up. Make the changes needed so this doesn't happen again. Have you tried writing down instructions for the bottle prep machine etc? Sorting the clothes differently so your mum can access them better? These do seem like things that can be sorted out.

craigth162 · 01/12/2024 12:03

I agree if you can't cope alone you need to pay for help. This arrangement will ruin your relationship with her

Ohnobackagain · 01/12/2024 12:08

@CuttleFishBish I think you need to put her off coming as it is actually not helping, at all. Or restrict it somehow. But to stop her coming you might need to tell her you are out. Tell her you will come to her - could you drop the baby off from time to time?

angstridden2 · 01/12/2024 12:09

I can imagine that you’re quite stressed at the moment.However, I’m older than your mum (and don’t think I’ve got dementia) but unless I write instructions down for machines like Perfect Prep, I forget them if I dont use it every day. My gcs buggy was a nightmare to fold and open and incredibly heavy. Fastening the car seat was dreadful, I have slight arthritis in my hands and trying to hold bits together while locking it with one hand was very hard. If your mother knows you are particular, she may be anxious about putting the wrong clothes on the baby.
IT is a real challenge for many of us, and it sometimes feels as though everyone is out to get us!

you do lose confidence as you age, I have found, but this isn’t working for you and you will need to source alternative help.

SuperfluousHen · 01/12/2024 12:12

I wouldn’t find this sort of “help” helpful.
Maybe just go to her house occasionally and stop the visits to yours?

hopeishere · 01/12/2024 12:18

But if your son goes to school what is she doing while he's there. Just sitting around at your house?

Original poster
CuttleFishBish · 01/12/2024 12:24

Yeah I accept that I can't criticise free help. I think I'm just so stressed lately that everything is irritating me. Unfair to snap at her when she is trying her best.

To those asking what she's doing when my son is at school, yes she is just sitting around my house. She has retired and doesn't have any friends or family and doesn't get along with her neighbours so prefers to come to mine. She has also cancelled her phone and Internet so uses it at my house otherwise she has no access to anything.

I have tried telling her to not come every day as I'm getting irritable etc but she insists. I have done things like written instructions down etc but I appreciate maybe it's still confusing.

I'll have a talk with her about maybe just coming a few times a week to visit DD and I'll try and manage by myself in the mornings.

OP posts:
Ohnobackagain · 01/12/2024 12:28

@CuttleFishBish cancelling her internet etc - err, no. Sounds like an attempt to move in!

Poodleville · 01/12/2024 12:29

Omg YANBU. It sounds like she is coming to get her own needs met, not yours or DGCs.
I think you'll have to be brutally boundaried on this one, because she's already been insisting when you've declined.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/12/2024 12:33

I think it’s a hard one but the way forward is probably to just say she can pop round less and just for the purpose of spending time with DC rather than in a helping role. That way you don’t have expectations of help she should be providing and so there’s nothing to get worked up over.

My nanna is quite similar in that she loves the baby cuddles but she doesn’t know how to use the prep machine, car seat or pram, she wouldn’t want to bath or dress my baby etc, but that’s totally fine because she comes round to see my baby, not help look after her, she doesn’t need to know how to do those things. That set up, removing the expectation of actual help and rather it just be coming to see DC could be helpful.

Original poster
CuttleFishBish · 01/12/2024 12:36

Mrsttcno1 · 01/12/2024 12:33

I think it’s a hard one but the way forward is probably to just say she can pop round less and just for the purpose of spending time with DC rather than in a helping role. That way you don’t have expectations of help she should be providing and so there’s nothing to get worked up over.

My nanna is quite similar in that she loves the baby cuddles but she doesn’t know how to use the prep machine, car seat or pram, she wouldn’t want to bath or dress my baby etc, but that’s totally fine because she comes round to see my baby, not help look after her, she doesn’t need to know how to do those things. That set up, removing the expectation of actual help and rather it just be coming to see DC could be helpful.

I agree. I think this is probably the best way forward.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 01/12/2024 12:36

Just a hug. This sounds difficult.

AuraBora · 01/12/2024 12:37

Poodleville · 01/12/2024 12:29

Omg YANBU. It sounds like she is coming to get her own needs met, not yours or DGCs.
I think you'll have to be brutally boundaried on this one, because she's already been insisting when you've declined.

Yes I agree with this!

It's a shame but it really doesn't sound as if she is capable of helping in the ways you need her to.

When I had baby and toddler DD I actually stopped having my mum round much as I just found her to be another person to look after/attend to.
She would do things like immediately say she'd like a coffee as soon as she arrived (when I was in the middle of something) and then say "'I'll make my self one, shall I?" - then proceed with making coffee but never offers to make me one!

She is much better if I go to her house as then at least she will make coffee/lunch whatever and I can see to the children.

Do you see her struggling with other tasks in the same way? Could she just help a but with housework if not the children?

Original poster
CuttleFishBish · 01/12/2024 12:50

AuraBora · 01/12/2024 12:37

Yes I agree with this!

It's a shame but it really doesn't sound as if she is capable of helping in the ways you need her to.

When I had baby and toddler DD I actually stopped having my mum round much as I just found her to be another person to look after/attend to.
She would do things like immediately say she'd like a coffee as soon as she arrived (when I was in the middle of something) and then say "'I'll make my self one, shall I?" - then proceed with making coffee but never offers to make me one!

She is much better if I go to her house as then at least she will make coffee/lunch whatever and I can see to the children.

Do you see her struggling with other tasks in the same way? Could she just help a but with housework if not the children?

Show quote history

I feel a bit like this. Like there is an adult child in the house who needs helping. I do a lot of her computer admin as she can't do it as she's hopeless with technology and I don't mind but its hard not to get irritated when she's trying to hand me her laptop to read her emails when I'm in the middle of sorting DS out.

I don't want to ask her to do the housework as before when she would wash up (I didn't ask for this, she just did it) I kept finding all the plates and cups in the cupboard still dirty as she won't use washing up liquid. I would re wash them all and not say anything but after a few months I gently said "don't worry about washing up, I'll do it" which didn't work so I had to be more blunt and just said "when you're washing up the plates aren't actually getting cleaned properly so it's easier if I just do it otherwise I'm only getting them back out to clean". This was also brought up in the argument as she took it as me being picky and unfair. I don't mean to be, it's just irritating when I'm not asking for it to be done and then it's done anyway in a way I don't want.

OP posts:
TheCatterall · 01/12/2024 13:14

@CuttleFishBish Can you shunt redirect her off to a library with her laptop. Free WiFi, generally someone to help with simple tech things in some of them, might meet new people to chat to. in my area we also have community lounges, community centres etc that have open sessions, wifi, etc.

Suggest she gets volunteering somewhere as lots of places need help.

Suggest she gets wifi back as you’ll be starting to go out more in the mornings as you get busier prepping for Christmas?

Explain you love her but you’d like some time to yourself in your home so you can relax..

Yes she means well etc but she’ll drive you batty so get some boundaries and space sorted asap.

and if you don’t the reliance on you and being at yours will only increase over the coming years.

arcticpandas · 01/12/2024 13:47

@CuttleFishBish Seriously OP you've got enough on your plate to also deal with a helpless senior. I've got two aunties over 85 and they are perfectly capable to understand basic instructions and they use technology as well as I do so it's not about age. Either she's suffering from dementia, is cognitively impaired since birth or just plain out lazy/helpless. Whatever it is you do not have the time to deal with it since your children need you, especially your SN son. Can you get help elsewhere? Also, take your mum to the GP to have her checked and then get her internet working at her place so she can't use that as an excuse to come around every day.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 01/12/2024 14:14

@CuttleFishBish you do realise that we never had prep machines when out babies were small? just get her to do it the way she used to do it. I hope she isnt driving at all? make sure she has your address in her bag at all times because it really sounds like the onset of dementia to me and other pps/

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