Children need community

[theprincessthepea]

AIBU for thinking that children and young people thrive when they are in an environment where there are multiple people looking out for them and the responsibility doesn’t solely fall on mum and dad.

Yes, legally the parents are the primary caregivers and do a majority of the work. I’ve just noticed so many threads where people seem offended at the idea that some grandparents want to get as hands on as the parents sometimes when it comes to care, or the debate of childfree friends vs friends with children whereby as soon as you have kids nobody is interested.

I grew up in the 90s/00s and yes, my mum and dad were with me all the time, but we also spent a lot of time with other people - aunties, we were always at my mums friends houses, and there was a community of adults. In my neighbourhood I knew pretty much all the adults - who to stay away from and who would look out for us whilst we played out.

I find these days young people don’t have that in the same way. We are all in our little family bubbles with the internet. Not much interaction with other people because we are all busy - and being a child seems so stale when it’s that way.

I’ll add I have 2 kids - I had my daughter young - and yes this meant that I wasn’t out and about as much as my friends - but I was amazed at how involved they were and still are in my daughters life and my family are like second parents - I hated it at first but now that she is a teen (and I’m starting to annoy her haha!) it’s so nice to know that she has other adults that I trust, that she can be around.

I understand circumstances are different and we don’t all have the support we need but surly being part of a community is super important and can makes both your experience as a young person better and the experience of raising children more pleasant.

If I think about the summer holidays - our favourite moments are interacting with people.

Im not saying to dump our children with anyone and everyone either. Or to force people to be with kids as I get not everyone cares enough (or has to).

@UnrelatedTo I disagree. We have a wide circle of friends with children of similar ages. All of them have family help. They are all busy with work, and seeing their family! When we want to meet someone we have to schedule it weeks in advance (due to their schedules)

we live rurally and this makes a difference - there’s no pop to your neighbours house or kids playing in the street.

everyone is so busy, they are fairly limited in their capacity. When they work full time and have their grandparents filling in childcare, they aren’t going to be able to help in a pinch as they are not around.

Yes I agree. My boys grew up with cousins of a similar age, aunties, and my mum who adored her grandkids. They have many happy memories of their childhood.

I was thinking the other day that the modern university system is responsible for the fracturing of communities, with young people moving away and settling away from their nuclear families.

My religion/culture keeps people close together, and on the whole I feel like children and young people are happier.

Then you’re looking among the wrong people and/or living in the wrong place for what you need. Very few of our friends lived close to or even in the same country as their parents (DH and I are not from the UK, all our families were overseas). We had to make our own community everywhere we’ve ever lived, along with both working FT and paying for every minute of childcare. But my experience (in three different parts of England, and in other countries) is not generally of people living close to their parents, so it was never an expectation. Now that we live back in the vicinity of our parents, they’re too old/unwell to help out.

Yeah, that’s really not true. Poverty and needing to move to where there is more work or opportunity has moved a lot more people away from their families than university.

I think house prices play a huge role. I live in London....so many of my friends have moved away so they could buy a house. I had about 6/7 friends all living within a mile of me who have moved away to varying places.. it's quite sad really. No popping for a quick drink or coffee or bumping into each other in the supermarket anymore

@UnrelatedTo ok I’ll just move to a different random part of the country then shall I, in the hope of finding people who aren’t as busy? 🙄

let me guess, you’ve got older children and because “you coped” everyone else should?

We have one 12 year old. We only moved to a country where we had any family when he was eight, by which time our parents couldn’t help out.

Well, it probably also helped that neither of us had your clearly deep-seated anger about your family and ILs being ‘too selfish’ to be as engaged with your children as you would like. Imagine wanting to spend your retirement doing as you please!

And yes, absolutely, we’ve moved to other parts of the country, or to another country, to find somewhere that suited us better. That’s hardly an eccentric notion unless you’re forced to remain in one place.

Some very interesting points. Sorry I can’t tag people correctly as I’m using my phone and can’t switch between the pages.

My heart goes out to anyone that has experienced abuse or toxic parents. It is awful x

I’m responding to multiple points mentioned …

I don’t think a community is mythical - when I moved out of my parents house I lost all of my local networks. My ex became unreliable and it was just me and my daughter. I was working, doing the school run, taking her to classes and I just had to make it work around my timetable - nobody offered babysitting. It took about 2 years to make friends that I trusted and create a community. Which is really just friends, people and places you go to regularly. Friendships and communities are 2 way as someone posted - you have to put in what you want to get out visa versa.

I agree with the person that gave the childfree perspective. I’d say half my friendship circle are childfree - I don’t use my network for babysitting, but I appreciate all of the childfree people in my life that have hang out with me whilst my daughter has been around because I can’t get babysitting - and as she’s got older it’s been nice that she has been able to hear different world views. She’s so thoughtful and smart and an only child - I’d say a lot of it comes from spending time with adults.

Someone asked about when I had my daughter - I was 19 and although I was prepared to go at it alone I actually had lots of support from my family and partners family - maybe because we were young. Maybe because they were also younger and could help. I really struggled to embed myself in the wider community though as I was always the youngest mum. So my family became my main network.

. I had my second in my 30s and I’ve noticed I don’t have the same closeness with family - everyone’s busier - a few health issues with my mum - but I do have an amazing group of friends that I stay in touch with. I have a group of mums who we share the load with.

I agree having a "village" is great as far as kids are concerned. They can see how different homes/families work, improve social skills, learn how to be tolerant and much more outgoing.

I myself (1970s/80s) had grandparents, aunties, family friends, friend's mums all keep an eye on myself and my sister, reciprocated by my parents. Family holidays (with 15 cousins and all the adults) to Pontins or Spain made great memories. Days out to beaches and parks. Fab. It was a right mixed bag of ages, incomes and parental jobs.

My daughter has had the same - even more important IMO as she's an only child - she had to learn how to get along and squabble with cousins and resolve issues. Always had a pack of kids in each other's gardens during the summer and off to the park together when old enough - playing in house in smaller groups in winter. Have been fortunate to have great friends and relatives willing to babysit or host sleepovers.

Definitely makes kids more resilient and tolerant of other people's wants and needs.