Hi everyone,
I don't actually know why I'm writing this, perhaps for a rant. But I guess I'm writing this because I'm sad about parts of my life and I wanted a bit of advice.
I'm 49, both my parents didn't have the best lives growing up. They are still together but I think they would have been better off divorced.
My mum lost her mum when she was 8 and was brought up but her father and with her brother. I think her life changed dramatically then, she went through extreme sadness and loss. They didn't have much money as a family and I think she was bullied for this at school. I am also certain she has ADHd.
My dad is completely avoidant, I don't really 'know' my dad. He has good points, always provided for us as a family and looked after us. But he was a very angry man.
My mum is one of the most anxious people I have ever met, I'm surprised she gets up in the morning. It was awful growing up with a parent who was scared of so much. She did a great job of transferring all her anxieties onto both myself and my sister. It was that bad, that I would be so anxious travelling with my mum (she was scared of planes) that I would vomit. She convinced me we were going to die.
My parents relationship has always been a mess, very bad arguments sometimes abusive. I heard it all in my bed late at night. My dad used to call my mum all sorts of derogatory names in front of us as kids.
My sister developed childhood epilepsy. She was heavily sedated and naturally my parents had to focus on her. So whatever security or stability left in the pot was given to her. I grew up feeling not loved and became super independent. I think I decided the only person I could count on was myself.
As my sister grew into adolescence her behaviour became uncontrollable, she has huge melt downs screaming and shouting. She literally was nuts, she also became very manipulative and knew how to control my parents. She quickly became the favourite child due to all of her issues.
By my early 20's I made a quick exit and decided to move in with my boyfriend. I needed to get away from my family so I barely had any contact with them. This felt like peace at last.
But then fast forward to approximately 10 years ago, I became pregnant and the father of my child left me. I decided to go it alone. The only support I had was my families. I had consciously kept my distance to protect myself, but I had no choice as I needed help bringing up my DD. My parents were really supportive and did everything they could to help, including us moving in with them for a couple of years until I bought my own place.
But my parents are now elderly, my mum is 75 and dad 85. He has end stage Alzheimer's.
My mums anxiety and depression is worse now than ever. Because of my childhood I struggle to support her in the way she wants.
She is very needy, has no friends, and as a result expects both me and my sister to be their carers/entertainment.
I point blank refuse to be a carer, I'm too busy working full time and being a full time mum. I invite them over approximately once a week or we go out for little trips here and there. But my mums anxiety is awful. I've told her to get help, speak to a councillor but she refuses.
I dread calling her because every conversation is negative, all just health related. I'm currently ill with a standard cold, within minutes she's diagnosed that I have tonsillitis and need antibiotics which I don't need. I end up getting so annoyed with her which then upsets her. I find her anxiety so claustrophobic.
Christmas is a trigger for her, from mid November throughout to end of December she is a negative, anxious mess. She shouts of me rather than talks. So I've made a conscious decision to spend less time with her and call her less during this time as she drags me down.
I have a young child who still loves the magic of Christmas, I feel my mum is destroying this time of year and my feelings towards it.
I think my main feelings I have are anger, I've been through therapy to try and work through my childhood trauma. But the over riding thing I always come back to is an overwhelming feeling that my parents never tried to work on their problems. Instead I've had to live through their sh*t with them. I resent their choices to sweep things under the carpet. I think in our family I felt like the adult trying to be peace maker when they had huge arguments. I now don't want to be involved anymore. I just want a peaceful life.
As they are elderly I feel completely torn with my emotions.
Am I wrong in feeling like this?