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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH Expectations of Marriage

34 replies

stargazer1996 · 01/12/2024 06:17

Ok sorry for the long post but I would like some opinions if that’s ok. Open to all feedback.

My Husband (m30) and I (f28) have been together for over ten years. We have two kids together that are on the spectrum (both diagnosed with autism and adhd). We both work full time but I take on the majority of the tasks. I deal with the kids routines, including a looooong nighttime routine, and most of the housework as well as my full time job.

Since getting my kids diagnosed I see a lot of similarities in myself and I think i also have autism which I think is linked to some sensory issues I have.

This year has been very difficult for me, I lost a very close relative that I haven’t been able to get over and my kids symptoms seem to be at their peak and very draining.

My husband’s sex drive also seems to be at its peak and he is constantly asking for sex. I am going through confirmed hormonal imbalance which is affecting my libido as well as the mental drain from grief, my kids being full on all of the time as well as the usual day to day grind. By the end of the day I’m overstimulated and just don’t want to be
touched.

Ive tried explaining this to him but he’s busy or dismissive and walks away. He’s now put a two month time limit on our relationship that if I don’t change then I’m “out the door”. I just feel like this is adding even more pressure on top of what is already going on.

I’ve tried sitting him down and explaining my cycle (when I’m more likely to be in the mood for sex etc.) and the fact that I just want space in the evenings, no touching because I’m overstimulated but mornings are good for intimacy etc. but again he’s dismissive of this.

AIBU, should I change or is there a different way I can communicate this? Every time I try to talk about this he becomes defensive, doesn’t listen to what I’m saying and walks away.

OP posts:
TheSilkWorm · 01/12/2024 06:21

Why do you do all the parenting, all the housework and work full time?
If your husband wasn't such a lazy misogynist you might feel like jumping his bones more often. As it is, sex is just another of your household chores and no wonder you don't want to do it.

PeloMom · 01/12/2024 06:22

Go to a couple therapy- especially if you find a male therapist you click with- may be able to explain well and re frame things. Assuming your DH is prepared to listen and understand.
ETA- by explaining / reframing I mean that if he pulls his weight that will help; also that he needs to be understanding of what you’re going through etc.

romdowa · 01/12/2024 06:24

So he's threatening to make you homeless in order to pressure you into having sex when you don't want it? What a Prince

Apileofballyhoo · 01/12/2024 06:27

Tell him to do kids bedtime. He sounds very selfish.

Rainbow321 · 01/12/2024 06:27

If you don't want sex , then don't have it . If he's making you or coercing you , that's assault .
But if you do , and are happy to , just not when your knackered , could you set your alarms a little bit earlier and go for it in the morning .

BilboBlaggin · 01/12/2024 06:28

I'm sorry, he wants YOU to change?

You have tons going on here OP. You are doing far more than your fair share, while dealing with a hormonal imbalance. He's the one who should be changing, not leaving it all to you and then demanding sex on tap. I'd be countering his "time limit" by saying he either needs to attend couples counselling to balance the relationship better and discuss BOTH your needs, otherwise you're out. And mean it!

TheSilkWorm · 01/12/2024 06:38

Rainbow321 · 01/12/2024 06:27

If you don't want sex , then don't have it . If he's making you or coercing you , that's assault .
But if you do , and are happy to , just not when your knackered , could you set your alarms a little bit earlier and go for it in the morning .

She does all the parenting of two autistic kids, all the housework, works full time, has a sulky coercive husband demanding sex and your suggestion is deprive herself of sleep to do it in the mornings?? Are you for real?

user1492757084 · 01/12/2024 06:49

If you enjoy sex in the mornings then initiate sex then.
Say no later in the day.
Stick to your guns about that;you have valid reasons to be so tired.
Only have sex when you will enjoy it.

You could organise a romantc weekend away each month with just the two of you as well. To sustainably parent your high needs children for many years you need to employ tactics that give you regular breaks.

Ask, and be instructive until he is confident, your husband to help more with routine parenting of your children.
Every day doing helpful tasks, because he is their father.

Rainbow321 · 01/12/2024 06:58

@TheSilkWorm

If you read my message again , I said if she was happy too . If not , they obviously no .

DustyLee123 · 01/12/2024 07:00

Take control and tell him it’s over now, you’re not giving him the two months.

username247 · 01/12/2024 07:00

I'm never not shocked at the behaviour of some men on MN.

I can't believe he's told you to put out or leave.

Your whole relationship is imbalanced and he's acting like a Sultan. He expects you to work full time and contribute equally financially, plus take care of two SEN children, plus do all the housework, plus cater to him, plus put out when he demands.

What does he do exactly apart from issue ultimatums and dismiss you?

OP your relationship is over because he clearly despises you. He doesn't care about your grief or your exhaustion and he's not treating you like a human being.

Whatsitreallylike · 01/12/2024 07:01

Let him ‘walk out the door’! It doesn’t sound like he brings anything to the relationship except another person to worry about. Cut him loose and be happy

Heatherjayne1972 · 01/12/2024 07:05

What does he bring to the table?

or does he act like a single person , coming and going as he pleases expecting ‘mummy’ aka you to look after him and all his needs with no expectations on him ?

I think I’d also call his bluff and say it’s over now Why does he get to call the shots?

GoingRoundThatBlockAgain · 01/12/2024 07:06

TheSilkWorm · 01/12/2024 06:38

She does all the parenting of two autistic kids, all the housework, works full time, has a sulky coercive husband demanding sex and your suggestion is deprive herself of sleep to do it in the mornings?? Are you for real?

Show quote history

OP literally says mornings would be good for intimacy in her post. So yes, comment was ‘for real’.

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2024 07:07

He's not meeting expectations of marriage by doing half the work and making half the effort. It's not good enough

ThisWeeksGripe · 01/12/2024 07:18

First...
we both work full time but I take on the majority of the tasks. I deal with the kids routines, including a looooong nighttime routine, and most of the housework as well as my full time job
Why is this? Why have you allowed this pig to become the king of the castle, because he truly believes he reigns supreme and you all bow to him.

Demanding sex and being angry and stroppy when you dont get it isn't very seductive is it? He doesn't deserve see, so don't reward his disgusting behaviour.

Second, what's your housing situation? Do you rent or own, mortgage or not? You're married so even if the house is in his name he can't kick you out.

Seriously think about whether you want this relationship to continue. What does he bring to the table? Because from here it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Shadesofscarlett · 01/12/2024 07:21

don't wait 2 months - get the mysoginistic, entitled, sex pest out of the door now.

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 01/12/2024 07:22

Decent men don't behave this way

MagpiePi · 01/12/2024 07:27

I’d tell him that watching him pack his bags and walk out of the door would be the biggest turn on for you.

Honestly, you may have a lot going on in your life but I promise it will be far easier to cope with when you don’t have to give any more headspace to this lazy, selfish man-child.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 01/12/2024 07:31

I wouldn’t self diagnose and use autism terminology here as I think, in this situation, it invalidates very normal reactions.

You are doing most of the housework, childcare and working full time. Anyone would feel overwhelmed, stressed and resentful. That’s a completely typical response to inequality and too much responsibility/physical work.

It sounds like your husband is a waste of space quite frankly.

Dimpliy · 01/12/2024 07:45

Call his bluff and let him go. Sounds like he adds nothing to your life and you’re already a single mum.

So depressing that even gen X manchilds are like this.

Mog65 · 01/12/2024 07:48

Instead of leaving in 2 months, take yourself of for a night and let him deal with the kids. Maybe totally unrealistic. But what an arse!

Hoardasurass · 01/12/2024 08:05

@stargazer1996 I'm so sorry that your husband is a misogynistic lazy twat.
I'd be making a list of all the household and caring responsibilities that you have and then split it evenly into two lists then id sit him down and tell him that unless he starts doing everything on one of the lists immediately that you will be leaving him and then he will have to do everything on both lists and still won't get any sex because you and he will be divorcing. If he doesn't change leave him.

Onelifeonly · 01/12/2024 08:12

His expectations are unreasonable in every way. You should be a team - keeping a home and bringing up two children, especially those with additional needs, is hard work and he should have a equal role.

You both need therapy to establish how this should work. But it doesn't sound like he'd be open to it.

Topjoe19 · 01/12/2024 08:16

Bloody hell what a bastard.