Pathetic or Not?

[NevilleLong]

Feeling a little bit fed up. DH and I never seem to talk or do anything together.
I was watching TV upstairs tonight after making tea as he was watching football.
He came up to go to bed and mentioned about something that was on the TV about talking.
I said we never talk really. His reaction was in my opinion extreme. He said after 12 years conversations do dwindle out you know. Sorry that I don't talk to you all f@ckin day!
I did say, I forgot I'm not allowed to tell you how I feel. Then I started getting called pathetic and ridiculous and if I don't like it to leave.
He also said I sit upstairs watching tv all the time! Which I do of an evening, because he watched football, or people playing casino on the TV or plays on the Xbox.
He is unable to have a discussion without, in my opinion, a reaction rather than response or an adult conversation, he gets angry and shouts.
We are in the middle of getting a mortgage and I've gone to bed crying.
If I bring anything up about how I feel, I'm pathetic and ridiculous.
To me he can't have an adult conversation or regulate his emotions.
My friends have dwindled away since being married and I'm feeling a bit lonely.

"We are in the middle of getting a mortgage and I've gone to bed crying."

Sorry but you should be in the middle of getting a divorce.

Don't put up with any man's name-calling and anger!

Hello, not pathetic at all. We've been together 35, years, married 25,we talk, daily. Discuss the news, neighbours, garden, animals, kids. He would say I talk more than him,(a womans trait he would say) we don't agree on all the TV programmes we watch. If I am not interested in something, I will stay in the conservatory reading a book,he likes jigsaws,is doing one in the conservatory (not literally,he's gone to bed) and crosswords. A lot of people have said to me,get another TV, for another room,or the bedroom. Well, lucky there isn't room in there for one. I have friends with their own TV, even their own living rooms, sometimes there own bedrooms,no thanks. Do you have children,a job, hobbies?

Yes we both work and I have a child who he is a SD to.
We hardly converse at all. And all I was doing was expressing my feelings around that.

Wow. I would not get tied down with a mortgage to someone like this..speaking from experience and regret

I agree with the poster who says you should be going for a divorce not a mortgage.

There's no way on this earth I'd be buying a house with that fucker.

Give yourself an hour with a solicitor as the best Christmas present of your life.

Some people are married for 60+ years & still talk & love each other & do things together

Why are you getting a mortgage together if you are not a supportive team ?

Because our landlord was selling and I've been stuck in rented accommodation since I was a single mum in my 20's. Our landlord gave us the opportunity to buy.
This was my point. Couples do still have conversations everyday regardless how long they have been together.
He said well go on what don't want to fricken talk about!

It's not pathetic at all OP to expect to be able to have adult conversations with someone who is supposed to be your life partner.
It's not pathetic at all to expect to be able to talk about how you feel about things with someone who in theory is supposed to love and cherish you.
He is pathetic. And unpleasant. And unkind . And selfish.
I don't know where you go from here OP because if he refuses to have a conversation about your relationship then I don't see much chance of being able to improve it. It does sound as though you might as well be a single parent if there is no companionship and love in your marriage.

The thing is, this is going to end in divorce anyway so why get married in the first place? Can you imagine you both owning a place together and then splitting up? It would be an absolute nightmare.

He's talking crap op.

This is not a loving relationship and I've been married for much longer than 12years.

We are already married. Have been for 10 years.

He also said I sit upstairs watching tv all the time! Which I do of an evening, because he watched football, or people playing casino on the TV or plays on the Xbox

Have you ever suggested that the two of you do something other than watching television in your downtime? Occasionally go out for a walk instead or any enjoyable activity that is more conducive to conversation?

I've been with my husband for 35 years and we haven't run out of things to talk about. Vegging in front of the tv has its place, but it sounds like you two are avoiding each other. Maybe give some thought as to why that's the case.

I don’t think it is unreasonable to want to connect with your partner by talking, sharing feelings and communicating, That is how you understand each other. But by starting a conversation off with what he may have perceived as an accusation and expression of him not being good enough, it maybe put him on the defensive. Then it degenerated into swearing and acrimony.

Would it work better if you had responded to him raising the topic of talking with more curiosity about what he thought about the programme and just asked more questions so that it dies not come across as criticism? I totally agree with all need to be able to discuss like adults but it often closes down conversation if it feels like criticism rather than exploring how things are and how we want them to change. I would not tolerate someone swearing at me like that and I’m so sorry you are upset OP. Hope you can find a way forward when things are calmer.