To tell him this…or leave him wondering?

[Tinderflame]

Had a really lovely lunch date with a guy today. It was our 7th date and although we haven’t spoken about exclusivity etc, I could see we were edging towards it.

We did have a long discussion about dating apps and I said I hadn’t used them for a long time. Which is completely true. In fact, I met him on Tinder in 2023 and we reconnected after bumping into each other recently. I haven’t used any dating apps for months just because I’ve been busy and not dating.

When I was waiting for my bus home, we were looking at something on my phone together, and Tinder was on my suggested apps (for those without iPhones, this is basically where iPhones put your most frequently used apps).

He definitely saw. And although I may have imagined it, I think I felt a tiny energy shift after that.

The truth, though, is that I’d opened it a few times recently to show some friends his picture, and also to read through our early messages to recall some of what we said.

I’m concerned he’ll think I’ve lied though.

It’s not so much that I care if he thinks I’m dating other people (although I’m not), but rather just that he’ll think I was being dishonest when I said I hadn’t used Tinder for months.

Do I drop him a line to tell him? I definitely know him well enough to say it. We’re pretty open with each other.

or do I leave him wondering? Scarcity mindset, hard to get, in demand and whatnot.

I’d wait and see if he asks!

You can be my this up but not over a text. Wait till you see him face to face. Mind you, I am old bat who prefers to have serious conversations in person.

Personally I'd leave it, you don't owe anyone a justification and you just need to hope if it's a big enough deal for him he will ask you up front in a mature way rather than making it weird/ghosting.

I'd tell him

I would have said something in the moment. As it is, I’d just tell him face to face when you see him. As for wanting to be exclusive, dropping hints about dating apps is utterly pointless, just say it.

Lying is not scarcity. It's weird to bring it up now, would've been better to say it at the time. But if you do want exclusivity then it's a possible segue. Did you see tinder on my freq apps? Well it's because I was showing my friend your pics. I like you, do you want to see how it goes just seeing each other.
Personally I think after 7 dates it's a good point to decide if it's either a yes or no.

I‘m actually not quite sure if I’m ready for a conversation exclusivity. I would absolutely say it if I was. It’s heading that way for sure but not quite ready to formalise that.

The dating app conversation wasn’t intended to drop hints. We were just talking about the horrors of online dating.

I guess I’d have to have been there to get the subtext.

Seven dates over how much time? Maybe I missed that.

If you've date-blitzed and seen each other every day, for several days, then still having your dating app on your phone in the most recent apps is no biggie. If those seven dates have been spread out over, say, 2-3 months, then I'd look at it as you not being serious (and potentially using me for 'boredom fun').

I personally wouldn't mention it. It would come across like you're covering up something... like the "oh, you found underwear in my car? They were my sister's, I was helping her with her laundry" sorts of lies.

If he asks you for another date, you're in the clear. Don't think anything more of it.

Over about 4 weeks.

I'm an open book so I'd just say something personally. It's either going to be an issue or it's not, rip off the band aid and find out

I’d tell him (face to face, and soon - maybe a coffee date) that you were feeling sentimental and opened Tinder for the reasons you stated. Made you realise that you don’t want to be there anymore and would like to be exclusive.

If he agrees, delete your profile completely - screenshot his stuff if you want to keep it!

I think I would drop him a message and say something along the lines of "oh, by the way, I was rereading some of our original messages on tinder the other day. Did you ever <do that skydive/read War and Peace >? I meant to ask yesterday".

he’ll think I was being dishonest when I said I hadn’t used Tinder for months

Or he might think you opened the app to read old messages (ie what you actually did, and totally normal). Or that your settings aren't necessarily the most recent apps (mine aren't, Duolingo still pops up years after I last opened it). I think you imagined the energy shift and there's no reason for him to think anything about this. But honesty never hurts imo, and nor would a casual mention of opening Tinder to read old messages when you next see him.