To say this isn't normal ?

[ChicRaven]

Just a warning as this is perhaps not a thread for someone who is eating at the moment.

I'm worried about my aunt who is 64. It's almost certain that she has diabetes and high blood pressure but she refuses to get checked. But I am more worried about the following. Everytime I have been at her house, been on my period or had a reason to use her sanitary bin, I have noticed soiled (as in poo) pantyliners in the bin. She's the only one living there and rarely has visitors so can only be hers. I can only think it's her that has the issue and I know if I ask about it she will fob me off and say it is normal. I am not in that age group so don't know what to expect so am I unreasonable to say this is not normal and needs to be checked ? I'm worried something very serious is going on with her and she won't get checked.

No, it's definitely not normal. She's obviously got some sort of issue and needs to see her GP. Even if it's embarrassing.

I wouldn't say it's normal, no.

It's difficult though if she will not visit her doctor about her health - presumably she is of sound mind, so that makes it harder.

I suppose you could ring her GP and just explain that you are concerned about her- whether they would do anything, I don't know.

YANBU to be concerned but bowels can be a tricky thing when you get older. It may just be a sign of the way she is managing something intimate and nothing serious. If she is avoiding all health checks though, that is worrying but not really your business. If she’s a competent adult she will make her own decisions and unfortunately reap the consequences.

She very much is a head in the sand type person and just wouldn't pick up if the doctor called.
I'm worried it could be something really serious.

Which parent is your aunt a sibling to?
Are they around and able to chat with her?

Also, can you be sure it is not blood which has dried, rather than stool which might look similar.
I'd be more worried about that tbh.

I'd try to talk to another family member about it if there is anyone more your aunt's age. She might feel too "protective" of you to open up, or a loss of dignity, being younger than her, although you don't actually say by how much.

Fecal incontinance is more common than people realise even in younger people. It's quite hard to deal with and sanitary pads aren't great as it doesn't really soak up poo.

She definitely needs to see a doctor to get it checked out and if nothing serious, finds ways to manage it.

Must be hard to go out if struggling with this.

She's 64, not 94. Far too young to be having incontinence issues, so no it's not normal at all. I agree with the poster who suggested asking someone nearer her own age to persuade her to see a doctor.

Chat w her and ask if shes having tummy pain and hard poos. I know peoplw w constipation can get loose wet poo that umm slides past the hard poo in there.

I’ll tell that to my 40 year old self! There isn’t a minimum age for incontinence unfortunately.

Apologies if I sounded dogmatic, I know it can happen for all sorts of reasons at any age. What I meant was you can't assume that it is normal just because someone is older, and 64 is not particularly old. All the best to you!

I am 39 so not a young relative. I honestly don't think she would thank me for telling anyone else.
@Futurethinking2026 I assume you mean urine and if you had kids that makes sense. This is something very different. If you also have faecal incontinence at only 40 then that needs to be urgently checked unless there is an underlying condition there that you haven't mentioned?

Forget the fecal incontinence you’re saying you think she has diabetes but she refuses to get checked? And high blood pressure? What is that based on? That sounds more frightening to be honest, if you have genuine reasons for believing so. Diabetes can be extremely dangerous left untreated.
Fecal incontinence can happen to women after birth and often people are uncomfortable to discuss such issues. Why would she tell you if she was fecally incontinent?

She is constantly exhausted and dizzy. Gets clammy and faint for no reason.
High blood pressure been noted before by GP but she ignored it and never went back. Strong history of type 2 diabetes in the family.

It's really frustrating because I was worried enough about that but now there seems to be a whole other serious issue going on. I know it is anxiety inducing going to the GP but she takes burying her head in the sand to a whole different issue. She has also played down other family members serious health issues and it turned out that both had a disease (coeliac and lung cancer ). Thank god they didn't take any notice and went to get properly checked.
It's almost a child like approach. Very concerning.

It's her choice not to get help, ultimately.

Unfortunately there's nothing you can do OP.

I've had family like your Aunt and they'd prefer to die than seek treatment.

It doesn't really matter whether it is normal or not, tbh. This is your aunt's health and therefore it is a private matter to her. Nobody else has the right to interfere or tell her what they think she should do. Please just leave her be - she will make her own decisions.

Maybe the fecal incontinence is connected to her diet? Since she's possibly diabetic? Sorry I'm not an expert (can you tell?) but I know that when Ddog eats something that disagrees with her she gets the runs. Maybe you could frame it as about getting checked for diabetes.

@ChicRaven no unfortunately I don’t mean urine. I’ve had bowel issues for years, I don’t know exactly how long as I put off going to the doctor for so long. I’ve got a prolapsed bowel and practically no secondary pelvic floor muscles. I had surgery about 13 years ago for the prolapse (surgeon said I was the youngest person he had performed that surgery on) but since it’s failed again in the last few years. They can operate again but would be very reluctant to do it a third time so suggest I wait it out as long as possible. I’m now pretty much on my own. What I’m trying to say is it’s not a dangerous disease, it’s the most embarrassing condition ever. After lots of scans etc, no one can really help anyway.

As someone else said the most common cause of incontinence is actually constipation as the liquid stool leaks out past the blockage.