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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be sad that ex stopped seeing our child?

13 replies

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 13:26

Is it normal and reasonable to be sad about this or is it my fault?

My ex and I split when I was pregnant, he was never very helpful or reliable but did see our child on and off once they were born. We tried to get back together for a bit but it didn't work as I still felt like a single parent.

I was quite flexible when I was on mat leave, but when this ended I said we need more or a routine and regular days.

He didn't like this and just wanted to give a day or two notice to have our child when it suited him.

The communications between us arranging things broke down as he wouldn't commit to any routine. I told him I thought it would be best if we went to mediation and had some help hashing out the issues and getting a parenting agreement drawn up etc.

Instead of doing this he just totally cut contact and now doesn't see our child at all and hasn't for months.

He still pays maintenance.

I never wanted my child to lose their Dad.

AIBU to feel sad about this and blame myself?

OP posts:

Toomanysquishmallows · 30/11/2024 13:42

You are not being unreasonable! Please don’t blame yourself. My eldest who is 25 , hasn’t seen her “ Dad “ for 20 years and she is a happy and successful young woman. Sadly some men seem to be able to walk away from their children .

Theunamedcat · 30/11/2024 13:44

Don't blame yourself he will probably blame you and say you made it "difficult" for him but expecting routine with a small child is not a big ask

Original poster

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 18:45

I feel like now the erratic contact would have been better than her having no Dad at all, and it is because of me.

OP posts:

Sarah28x · 30/11/2024 18:51

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 18:45

I feel like now the erratic contact would have been better than her having no Dad at all, and it is because of me.

Believe me no contact is better, my son's dad was the same, we've been no contact for 5 years next month and my son is thriving, him dipping in and out of your child's life would do more harm than good, so sorry you're in this situation but don't blame yourself, remember you're the constant in your little ones life ❤️

Original poster

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 18:59

All I asked was for him to have her every other weekend, but he wanted to sometimes turn up 3 times in a week and then other times not see her for 3 weeks to a month.

If he could have done every other weekend I could have been flexible if he wanted to see her more, I just wanted him to commit to the basic and be reliable. He started the not turning up and cancelling when I put my foot down with regular days.

I just don't know what I tell her when she's older and yes he will probably tell people I've stopped him seeing her which I haven't at all, that thought also upsets me that people would think I'm a terrible person.

OP posts:

YesIReallyDidOK · 30/11/2024 19:27

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 18:59

All I asked was for him to have her every other weekend, but he wanted to sometimes turn up 3 times in a week and then other times not see her for 3 weeks to a month.

You can tell her that her father wouldn't commit to seeing her regularly, and stopped all contact when you insisted he parented her, because that is the truth. You haven't stopped him seeing her, this is his decision.

Honestly, I would guess there's other controlling behaviour from him and if that's the case, your child is much better off growing up not witnessing that.

Brainfogmcfogface · 30/11/2024 19:37

Speaking as someone who’s children’s dad drops in and out I can say I 100% wish I could cut contact, I can see the damage it’s doing to them and particularly my oldest with mood changes and how emotional she is about things, and their clingyness to me, I wish I’d insisted on a routine and let him slip away when he inevitably couldn’t stick to it, they adore their dad but his inconsistency and showing them how little they mean to him by going sometimes months without contact is so traumatic, you’re doing the right thing imo

WilfredsPies · 30/11/2024 19:41

Well, it depends. If he’s got other children from previous relationships that he doesn’t see, or he was showing all the signs of being feckless and irresponsible, but you still actively planned to have a family with him, then the question might be asked ‘what on earth did you think would happen?’

But she’s here now, and whether you were being incredibly daft, or he was the perfect partner and the pregnancy was unplanned, there is absolutely no point in blaming yourself. It won’t change anything and it’s not going to help you or you DD in the future. Ultimately, the decision to be a crap parent and to walk away was his alone, and if you’d gone along with this demand, there would have been some other reason that meant he went running for the hills.

All you can do is be honest and totally truthful with her, in an age appropriate way. You’re going to be the parent she depends and relies on, and that includes being truthful with her. You don’t know why he walked away but it wasn’t anything that she did because she is wonderful. This is on him. Not you, and certainly not her. If you’ve got any texts or emails between you, where you’re offering contact, or asking him when he wants to see her, I’d save them to show her when she’s older.

I’m quite sure that if he’s not outrightly blaming you, then he’s letting people think that you’ve stopped him seeing her. If he’s too much of a cowardly shit to be her dad, he’s not going to have the courage to be honest about it. But anyone important is going to know the truth and if they believe him, then their opinion is irrelevant. Let them think what they want; it won’t impact on you.

Original poster

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 20:02

@WilfredsPies he doesn't have children from any other relationships, this is his first. I'm not sure where you got that from.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2024 20:06

You’re not a terrible person, he is. You can’t just drop in and out of a child’s life when you feel like it. He’s a bit useless all round from what you say.

LittleTwiggy · 30/11/2024 20:13

YANBU to be sad but YABU to blame yourself. I think his last minute random visits are just confusing for a child. If he loved your child he would see them regardless, so your child is better off not having him in their life. I can never get my head around people that just abandon their children, I could never in a million years do that.

WilfredsPies · 01/12/2024 08:02

mmmy4 · 30/11/2024 20:02

@WilfredsPies he doesn't have children from any other relationships, this is his first. I'm not sure where you got that from.

No, I meant that IF he’d had other children, you could have foreseen that he was going to be a crap dad, and potentially have taken some of the blame. But as he doesn’t, you couldn’t have foreseen anything and have got nothing to blame yourself for. You absolutely did the right thing in asking for set days; it would have done her more harm than good to allow him to wander in and out of her life as he pleased.

jay55 · 01/12/2024 11:08

It was never about seeing the child, it was about controlling you. If he can't control you with his last minute demands, and constantly have you on the back foot waiting for one of his calls then the game isn't fun for him anymore.
You've not done anything wrong. You've not stopped him seeing the child. You've stopped him fucking with your mind and your child's mind.

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