My 12 year old son don’t want to go to the dentist

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So basically he needs to go to the dentist because he has ood shaped tooth and it has cracked so he needs it gone he doesn’t want the pain

oh trust me he hates the dentist

You're the parent.

What would you be saying if he didn't want to stop eating donuts, or if he didn't want to stop flooding the bathroom, or stealing, or he didn't want to stop battering old ladies in the street.

Most dentists now are aware people have fears, and treat accordingly, most treatments involve anaesthesia so his face may end up numb but no pain. even if you get a session with dentist where they explain the procedure and go ahead. It's not the dark ages where they grab and hold them down.

Very few people ‘want’ to go to the dentist. It isn’t a choice matter. What if he doesn’t ‘want’ to go to the school or doesn’t ‘want’ to wear shoes in public?

I know it isn’t I have told him he still doesn’t want to go

Luckily he’s 12 and doesn’t have much say in the matter.

What's your AIBU?

AIBU to take my son to the dentist even though he doesn't want to go? YANBU

AIBU to let my son suffer with toothache because he doesn't want to go to the dentist? YABU

good point by @malmi

what's your AIBU?

Does he want to get out of pain? If so his only choice is the dentist.
Children do not start off being afraid of the dentist, it's usually learnt behaviour from parents etc talking in front of them negatively. If a child goes every 6months from the age of one (which is what the NHS recommends) then they shouldn't have this fear. Too late for you now I realise. There is no choice - you need to take him.

My dd has dental phobia which started about that age with a cracked tooth.

So my advise is take it slowly. Bribery (what you'll do after as a treat/day off school if that's his line), threats (if it gets infected the pain is huge and then it will have to be done) and let the dentist know in advance that he's really nervous.

Depending on him, will be be better if everything is explained (like my ds) or nothing (like dd)? And let the dentist know.

It's taken over 10 years for dd to get over her phobia, and she isn't yet, but she is much better, mostly because the dentist has been brilliant, taking it slowly and letting her take the lead when possible.

I remember an early trip. The dentist said, "I can fill this now, or you can make another appointment and come back". She was out of the seat in a flash saying she'd come back.
I barred the way and told her she'd feel better for the next 5 minutes, but then would have a week (or longer) of dread and still have to do it. She did come back, and we managed to get her through it.
Would that work with him: tell him it will have to be done, and the waiting is the worst part?

It doesn't matter whether he wants to or not. You just make him go.

There was probably a time he didn't want to get in the bath or brush his teeth either, but he had to.
He's 12. He's going to the dentist. End of.

it's usually learnt behaviour from parents etc talking in front of them negatively. If a child goes every 6months from the age of one (which is what the NHS recommends) then they shouldn't have this fear.

Absolute rubbish.

All mine went from a year every 6 months.
One has dental phobia
One is totally indifferent
One finds it fascinating and loves going

The indifferent one has never had any treatment and the other two have. Until the one started the phobia they always went in together and saw the dentist together. Then she started going on her own because she needed the extra time to calm down.

And it's not the one who normally gets anxious/worried about such things that has the phobia. She's always been totally calm about such things which is why it caught me off-guard when she started it.

.

Once he has experienced the absolute agony of an abscess or an infection he will be begging for a dentist trust me. What he needs at age 12 is parental help to build his confidence, a sympathetic dentist to talk him through things. Not doing the right thing now could be terrible for him in later life.

Surely this isn’t his first experience of a dentist? Regular at least annual check ups are a must for any sensible person?

I am all for children having autonomy and building independence.

But this is health related it isn't negotiable. I would be very frank, acknowledge his fear and explain action now will prevent significant more pain or extraction.

I would reassure him where there is a choice in treatment he has a say. I would reassure him that while it may be uncomfortable the dentist can use numbing cream and medication for pain.

I would give him a little time to process and then crack on. I would also be very open with him about how proud of him articulating his wants but in this case it's a medical need.

This is a situation where it’s absolutely correct to say “be the parent”
Your DS needs to go the dentist. So take him to the dentist.

Hes 12.

Does he realise no-one really 'wants' to go? We go because the alternative is worse.

I am seriously dental phobic. Last month I hit a tooth infection which made my whole face swell and almost landed me in hospital.
Fortunately I found a lovely (private) dentist who treated me and this week took the tooth out. I had sedation. Is that an option for him if he needs an extraction? You have to pay but I honestly cannot recommend it enough!

Well women don't really relish the idea of smear tests but we do it for our future health!

My DS was reluctant until I told him I would rather go through childbirth again than have toothache because the pain is unbearable! He thinks I'm pretty strong so if I can't bare toothache then it must be bad!!

So try that or float the idea of eating soup for the rest of his days as he'll have no teeth to chew!!

I've had a very patchy relationship with dentists my entire adult life and having just had a week of 3 visits to the dentist filling two cracked teeth and a painful filling my only advice is for the love of god just rip the band aid off. Fixing these issues would have been much less traumatic and much cheaper if I'd not ignored the issue for so long

I actually showed my children what happens when you damage or lose an adult tooth and what the treatments are from a simple filling all the way through to the metal implant they have to put in the jaw bone to attach a fake tooth to. I wanted them to understand the importance of regular dentist appointments and caring for their teeth.

It was just photos and we have religiously gone to the dentist twice a year and they were in the chair from when they were old enough to sit up and had teeth. They have grandparents who have weak teeth and have seen bridges sat in a glass overnight in the bathroom when we have stayed over so talks came from that too.

This is one of those cases where the longer he leaves it the less options he has. It is a rare person who likes the dentist. For medical, dental my children have been told they have no choice, they can be scared but they have to do stuff scared otherwise they may never do anything or leave the house.

My 10 month old doesn't want to let me brush his teeth. Once we've worked through all the fun ways of trying I just do it whilst he is crying. Surely some things are non negotiable OP? Or should I just give up and let his teeth rot?

It's on the non negotiable list.
He doesn't have to like it but he has to go for his health. End of 🤷‍♀️

It is a little bit different holding a 10 month old to brush his teeth and taking a 12yo to the dentist. I'm sure the Op did that at 10 months.

I'd be pretty certain that the dentist would refuse to treat a wriggly 12yo held on mum's lap anyway.

My 11 year old also hates the dentist. The other 2 don't mind it so I'm not sure why. He is quite funny about certain textures so it could be this. I've told him tough luck. When he's 18 he can stop going. Until then, he goes when I say.

Not sure how I will physically manage this when he's 15/16/17 but that's a future battle!