Another family money one

[TheSummerHolidaysMakeMeCrazy]

This is a genuine AIBU as I'm really not sure.

I'm struggling with the split of finances between me & my husband and I'm hoping for some perspective.

I work part time and earn half what my husband does.

We keep separate finances but he sends me 50% of his income pw for our household bills.

He uses his "half" for his personal bills and his working money as he lives away M-F so pays for his food & expenses (not rent or anything, work cover that). We have 3 kids that I do everything for as he's gone M-F.

But I pay for absolutely everything for the house with of "his" half & my wage. My wage is contributed 100%, I feel he has his "half" to himself after his work expenses but I have to cover every other possible penny. Food, entertainment, birthdays, Christmas, savings, everything. His money is literally, his.

But I'm not sure if I'm wrong. Pooling money & splitting was dismissed by him, categorically.

But if I'm wrong, I'll accept it. Why does it piss me off so much?

Any insight?

Awful set up. You need a joint account for all joint expenses. Then work out what percentage you will both put in there. You both need to be left over with some disposable cash.

YANBU. You need to have a discussion about this and come to a solution that is fair.

You should have half of his half after his food & expenses (depending what they are, petrol yes)

Yeah, dreadful set up.

We have a joint account for joint expenses - bills, utilities, food.

We contribute a fixed amount based on the proportion of our salary to the joint household income - he puts in 60% of it, I put in 40%

The rest of our money is our own.

You should each be contributing proportionately.

How many hours do you work? Are your kids in school? Is there any suggestion from him that he isn't supportive of you working part time?

One (leaking) pot here. Only fair way.
You can then give yourselves the same amount of spends each month.

Both access joint account where his wage and yours goes. Within that account both contribute accordingly to various savings pots.
Christmas is the obvious one so he pays 200 a month you pay 70.
Same for all other pots, long term savings, short term, food, childcare, clubs and so on.

Both contribute accordingly.

Spilt personal free spending money equally.

Dh and I put everything into one pot for all bills and that would have included any expenses not covered by work whilst away. We were both left with the same amount of personal spends.

I wonder if your Dh is honest and open about his personal bills and what he spends whilst away? Is this an issue? Is he open about it or secretive?

Dh would sometimes take a lunch with him and sometimes have lunch "meetings" just chats with work colleagues whilst eating as there wasn't time in the day to do this. But I never had an issue with this because I understood the need so this all came out of the main pot.

It seems unfair that you do not have any money left for you and as a married couple, legally if you were to divorce you would be entitled to money not earned by you, ie his pension pot. You need an honest conversation about finances.

It pisses you off because all your domestic work is given zero value

if you split up you would probably be the same or better off

That doesn’t sound right at all, it should just be shared money for the household. I earn double what DH earns so cover a lot more of the outgoings than he does (including all the rent and big household bills), but when it comes to spending over the month we just use whichever card has the money on it. No questions asked.

This needs a rethink. There is no 'right' way but several which are better than the one you have.
You each need some money just for yourself and you both need to drop any idea that the children and house are basically your responsibility. They are not even though you are at home more.
You could add up the house + food + children (including birthdays and outings etc) + DH's food expenses per month + say 10% extra for contingencies, and both pay into a joint account each month to cover them. He should pay more because he earns more - say a 65/35 split. Then you each keep what remains for clothes, treats etc for yourself.

@TheSummerHolidaysMakeMeCrazy You need to sit down with a spreadsheet and write down ALL family out goings.

The money needs to be split according to earning rations e.g. he pays about two thirds and you pay a third. The outgoings should also include his costs while away.

When you are a family, and one person might be working fewer paid hours, or not going for promotions etc, because they are picking up 90% of the childcare and household tasks, then you are both contributing to the family equally.
As such, each of you should end up with equal 'spending money' / personal money.
To my mind the only way to do this is that all money coming in to the household (both wages, child benefit, plus any other income) goes into one pot, and you each get the same amount into your personal accounts each month by standing order.

If he can't get his head round that, then he needs to realise his salary would be erased by him paying for childcare for all the time he is away from home. The fact you are at home is saving him from paying out thousands of £££. If he doesn't think of you as a team, or equal partnership then he can put it on a business footing and he can pay you for all the childcare and housekeeping you provide for the family - you second job, in effect.

If he won’t pool money then you need a joint account all bills and house related stuff plus family presents, holidays etc come out off. And it’s done in proportion to salary so if he earns 50% more than you then he pays a higher proportion of the bills so him 2/3rds and you 1/3rd. That way you both get personal spending money to do what you want with

It’s the fact you are at home that allows him to be away for work. He needs to understand that and the fact it’s not fair all your money goes on the house and kids

We do similar.

I don't get all the proportional suggestions. All income into one pot and equal money out for both for discretionary spends. All children's costs out of the joint pot. Savings out of the joint pot.

I agree, I don’t understand this either. Why, when a couple are married and have kids, should one person have more personal money than the other? Many women ( and some men, no doubt) give up full time work to look after kids, while their other half’s career is able to take off as there’s someone at home to pick up the slack.

Since getting married, we’ve always just pooled our money. In my opinion, any other way just leads to someone (usually the woman) getting screwed over