Imposter syndrome

[impossibleimposter]

…I don’t have imposter syndrome, because I genuinely think I am an imposter and shouldn’t be in the job I’m in!

I’m late 30’s, so probably peri menopausal. I’ve got two full on DC, one with SEN, so my mental load is definitely high.

I’m in a public sector, middle level seniority role, my FTE salary is over £50k. I work 4 days. I was promoted in the last couple of years after a few attempts and knock backs at interview. So I’m very happy to be at my current level.

But honestly, I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. My area of work is quite complex, and some days I’m very busy, others I’m not. But even on my non busy days, I don’t have the motivation to try and get my head around the complex area of my role, because, to be honest, I could read and read this stuff but don’t understand it.

I just think I don’t have the ability, the care nor interest to really excel. I love the flexibility that my job brings (almost exclusively working from home) as it means even with our busy home life, I’ve generally got a bit of time to exercise and keep the house in a reasonably presentable state.

But I really hate not knowing what I’m doing, I am conscientious in work and ultimately want to do well. My current line manager is a bit rubbish (others have found the same) so I’m on the hunt for a lateral move, but he often asks me these questions which feel like a test, and I never know how to answer. I find it very hard to listen in boring meetings (boring because I don’t understand the content) and switch off without realising.

Is anyone else not suffering from imposter syndrome, but are actually imposters, like me??

Just realised there’s another post with identical title! Wish I could change it…!

Just here to provide sympathy.

A few years ago I felt the same. It wasn't imposter syndrome because I actually was shit.

Except I wasn't. And it eventually passed. Though I can't tell you how I got there.

But you have my sympathy. It's not just you that feels like this sometimes.

Love the username! Thank you. I do think I’m shit though. I could be concentrating now but I’m on mumsnet/scrolling.

I should just be bloody grateful that I’m in this role to be honest. I think my actual skills are limited to reactive admin type roles!

I could write the exact same thing myself right now.

I left work this morning in tears. I haven't been coping for a while. I'm trying to cling onto the idea that I've done this job for over a decade, I haven't suddenly become shit. It's more likely to be the change in management. But it feels like it is me. I don't see anyone else not coping.

And the same as you, I can't seem to actually do anything that would help. I'm frozen, doomscrolling instead.

I am actually in the GP waiting room right now. Feeling like a failure for even being here. I feel like I'm so inept.

Ha, I feel the same! I was actually discussing this with a friend recently. People might say I have imposter syndrome but what if I am just actually shit? I never feel like I know what I’m doing but I try to fake it. Then I wonder if everyone is just faking it too. What if no one actually knows what is going on?
Anyway, not sure I have any advice but I do sympathise!

It’s so hard isn’t it. I’m also guilty of doomscrolling to take my mind off it

I had this - and have recently done a sideways move which I'm hoping works out. Inmy case, sometimes it was imposter syndrome, and sometimes becuase i felt i really wasnt up to the job. But either way, it was getting to me so I've moved jobs.

I took solace in knowing that lots of people at this level feel like this sometimes. No-one knows everything, but as the senior person you're expected to give direction/ share knowledge etc. But as someone told me, it's about knowing how to find out how to do something - not necessarily knowing the answer straight away.

I have got my head into a space where I can accept that I'm not suited to every job at this level, and it's fine to move until you find the right fit. I do appreciate I'm in a fortunate position of being in a company big enough where sideways moves are possible.

@TiredOfBeingSh1t im really sorry to hear that but so glad you’re in the right place at the doctors now. Take care of yourself xx

Absolutely @Panichound . I’ve talked to friends about it and they all say oh imposter syndrome is so normal, so common etc. But…I actually don’t understand most of my job. My current team set up doesn’t help but I’ve been in fantastic teams before and still not grasped the depth of work that others at my current level and more senior do. I probably should have stayed at my last level but I was bored and didn’t want to be stuck at that level forever.

@Happycow I’m in Civil Service so definitely big enough and I will be looking for lateral moves, but I’m terrible at interviews so dread the thought!

I think a lot of people's attitudes is 'fake it till you make it'.
Not necessarily the best idea if you are conscientious. I feel I struggle sometimes because there are certain things I haven't been exposed to in my particular field. I know if I screen shot a process and did it once or twice I'd be find but sometimes its the way people explain (or don't explain very well) that leaves me struggling. And sometimes its because I lack motivation because there isn't much work and I think " to hell with it" although before I get to that stage I try and ask everyone to find me some work to do. Buts its hard scratching around for work all the time.

Are you in fact me? I am in a very similar position except I work full time, am at least ten years older and don't find any time to exercise (I know it would help if I did; my only excuse why I don't is fuck off). I think you probably are not actually an imposter.

If your job is roughly what I think it is, it's widely regarded as the absolute worst place to be professionally. Crushing levels of responsibility but no real decision making power, lots and lots of weird admin nobody understands and systems that work half the time at most. It can grind anyone down until you feel like you never do anything useful but I am sure you do.

Do you track your time? I've found it useful to keep a log of what I'm working on, using an online timesheet site. It's completely private to me but it reassures me I have not spent the whole day skiving. It only helps a tiny bit. I genuinely am working at a snails pace while multi failing at the moment because of anxiety, but it's not nothing. I think it's probably the same for you.

If you have worked in the civil service, you will know! I’m fairly new (2 years in) but was in a public sector role previously so it’s hardly as if I was used to the pace of the private sector.

Yes to the pointless admin, there’s an awful lot of time wasting doing things a very long and complicated way. Which I just can’t bear as it feels pointless. And when I question if I feel like I’m always proved wrong by more senior people.

But besides that, I still really don’t know my subject area at all. I think I need to find a lateral role where I find it interesting, and then maybe, just maybe, I will be a bit less shit.

Thanks for the timesheet suggestion, that’s a good one.

I had massive imposter syndrome in my role which hit at a certain point. In my previous role I was shit hot and incredibly good at what I was doing (doing the same thing, one step down but in the same profession - think project management assistant with a move up to project manager).

I hit the ground running with a great manager who couldn't sing my praises highly enough. Then slowly but surely I was "making lots of mistakes" and "not paying attention" and my manager was "doing all the work". In the end it was so bad I lined up another job with less pay just to get out. The almost nail in the coffin was when she wrote a really scathing mid year performance review right as a new manager was coming in and she got to swab off on maternity leave.

It's now backfired on her in her absence though, as since she left I have had absolutely nothing but praise about how me and the new boss have improved things and even got put up for an award. Meanwhile people have been commenting that she was clearly out of her depth and overwhelmed, and she projected that on to me instead of seeking support and trying to work at it as a team.

Sometimes it's not you. Sometimes it's the people around you or the people managing you.

Grade 7?

Why not move down to role you were in before that you liked and let someone else have job that can do it. Especially if you’re in public sector

It takes a longtime to get comfortable with a new job, it’s too me two years. Ever heard the saying ‘if you’re comfortable with the job from the start it isn’t the right job for you’ I agree with this hugely. I also believe in fake it until you make it, it takes you out your comfort zone but eventually you end up comfortable. This is coming from an introverted leader in a role I never thought I’d ever do.

My line manager really hasn’t helped the situation. Whilst they’re willing to talk things through, their communication isn’t the best, they tend to monologue talk at me, they are very institutionalised whereas I’d like to keep things innovative.

@EsmeSusanOgg how did you guess!!!

@impossibleimposter just a suspicion. There seems so much variance across the Civil Service, but generally G7 is considered the big step-up in responsibility. But some G7 roles seem harder than others.