To want to make sense of this? TW childhood abuse

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

I’m trying to make sense of a pattern that I’ve noticed.

I was groomed and abused as a child and also lived in a violent household. On reflection Christmas should be a happy memory. Usually no violence on Christmas Day and abuser was pretending to be a decent human to his wife and children so no abuse either.

However as an adult I find myself spiralling every Christmas. I have health anxiety anyway but around Christmas the anxiety goes mental and I don’t know why. I find myself needing to see the GP all of the time and find I can’t regulate my worrying at all. My birthdays are the same.

Does anyone know why this might be? I want to stop it as it means I hate Christmas and birthdays as I can feel the dread coming. With DC now I want to be more joyous around Christmas!

Gosh, I don't know but I'll take a guess. You learned to associate Christmas with pretend play. It's destabilising as you feel you can never take anything at face value which creates mistrust presenting as health anxiety (i.e. you literally cannot trust your body and need external verification from your GP that your bodily experiences are consistent with reality).
How does it sound as a theory?

Thank you. Yes could be. I’m so desperate to change this pattern and enjoy Christmas with DC!

I think this hits the nail on the head, OP. I also grew up in a volatile and abusive household; Christmas and birthdays were "special days" and everything was a forced calm. I realised growing up that I'm similarly anxious around these occasions because it was all a fallacy and the aggression could (and often did in the form of passive aggression) begin at any time.

Sorry you're feeling this way, it's very tough trying to navigate adulthood and parenthood after childhoods like this.