To feel really really guilty for my children....... Moving

[KimDianeCraig]

Hi!
We move homes on Saturday, 3dc's (6,11and 14) It's back to where we are originally from.
My parents live there.

I've absolutely hated living where we do. I've tried to like it. I just don't
I've found it very hard to make friends I'm lonely. It's 70 miles from my parents.
We do have older children of university age, they decided when they left school they wanted to go back I don't think they liked it either and lived with their Grandparents (my parents)

Their last day is tomorrow (the 3dc's)
But
I feel so so incredibly guilty, gutted for them and selfish.
Am I being unreasonable?

I hope the post made some sense
And thank you for getting this far

You day your kids are happy to move so whats the problem?

Or is it your older kids are happy but the younger ones aren't?

Well it's prob quite hard for the 11 and 14yr old. 6yr old in primary less tricky I expect. How do they feel about it?

The older ones are thriving and love it, it's where they grew up. They attended secondary school here but never really liked it.
First opportunity they had to go and they ran!
They are really excited to have their siblings and parents home

Yes and what about the 6yr old, 11 Yr old and 14yr old? This is the important bit of the question...not the university age children who already moved back some time ago of their own volition.

You’re not going to cancel the move, so not point feeling too guilty.

offer as much support as you can to the teens, maybe a touch of spoiling/extra treats. They’ll be resilient and make new friends.

At most be extra helpful when it comes to them socialising, with lifts or hosting, weekends out etc.

hopefully they enjoy being near the extended family and can keep up with mates via phones and group chats etc

@Valhalla17 It's the 11yr old I'm mostly gutted for, but she was transitioning into year 7 in September anyway.
14yr old is perfectly happy but I don't think he's quite sure what he's in for

I hope you're right about the 6yr old she's really excited to see her older siblings

It probably will be very tough for the 11yo and the 14yo, but the decision is made now and life isn't always fair. I presume that you considered all of the options before making the decision, and this is what you concluded was best. No point in feeling guilty about it at this stage. Better to focus all of your energies on supporting them through the transition and helping to make it easier for them. They might well be very unhappy about it, but they will adapt and survive. They might even find some positives.

@beAsensible1 yes I'm sure they will definitely keep up with friends via group chat!

You post was helpful! Thank you!

I don’t understand what you mean ‘he doesn’t know what he’s in for’ if his parents are happy and the rest of the family are happy, and it’s a better place to live then it’s the right move.

it’s good news. Nobody likes upheaval but if it’s the right move then things should flow easier.

Best wishes x x

Ah well that sounds promising OP. Sounds like they'll be fine and will settle in nicely.

11yr old will have only been in secondary a short while, so friendship groups will still be forming in the new school etc...she will be fine. They will find new mates and find their place.

They'll all just need some extra tlc over the next few months and having Xmas break soon will really help. I'm sure it's going to be lovely if everyone is together and close by in the same place for Xmas and it's a fresh start in Jan. Don't feel guilty, any short term pain sounds worth it.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves It really was the best option. And there are lots of opportunities when we go back.
I'm certain they'll find positives!

No need to feel guilty then!

Yes! The Christmas break, I'm hoping will help. We will all spend it together and the kids are excited about that (that's just the older ones)
Nobody has to worry about missing the last train or the Taxis being late as all the transport links are on the doorstep

I can absolutely relate to your guilt. We moved home about 3 years ago for no reason other than we thought we’d have a better quality of life and liked another part of the country more. All my children were primary age, but were settled and happy at their school and I felt an immense guilt on moving them at the possibility that we could be happier.
my eldest struggled the most - they had only a couple of years of primary left and so although the kids were nice there were some very set friendship groups that they struggled to break into. My younger ones were sad to leave friends but generally ok.

3 years on my kids are all very happy - enjoying their school, enjoying the new hobbies we have access to since our move etc. It does take time, and my guilt at moving them didn’t disappear straight away.
just keep in mind that you are doing this for a reason - the belief that you as a family will be happier in this new place! And put your all into helping them settle - new clubs, social events whatever.
best of luck with the move, you’re doing what you believe is best so don’t keep beating yourself up.

Sounds like you have a very good reason to move. I hope you'll all be very happy. In terms of the kids, I'd say just be honest with them that they will not stay in touch with friends or if they do it won't be the same. Don't try to sell it to them as nothing changing - better if they understand that they are leaving now and their friends will move on without them (sorry if that sounds harsh but I think parents doing the whole 'oh you'll keep in touch thing' ends up in hurt longer term).

Moving kids of 11 and 14 will be hard for them, particularly if they've spent most of their lives where you currently live. The 6 year old not so much, they are young and haven't built up solid friendship groups like their older siblings will have. The children who have left home moving back there is irrelevant, especially as they clearly spent a good deal of time living in the area previously (maybe the next two will move back to the area you live in now when their old enough for the same reason, have you considerd that?) As you're not going to cancel the move the best you can do is support your children to embrace their new life while remaining connected to their current friends if that's what they want. Be prepared for it to perhaps be difficult for them, and don't resent them if it is.

This is based on personal experience of moving aged 6 and aged 13, hundreds of miles each time. The first move wasn't an issue, the second was essentially life changing. I made friends but never thought of the area as 'home', and didn't feel like I belonged there. I couldn't wait to move away. On the flip side, I was never afraid to move around for work and have been successful in my career as a result.
But when people ask where I'm from, I don't really have an answer. That sort of thing is part of a person's identity. It's also a large part of why I am determined not to move while DS is school age, despite job opportunities elsewhere. I feel it's important that he has roots somewhere and that he can feels he 'belongs' in the town he calls home. He may choose to leave when he's older, but at least that'll be his choice.

That said, I hope you are all happy in your new home and your children adjust well.

Absolutely not, for your children to thrive & be happy you have to be happy to! Having your family and older children near by will be brilliant for all of you. We always doubt ourselves when making big decisions but I imagine this will work out to be brilliant for all of you ! Best of luck x

I find when you move house you reflect on a lot. It's a big transition and change for everyone and you find yourself dredging up feelings about things and second guessing. I felt terribly guilty moving from the first house my daughter lived in, even though I knew a move in location was the best thing for us all. Your kids will be fine! They're more adaptable than us 😊

I moved when my kids were 8 and 10 - they were DEVASTATED - it was horrendous - but you know what. - 2 years on they are absolutely fine! the 10 year old went into year 7 and has a completely new life here, loads of friends, sports, clubs - that would have all shifted in year 7 in the old place as well.

For the first week there were many tears - my youngest is autistic and making new friends was very very hard - but again - even she is fine! She has a lovely group of mates now.

Kids can handle a move - you will be fine - accept the bumps/ tears that will happen and just believe in your decisions.

and yes as others said moving is big - your home, your base, your own day to day friendships/ relationships/ knowing people in the street/ at the school gate - it is all pulled away. It's huge and will take you several months to feel calm again probably.

Serial house mover here ! 4 of ours are also SEN.we’ve moved for better area, safer, bigger house etc. our 13 yr old finds it really tricky, and first 6 months are rough but they are all thriving !
kids need a happy mum ! Deep breath and go for it x

I think I would have waited until 11 year old finished primary school. 6 year old should be fine and if your 14 year old is excited then I’m sure they will be fine.

I’d love to know where you’ve been living and where you’re moving back to! 😊

My family moved (South Wales to Southeast England) when I was 14. It look a bit of adjustment, but ultimately I was fine. I think it taught me how to be adaptable.