To be annoyed with DH

[RavenBoys]

DH and I have two children. I breastfed our eldest until he was 1 and am currently breastfeeding our infant. DH works long hours and I’m on mat leave, so mainly have them alone. DH went for work drinks and when he got home he had dinner whilst I did bath and bed with our eldest. When DH finished his dinner I took a moment to stare mindlessly at my phone to decompress a bit and DH picked up the baby who then became fussy. DH said, “I can’t settle him, do you think he’s hungry?” I said, “Yes, he probably is hungry.” DH then said, “Well, when was he last fed?”

For some reason, this comment instantly irritated me. The baby wasn’t crying but grizzling and squirming, so I had a couple of minutes to get back into a mum headspace. I felt like it was a bit of a controlling comment and I explained that it was my body and he really didn’t need to get involved in any part of breastfeeding, including when I did it. Neither child has ever been left to be hungry and they are both healthy. He got defensive, so I said we should just stop talking about it.

I have PND so I know I’m more sensitive and irritable than usual and also have a lot of anxiety around not feeling like a good mum, so it could have been a normal comment and and I’ve overreacted. Just need a bit of sensible insight please.

I think that you might be reading more into it than he intended. I really don't think he means to criticise, more just wondering if the baby was truly hungry or grizzly because they were tired. I suspect that your partner doesn't actually know that much about breastfeeding himself and may be trying to understand more by asking questions.

I breastfeed both of mine for the first two years and babies go through periods where they are more hungry than at others. Also the composition of your breast milk also changes. So there's many factors in how often a baby will want to be fed. We found it best to be guided by the baby rather than any specific timing but I know that others prefer the predictable nature of a routine and it works for them.
Every mum gets tired and emotional at times with a young baby and I know I found having two kids to care for, more tiring than just one. You can't catch up with sleep because you still have the other child to look after. I'm sure you are doing a great job. If you are feeling low with the PND do try to ask for help from the GP. You deserve to be supported too!

I completely understand how triggering those kinds of comments can be—trust me, I’ve been there. That said, sometimes it’s worth considering whether it’s best to just let it go for your own peace of mind. Picking your battles is so important. Men often don’t think the way we do, and while it’s frustrating when he walks in after being out all day while you’ve been with the kids, you’ve already expressed how you feel. For your own stress levels, it might be best to leave it at that and move forward.

Yes you're overreacting.

He asked a totally normal question

It wasn’t a dig, it was a completely normal question.

He wanted to know as if baby was fed ten minutes ago he's probably not hungry. If it was two or more hours he probably is. Don't look for problems that aren't there otherwise you'll have more serious ones.

Kindly I think you over reacted. A dad asking when a child was last fed is not controlling and you basically told him its none of his business about his own child.

Sorry OP I agree you have over reacted a bit here. Sounds like he was just trying to help problem solve and see if perhaps baby could be a bit hungry again but in no way do I see this as trying to control you/your body

I also understand you are the one breastfeeding but I don't think it's reasonable to say that your DH should have no involvement at all in how and when your child is fed. Of course he can't dictate this but I wouldn't be completely shutting him out the process.

Just to clarify, when he initially asked if he was hungry that wasn’t a problem, it was the asking how long since the last feed after I’d acknowledged that he was likely hungry and needed to be fed.

Thanks for the reality check though. I did think I may BU. He’s a very lovely husband and father and I’m honestly not looking for problems, just finding it hard to be objective about how I’m feeling at the moment. We’ve not discussed it further and I didn’t intend to. I am being supported with the PND, so hopefully I can move out of feeling like this.

If you are caring for a grizzly baby, then the first thing you do is consider their normal needs. Fed? Clean? Burped?

If you prevent him doing this, because you won't tell him about feeding or burping, then in reality he doesn't know whether baby's cries are that or something else. If he can't know that, then he can't know whether he needs to look at other reasons for the crying... without this, he can't look after the child properly!

There's nothing really wrong with asking how long since the last feed either it's perfectly normal OP.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with PND and I hope you are getting as much support as possible. It's really hard not to let it consume you and over think things like these and can understand why you are feeling this way.
Discussing it wouldn't hurt though, I imagine he is supporting you also through this?

I think in general people hear a crying baby and immediately think it's hungry... Except my ex mil who would never acknowledge ds needed fed and she had to hand him back....

Thanks. I’m usually very level-headed and finding it very difficult not being able to trust how I’m feeling. He is supporting as well as he can but I think because I’m presenting as coping well he does forget sometimes that I’m struggling internally.

It was a fair question but equally - man walks in from work drinks and starts asking questions and not necessarily helpful - yes that would piss me off too!

So he swanned in after drinks when you’ve had both little ones all day, and with PND, yet sorts out his dinner and lets you carry on with looking after them both? That’s not fair. It’s no surprise that you find what he says as criticism.

He asked a really normal, inoffensive question. It sounds like you're being hyper-sensitive and paranoid and reading too much into things.

I think you also need to remember that your DH is your baby's dad. No, your DH obviously can't involved in breastfeeding, but that doesn't mean he can't take an interest. It's a massive element of the baby's life and your DH is the baby's parent just as much as you are, and loves the baby and cares about his welfare as much as you do and worries about him like any other parent would. You can't exclude him from any conversation about the baby's feeding just because the feeding happens to be breastfeeding.

This my friend is called subconscious resentment! He still seems to be living a kids free life whilst you are thrown in deep. Try talking about it and finding a solution. Something like, a catch up with your friends whilst he looks after the kids will restore some sense of balance.

DH said, “I can’t settle him, do you think he’s hungry?” I said, “Yes, he probably is hungry.” DH then said, “Well, when was he last fed?”

He wanted precise info, so he knew whether to persist in trying to settle the baby or not, you wanted a break for a few minutes, knowing your baby wasn’t starving. I can imagine how that might result in nether of you getting the other’s perspective, but unless it was said aggressively, I don’t think he was questioning your capability as a mother!

He cooked dinner enough for both of you to eat, plus extra for your lunch tomorrow... right?

I think this is actually a really good summary of the situation, thank you.

No, I ate with DC before he got home.

It will get easier and it's quite distressing to feel unlike your usual self. It's an awful thing to not be sure if the way you are feeling is "right" or not. Telling your partner how you feel gives them the opportunity to understand, especially if you can give them ideas for how they can help you. Many people don't understand mental health because they can't see something. If you had a broken leg, he'd know you need help if you were walking in obvious pain but there's no obvious clue like that with PND.
There's also the added internal thoughts of "I can't be a good mum because I have PND" which isn't true. You are a good caring mum who just happens to have PND. Be kind to yourself. We are so much more harsh to ourselves than we would be if it were someone else.

Thank you so much for this.