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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DD having music lesson with lodger at teacher's house

34 replies

Tinkletinkletree · 27/11/2024 20:36

Really not sure if I'm being overly sensitive here. My DD (8) has a music lesson each week and the teacher comes to our house. With the colder weather she's decided to teach from her home. I'm a bit put out by having to travel as my other children have clubs etc and we deliberately choose a teacher who came to us for convenience but willing to give it a try as it is temporary.
I've since found out she has a lodger who will be present when DD is there. The teacher can't understand why I'm uncomfortable with the arrangement which makes me wonder if I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Lifeglowup · 27/11/2024 20:37

Surely the teacher will be supervising her at all times?

Circumferences · 27/11/2024 20:38

Presumably they aren't listening in or hanging around watching I don't see what difference it makes

Icanttakethisanymore · 27/11/2024 20:38

Where will you be? The lodger will be in their room presumably? Not sat in the same room?

T4phage · 27/11/2024 20:40

Why would a lodger represent a threat? Why would the teacher leave your dd alone with a lodger?

batsandeggs · 27/11/2024 20:41

I’m not sure the difference between it being a lodger and just a family member or whatever. Point being, surely they won’t be around for the lesson and presumably no one will really know any different.

You’re within your rights to be frustrated that the location of the lessons has changed because you purposely chose someone who could travel to you, and to me that would be a reasonable justification for seeking out another teacher. The lodger seems like a non issue though - what’s the problem?

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 27/11/2024 20:41

When I was young and had lessons, my mum would always be there. Are you dropping and going? Won't that be annoying if they only have 30-60mins?

I'm not sure about the lodger situation. As others said, surely your daughter will be with the teacher the whole time? Have you checked out your teachers DBS?

HeadacheEarthquake · 27/11/2024 20:42

I used to be a private music teacher full time and still have a small studio

How does the weather affect her not being able to travel to you...

The ones I visit I still visit in the snow - the ones that come to me still come to me in the snow

Unless it is dangerous, then lesson may be postponed. The location shouldn't change. That is truly odd.

Createausername1970 · 27/11/2024 20:43

I understand you want to keep your child safe, but I do think this is a bit over thinking things as far as the lodger is concerned.

But your other reason - you have to go there now, when you specifically found someone who would come to you - is perfectly valid reason to find another teacher.

Original poster
Tinkletinkletree · 27/11/2024 20:49

I'd have to drop off as I have to drop off to other clubs. Usually DH would be working from home during the lesson.

OP posts:
Skepticgal · 27/11/2024 20:49

You might feel safer having the lessons at your house, that makes sense. If you trust the teacher though, don't you trust her/ him to keep your child safe?

Noodlesnotstrudels · 27/11/2024 20:51

Does the teacher's DBS allow for her to see children in her home? From vague recollection, there is a separate part to apply under if you are seeing children in your own home (although it's been a while since I updated mine).

cgwmtl · 27/11/2024 20:51

I don't know what the issue with the lodger is. The teacher will be present all the time. The lodger will most likely be in their room, not hanging around watching music lessons.
I wonder if you are trying to use the lodger thing as a reason to object to having to take the child to the teacher and it's leverage to persuade the teacher to stick to the old arrangement.

If you don't want/aren't able to drive to the teacher's house then tell her that the lessons will have to stop and find another teacher.

FavourCraver · 27/11/2024 20:51

Sorry - but I know too many people that have been abused by music teachers. Be very very cautious.

justasmalltownmum · 27/11/2024 20:53

I would find a new teacher that can come to my home.

comedycentral · 27/11/2024 20:54

Any adult living at the address of a childminder needs a DBS check, but I'm not sure how it works for music teachers. If the arrangements don't work out, you might have to think about a new teacher.

Morefibreplease · 27/11/2024 20:54

I don’t see the lodger as a massive problem per se if you’d originally agreed to go their house as most people do live with others, but I see the main issue is the fact this tutor has changed the terms of your agreement.

She may have (in her eyes) good reasons for it, but it’s quite a significant change to go from travelling to your students house to expecting them to come to yours.

I would cut my losses and bow out now - find someone who will agree to come to yours and make it clear if they change the arrangement to you having to travel to their house you wouldn’t be able to continue.

You’re a paying customer, if you’re not happy - take your money elsewhere.

GritGoes4th · 27/11/2024 20:54

Yanbu.

  1. The change in venue for no good reason would be enough to make me change teachers.
  1. No, you shouldn't drop your 8-year-old off in a house with a person you know nothing about. I assume the teacher has an up-to-date DBS - does the lodger? What are the safeguarding procedures that the teacher has put in place?
  1. None of point 2 would be an issue if the teacher had not changed the venue. Find a new teacher.
Hazeby · 27/11/2024 20:54

Frankly, I think she’s taking the piss to suddenly decide everyone has to come to her. That’s not the basis on which you entered into an agreement with her.

I would say to her that your DD will take a hiatus and restart lessons once the weather warms up. And expect her to keep the place open.

WinterUnder · 27/11/2024 20:56

Yanbu, my dc do music lessons at home. I wouldn't be dropping my child off anywhere with just them and another adult. Clubs are different as there are many people about but this set up wouldn't be ok with me.

BeMintBee · 27/11/2024 20:57

I wouldn’t be happy about the change either. If you can’t stay then I’d look for another teacher who can come to you.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 27/11/2024 21:04

FavourCraver · 27/11/2024 20:51

Sorry - but I know too many people that have been abused by music teachers. Be very very cautious.

Not my DC, but I am also aware of others. I would also not be that comfortable. Can you find another time where at least you or DH can stay for the lesson. The introduction of an unknown lodger is not ideal.

Catza · 27/11/2024 21:06

What’s the concern here exactly? The lodger doesn’t need to have DBS. Nobody does unless they are working with children unsupervised.
If you find dropping him off inconvenient, that’s another matter and you can find a different teacher. But a lodger is not an inherent. I am not even sure how you found out they are there.

Original poster
Tinkletinkletree · 27/11/2024 21:07

I trust the teacher and we've known her for a few years. She struggles getting about in the cold as she has bad arthritis. I think hiatus might be the best way forward.

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 27/11/2024 21:07

Hazeby · 27/11/2024 20:54

Frankly, I think she’s taking the piss to suddenly decide everyone has to come to her. That’s not the basis on which you entered into an agreement with her.

I would say to her that your DD will take a hiatus and restart lessons once the weather warms up. And expect her to keep the place open.

Edited

You can't "expect" a teacher to keep a place open unless you are paying for it. You can ask ... but you and the teacher can both ask for things and can both say No.

Alstation · 27/11/2024 21:07

You can't control her changing the venue or who else is in her home, you can only control whether you take your business elsewhere. She's changed her terms, which she's at liberty to do - you can only say yes or no.

I don't think the lodger in themselves would worry me - there is no reason for your daughter even to see them. But as a whole the arrangement sounds like it doesn't work for you.