AIBU to think that I’m not a counsellor to offload to?

[IAmNotACounsellor]

I need to find a new way of working and I’m looking for tips.

I work in a people facing role. I work hard, I’m professional (usually) and I go the extra mile. I get paid minimum wage. I’m underpaid, and overworked as we are short staffed.

I could leave of course, but the hours and other things make this a very reliable and convenient job for me and the other things I’ve got going on in my life. It’s not my main gig.

I need to find a way of working that is professional, but also has boundaries.

So, for example someone complained about my attitude yesterday because I didn’t stand there massaging their ego for an hour. I did my job professionally, but he wanted to tell me his life story. I was busy, and had other people to deal with. I wasn’t rude, I just didn’t have the time to listen to him, and he was basically bragging about his life.

For some reason I find people telling me their life stories. I’m not sure if I’ve got one of those faces. Usually it’s men, they are the worst, and they get upset if I don’t give them my undivided attention. I once left a company and one of the employees got my number and called me up for a moan for an hour when I was on holiday.

I’m trying to not be a counsellor, someone to offload to in my job, but I think I’ve veered off course into rude. I was coming home stressed and tired, and something had to give. I just want to do my job very professionally, but have boundaries where I’m not expected to absorb Joe Publics personal problems. Yesterday, I listened but gave no responses, and then the customer got angry with me.

Any tips on creating boundaries with the general public/ customers so you can do your job well, without all the emotional hoovering up? Plus, AIBU? If I wanted to be a counsellor, I’d be charging £70 an hour.

It depends what your job is. I’d it one where customers can reasonably expect a high level of personal service or not?

It is rude to give no response when people are talking to you. Can’t you be polite without letting other peoples problems stress you?

Are you stuck in one place like a till/service desk or cam you walk away from them? You need some phrases to wrap up the conversation, but it's difficult to advise without knowing what sort of service you are providing

What do you do?

“Is it helpful to go into the whole story right now?”

”As we reach the final five minutes of our appointment, I just need to…”

”thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to just interrupt you to point out that It’s not something I’m qualified to deal with, but I can signpost you to…”

depending on what your actual job is!

I think you've misunderstood the role of a counsellor, who is not at all 'someone to offload to', or not if they're any good.

However, I know that's not what you meant -- like pps, I think we need to know more about what your job is to advise.

Hi OP,
I agree that it's hard to advise if you can't say what your job is- as that would help us to see where/why the boundaries are already being blurred if that makes sense.

Ye it’s hard to give advice without some context about the type of job.

you are likely not wrong though there will always be people who push and expect more than what is possible to extend to them.

I’m trying not to out myself.

I work in retail. I want to do my job well, I want to make sure people get what they want to buy, but I just can’t take anymore customers thinking that I’m there to listen to their lives and their problems. It’s draining.

I just want to get on with my job, and be professional. I don’t want to hear about someone’s problems.

Yes, I need tips to politely bring conversations to a close.

It sounds like you need some additional training in keeping conversations focused on the products you are selling. Practising role plays can really help with keeping conversations professional and focused. I doubt your employer wants your time being wasted on listening to men droning on about their problems.

Just try to upsell them at every opportunity.

Man: " So I booked my tenth holiday last night, off to the Artic Circle in the New Year.."

You: " We have lots of new thermal socks in soon/in the men's section and packing cubes in Home which would be handy for your trip. "

Man: " My dog chewed up the Telly cord 2 weeks ago, had to buy a new TV AND 2k to sort the dog out at the vet.. "

You: " We have amazing home and contents insurance through our sister company, here's a leaflet for you to consider. / We sell these cord tidies that could help with keeping your dog safe, you can find them on the website if you'd prefer to look at them online. "

Man: " Do you work on commission or something? "

You: " Yes/No, I work in sales not as a therapist, is there anything else you were looking to purchase today? *Big smile "

I'm
In a role whereby I work closely one to one with individuals ,not therapy or anything however I end up sucking in everyone's life stories and woes and it's quite draining at times

I kind of divert the convo to something more positive when I feel it's going on too long.

Or I sometimes say
How awful for you I hope things resolve,and then move onto a positive

Yes, I need to divert, be more positive and bring things to an end.

Thanks for the tips.

Sorry to interrupt, but I do want to make sure you get the most out of our appointment today - so, just to focus on the main issue.......

When someone has latched onto you and is giving you chapter and verse have some pre prepared lines at the ready:

Im so sorry to hear that, I hope you get it sorted. I’m afraid I have to get on or I’ll be in trouble with my boss/ behind with my work/ late for a meeting.

It sounds like an interesting trip, unfortunately I’m going to have to let you get on or I will be (as above any excuse), have a good day.

That sounds like a difficult situation, I do hope you get through it ok. Unfortunately I have to get back, I’m late for…

As much as I'm really enjoying our conversation, I really must get on.

That sounds lovely! Now, about these socks you want, that's £3.50 please. Thank you, have a lovely rest of your day.

As much as I'd like to be able to help, it's not my area of expertise. So and so down the road may be better.

It's been lovely speaking with you (whilst handing over goods). See you again soon. (Smile) Who's next please?

It's very draining, at best, and impossible to actually do your work at worst.

I used to work with one other colleague - a woman whose family were going through a hellish time. She would talk about it from before 8 am until nearly 5 each day, when we were alone - which was most of the time.

Of course, of course (to the power of 10) I felt for her, but really, it was just too much. I'm not a counsellor! What could I say, after I'd said all the things a colleague (not a friend) could say? I think she was ND, but she just couldn't stop herself off-loading on to me all day, every day. And not only was this THE topic of conversation, but because of the sadness of it all, I could hardly change the subject with a breezy 'Anyway! What are you doing at the weekend?', which you could if it was just mere chat.

I am guessing bar work is so it in the job description lol

Oh god, if your job isn't to be something of support worker, then can you keep it light hearted, not spend too long in one place, e.g. cleaning countertops or restocking shelves so only half listening if you know what I mean rather than giving your full undivided attention which some see as a green light for offloading their stories/problems.

There'll always be those who have no self awareness, but that's just par for the course if you're working with the general public.