Husband away for the night without telling me and I’m also out

[Notsurewhatimdoing100]

Hi, my husband was invited to a gala dinner, when he last spoke to me about it, in September he said he wasn’t going, then said if he did go he wouldn’t stay (as it is 2 hours away), he never actually told me the date of the dinner and the topic was never mentioned again. Then a few weeks ago, after an argument about miscommunication (he refuses to write anything on a calendar) he said he only had a night away to remember so didn’t need a calendar. At this point I reminded him that I was going out the day after his night away, that I had organised this and he knew about it, he never mentioned at any point that he had decided to go to the dinner and stay over, he actually watched me put my day on the calendar. It turns out he decided to go to the dinner whilst we were not speaking, and hadn’t thought to tell me. That argument was also due to his lack of communication. This in itself doesn’t seem bad but we have two children under 8, the youngest is 18 months. One has rugby the morning after his night away and at the same time the 18 month has his nap late morning, which we never interrupt. I also have a daily commitment which I cannot avoid, he knows this and as I am going out for the day I have to sort it first thing. He has organised the eldest to stay with his grandfather (I didn’t suggest this) and he will take him to rugby, which is great but now he is annoyed that he has to be home for midday the next morning so I can sort out the daily commitment and be back home and changed and out for 2pm. He wants me to ask my elderly mum to watch the 18 month so he doesn’t have to drive straight home, the fact is my mum doesn’t get up before 11 and she already helps out enough. What is annoying me is that he made the arrangements and had he told me
i could have asked my friends to change the time of our meal, or date but he didn’t and now I am being told I am selfish? He even knew the date I was discussing with my friends and said nothing about going away!! Am I being unreasonable to expect him home?

Is he always this selfish and thoughtless?

Tell him if he uses his words or the calendar like a big boy then maybe a clash won't be such a mess to sort out next time. He brought all of this on himself.

Tell him this is his natural. Consequence for not putting things on the calender and due to this HIS responsibility not yours

No, my guess is he is angry at himself but won’t admit that he was wrong, so blames you instead.

My DH does this - doesn’t plan anything, leaves everything to the last minute. Drives me mad. I could give you lots of examples but we’d probably be here all night!

This all sounds very stressful on both sides, and I’m struggling to get beyond the casual comment in the middle about a time when you weren’t speaking.
the issue is perhaps bigger than whether he should be back at x time.
also I think he sounds disrespectful anyway, making a unilateral decision that he won’t use the calendar. I am guessing that you are the default parent and you are starting to resent his opting out of family life and prioritising himself.
He is unlikely to change so you have to choose your own response and whether you are prepared to tolerate this selfish man?

This is exactly my thoughts. Tbh neither of us have been out with friends this year due to a sick baby, lack of baby sitters etc
i was actually encouraging him to go to the dinner but again I didn’t know the date.
the calendar was agreed back in April when his golfing clashed with a play date. We both agreed to it but he has stopped using it. He is very good taking the older boy to swimming etc (he is my step son) but I do get left out of decisions regarding my step son, when my husband decides. His lack of consideration and the fact I have been more vocal about it was the cause for the period he was walking to me.

dont ask you mum its his problem to sort outdont rescue him he nees to learn

It is very difficult to navigate when he won’t admit he was at fault.

I wouldn't mention the calendar. Don't fix this. Let him mention the calendar and use it himself. He'll crack soon enough and grow up

Good advice from the PP - don’t fix this. Kidadulthood or parenthood. Watch to see where your OH comes out. Watch.

I wouldn’t stop telling him things and just go out. Then when he says why or gets annoyed lol just say “it was in the calendar”.

he sounds like a right nitwit you know lol 😂