Siblings with very different associated costs

[Incaspider]

I have 2 children, preteens. The eldest is very studious and keeps himself to himself. He's been encouraged to take up hobbies but doesn't like leaving the house all that much (ASD).
The younger son has a very expensive hobby and costs us a lot of money (in lessons, kit etc..).

Do we make this fair? Or is it fair because they both could do it (or any hobby) if they wanted?

If you had a sibling which obviously 'cost' more is it something that caused a problem further down the line?

It's fair because you're supporting each child to do what they want. Who knows what your eldest may need down the line. He could end up needing your support for a lot longer than the youngest, for example.

It’s fair because it what they both chose.

The only thing I would say is don’t assume they’ll always be this way - keep a bit back in case the eldest does have an expensive hobby or need at some point

I don't think you need to compensate your non hobby son for his younger brother's expenses - you are making the resources available for both of them to choose what makes them happy.

One of my kids costs more simply because he has coeliac disease - meeting his needs costs more than it does for the others but they are not losing out because we have to spend more on him.

And what if your younger son decided he'd rather have the cash and give up the sport?! 😱

It’s fair because they both have the same opportunity. My 3 are older now and only 1 left in school but tbh it evens out over time as they grow up and needs and wants change.
None of them think one got more than the other because they all got to do the things they wanted to do.

No - hobbies were choice. Both were offered options. Mine both engaged quite a lot with hobbies but you cannot equalize everything. DC make choices and there are consequences to that. DC2 is, presumably, making a real effort at the hobby - is it fair that that is ignored and the hobby just seen as an expense? The money you spend and the effort and enjoyment are linked because there’s no option to do it cheaply I assume but the same is available to other DC. I bet you do spend money on him though!

I was the sibling who did nothing.

It was fine. I didn't want to do anything but was glad my sister enjoyed what she did.

Fair is allowing them to both do what they want to do.

You are meeting both of their needs so it is fine.

You may well find the stay at home introvert costs you more in computer parts later on (voice of experience!).

Totally fine if you aren’t saying no to one and yes to the other

ive got one nephew who costs an absolute bomb for his hobby and another nephew who loves hiking and his only request is for the occasional new pair of boots. He’s got no problem with the the difference- he knows that if he wanted to do something else my brother would fund it!

Ok, thank you everyone! :)

Agree with all pp.

However, it did make me think about something like gaming or PCs. What constitutes a hobby.

If you spend for example £100 a month on younger son, would you be happy to spend £500 on a new PS5 for the older if he felt that was his hobby.

I expect many to not think gaming as a hobby and those items would be reserved as birthday/ Christmas presents even if they fall way short of the cost of an 'activity' hobby

Thanks all, some very interesting points raised as well.

As a kid, did you ever notice that your parents were spending more on you or your sibling. I know it never occurred to me.

Only a problem if one child can't do a hobby because of cost. If one chooses something cheaper that's fair enough.

I grew up in a family with one sibling who had a very expensive hobby. I didn’t feel like that was unfair. My parents also paid for the things I wanted and needed; the fact that these cost less than those wanted and needed by my sibling for their hobby didn’t strike me as inherently unfair.

The thing that did make me resentful was not getting the same amount of time and attention because my parents were very caught up in sibling’s hobby. I often felt that they weren’t as interested in or excited about the things that mattered to me because so much of their time was spent on sibling’s hobby. I never resented sibling for that (they are and always have been my best friend) but I felt hurt by my parents. I did try to address it with them, they were not receptive.

I think as long as you’re showing equal interest in and excitement about both children, and making time for them both as fairly as you can, the discrepancy in spending is not nearly so much of an issue.

Fair doesn't always mean equal.

As long as one child isnt going without because all the resources are spent on the other then it is fine.

DS1 has no hobbies and although when he was younger he tried different clubs etc which is didnt stick with. DD and DS2 however did a lot more extra curriculars as they wanted to