DSD no longer seems to like me . I feel sad in my own home.

[ohlittlepinkpanties]

DH and I have been together for 6 years. We have two children aged 4 and 2. For the last 6 months I have been aware that DSD 15 has distanced herself from me . Previously we had a great relationship.

I feel very sad. She isn’t overly rude but any activity I suggest she says no to. If I ever offer to buy her something she now says no and refuses to take anything I buy her ( advent calendar / make up / stationary) . She doesn’t reply to my messages. It’s like she dismisses anything I suggest.

We had a terrible holiday experience in August in France where she refused to really speak to DH and i . It was a terrible week but I understand her hormones are wild at this age and a holiday is a stressful time for anyone . Let alone with two toddlers. I am sure it was an emotional experience maybe missing her mother ? Wishing her parents were together?

DH said when he spoke with DSD earlier this year when she was barely taking to him that she said she is angry with her mum, him, me , her grandparents - everyone . She said she hated her siblings .

DSD used to spend every other weekend with us and each Wednesday. However she has stopped coming as much saying she has school work or illness .

The issue is I am becoming paranoid that DSD doesn’t like me. Part of me thinks I need to accept at her age she is dealing with many emotions and this is normal and not personal. She is smart and fun young lady and I hate thinking she doesn’t like me.

The other part of me feels so sad and anxious. I also feel frustrated that I now feel anxious in my home when she is here . It is sad that SDS is now no longer engaged with me . It’s like she looks through me . But she does say hello , goodbye and will make some small talk at times. She will tell me and DH how much her step dad adores her/ spoils her.

Her mother has not gone on to have any more children and her Step dad has no children.I know she has big arguments with her mum and her mum says she feels sad they argue .

Her parents had an amicable split. We all get together to celebrate big occasions so DSD can have both parents present.

I know from experience it is hard having step parents and watching your parent go on to have more children . I felt so proud of achieving a close and loving bond with DSD. I know feel so sad. Gone are the huge and chats and coffee dates.

How do I move forward?

15 year olds are very hard work.
dont put pressure on her op.
i am sure she will come round

Pretty sure I went through a stage of hating my actual mother in my teens. I shudder to think how that would have gone down if I had a step mother.

Very easy to say from the outside but try not to take it personally. She’s looking for outlets for all that wild emotional swinging that’s happening inside her, and her family are close and obvious targets.

She's 15. Enough said! Just keep the door open, be pleasant and not pushy (and don't be a pushover either). She'll come round.

Assume nothing sinister going on? Bullying, friendship problems, eating disorders, anxiety etc.?

I really think it is just her age.

I can't think of any 15 year old who would enjoy a holiday with 2 young children

Let her go keep lines of communication open.
Its not personal

I have a 16 year old, I promise you this is more her hormones than you/your set up. Mine doesn’t respond to me half the time and won’t let me buy her stuff unless it’s a very specific item she wants. We don’t have big fights I just ride the waves of emotions. I am separated from her dad and he has 2 younger siblings and DD often finds being at theirs chaotic and stressful (her words), I am sure it’s not it’s just a different atmosphere with younger children… than a home with just adults. She will be raging with hormones, I would stop over thinking it, keep offering olive branches… you sound like you are doing a great job.

She’s a teen with separated parents and half siblings it’s going to be all over the shop.

She will hate her siblings because they have what she doesn’t, their parents together, you mean mum and dad can never be together, dad having more children is replacing her, but it doesn’t mean she actually wants her parents together though.

It’s just big feelings about it all.

I think just currently be happy you did have a close relationship and once she’s worked though this awkward teenage years she might come back to you all. Just keep being who you are don’t Disney her or pull away.

You’re the step she can push you to prove your love or lack of so don’t change. Her step dad clearly spoils her in her own words that’s how he shows love to her.

Hang on in there, being kind, zero expectations. With luck it’ll come right. Be very steady. She is an angry adolescent with a shed load of stuff to deal with. Listen. Don’t be reactive. It’s tough all round

She's 15. Her hormones are all over the place. She needs you to be unfazed by her rudeness. Keep inviting her and including her, don't take offence,

I have a 14.5 DS and a couple of older DC the eldest of whom is my adult DSD . She was an absolute demon at 15 though her mum got it in the neck much more than me . My own youngest is currently quite demonic too . It is hormones and the actual very necessary task of growing away from your parents and up and out into the world . Just keep being consistent and there if she wants/ needs you . It is not personal - she’s told you she hates everyone !

It's not you OP, it's just being 15 and struggling with hormones and feelings. Just treat her kindly as you always do and give her a bit of space. If her mum & dad are really concerned about how she is feeling they should look into counselling for her but it's really for them to decide. Does she have a nice room at your house where she can get away from the busy toddlers and listen to music/chat to friends etc?

She's at a difficult age, but good for her saying that she's unhappy with the way things are and that she resents (I doubt that she actually hates) her siblings. So many step kids suffer in silence.
You sound genuinely fond of her and that will go a long way, as the years roll on, to paving the way for a good relationship with her. But it may take a long time. Her step dad is much easier because he hasn't brought new children into the mix, and also she may be playing him off against you, as teens do sometimes.

14 to 16 was basically a nightmare. It’s a phase you just need to ride out.

As long as she is polite and follows the rules in your house that is really good. I would have hated to be around toddlers in my teens and would have definitely dropped the midweek so I could be at home. It might not be that she dislikes you probably just prefers being at hy

She's 15. If you were her mum she'd still be treating you the same.

Just carry on treating her as you always have. And lower your expectations.

They do return to the fold, at about 21.......

God I feel for you, because I am going through similar with my daughter who is a bit older, 18, pretty sorted. No real reason to take against me other than treating my children (5 of, she is the second youngest) even-handedly, and weathering some ups and downs where one needs more than the others. She has decided her siblings are entitled dickheads and I enable them. They are not, btw, all five have some habits, but it is low grade stuff, only 2 live at home. She stays at her boyfriend's house a lot of the time (who we like) and now comes home to do functional stuff, where we get on fine, but superficially and politely. I feel desperately sad that we have lost what we had. I hope @GrannyGoggles is right, and try not to take it to heart, but it is hard. I only take hope from the fact that I was a dreadful teenager all the way through, felt like I had nothing in common with my parents, and at times, was awful to them, despite them not deserving it. Eventually, you do come around, but it really did take ages. It is easy to react, but I think just hang on in there, keep doing what you are doing and try not to get upset. xx

It’s sounds like it’s her age. Also with upcoming GCSEs she’ll probably have a lot of stress on at school.

A 15yo is not going to enjoy 2yo and 4yo siblings

she’ll be angry and resentful seeing them with their mum and dad 100% of the time as a family as she can’t have that

it can be difficult living between 2 homes as well - and this changes with age.

I agree with others - it’s probably a phase. Don’t take it personally.

It's not personal.

Most teens go through a phase like this.

If you were her bio mum she'd probably be screaming at you that she hates you.

Been there done that!

Only thing that strikes me as weird is that she says her step father spoils her? Has this man been in her life a long time or is he new on the scene? Why will she accept gifts from him and not you? It's probably a thing of nothing but it's a bit odd

Step back a bit and give her space. You can't make her 'like' you. It's not really personal. In a few years you will hopefully become closer again but, for now, expect less and you won't be so disappointed.

Lots of good advice here.
Relax, don't be pushy, be pleasant and kind and let her come to you.

Thank you all . Hugely appreciated! I feel calmer and more relaxed now . Thanks 😊